Hot Dogs, Horseshoes & Hand Grenades/Pistols

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Handguns in H3 are split into eight categories, based on their method of operation: Automatic (i.e. self-loading), Revolver (covered in the next sub-page), Machine Pistol (most of which are here, though some are on the submachine gun sub-page; the distinction is largely arbitrary, as the term has no formalized definition), Breech Loading, Lever Action, Bolt Action (which are listed in the rifles/carbines page, as the category consists of sawn-off bolt-action rifles with the only exception being the Welrod Mk IIA), Muzzle Loading, and Derringers. A small number of exceptions are categorized (presumably on the basis of caliber) with the anti-materiel rifles.

Beretta 92FS (Grammaton Cleric pistol)

Replicas of the Grammaton Clerics' modified Beretta 92FS pistols from the movie Equilibrium are available in-game, having been added through Update #37. The Grammaton Cleric comes in full-auto, and boasts the same interesting muzzle flash as the movie gun.

Screen-used rubber stunt gun. Note that this weapon lacks the selector switch of the detailed Hero gun.
While having fun in the gun-fu range, we get a good look at the Cleric model.
Of course, seeing as two is one and one is none, a second pistol must also be loaded.
And cocked.
With that sorted, it's time to unleash some completely emotionless fury on the walls of the room. Note the shape of the muzzle flashes.
Practicing some Gun Kata, in the "Cleric Battle" MEATS mode.
With the release of Update #99's first alpha and its fresh Beretta models, the Clerics were given a makeover as well.
These are based on the update's M9 model; as such, they include all the newer features, like moving magazine releases and (as shown here) functional trigger bars.
Since the movie's weighted-base extended mags are sadly unavailable, you'll just have to make due with regular Beretta mags. The Cx4's 30-rounders are a good choice for maximum spraying with minimal reloading.
Racking the slide on the left-hand gun; rest assured, the right-hand one got the same treatment.
The models may be new, but the goal's the same: spray in random directions, and hope the flashy muzzle flashes distract everyone from the fact that you clearly have no idea what you're doing.

Beretta 92FS Inox

The Beretta 92FS Inox was added in Alpha 1 of Update #99, as part of the 92-series refresh update.

Beretta 92FS Inox (US-produced) - 9x19mm Parabellum
Taking a look at the 92FS Inox on a nice sunny day.
It's smooth, clean, and pristine - one might even call it "stainless".
Loading in magazine, in the hopes of scaring off any residual lame puns before they rear their respective heads.
"Well, if you don't want us to rear our heads, I guess we'll just have to face them right towards y- alright, alright, I get it! Watch where you're pointing that thing, jeez..."
Without any of those left to cause problems, plenty of time is available to appreciate the smaller things - like, for example, how the updated Berettas' barrels actually move backward ever so slightly when the slide is retracted (note that the muzzle is now nearly flush with the end of the guide rod, compared to where it was previously).
Engaging the safety to de-cock the hammer; this was a feature before this particular alpha, but it's still nice to see.
Suddenly remembering what this gun is - a 92FS, and an Inox at that. To use it sensibly would be dishonoring the decades of over-the-top action movies that led to this point. Dual-wielding them, with 20-round 93R mags loaded with tracers, on the other hand?
Now, that sounds like a proper way to use them.
Looking through the pistol's sights; they're a typical 3-dot setup, with white rear dots and a red front one for faster acquisition. Still, holding two of them does make getting a proper sight picture with both a bit trickier.
Then again, if you're holding two Inoxes, that's not really the point, is it?

Beretta 93R

The Beretta 93R was added on day 7 of the Meatmas 2020 Advent Calendar event. It is cross-compatible with all Beretta magazines (including the extended Cx4 magazines), and comes with a detachable shoulder stock.

Beretta 93R with wood grips - 9x19mm Parabellum
The 93R in its gift box, complete with a no-longer-relevant warning about how new Meatmas gifts don't have duplicatable magazines.
Examining the machine pistol. It's an excellent model, especially considering how many games are content to use a modified 92 instead of a proper 93R.
Loading in one of the 93R's special 20-round magazines - as mentioned, these are cross-compatible with other 9x19mm Berettas, allowing for a nice capacity upgrade to guns like the M9A1 and Px4, or for the 93R to be given a rather underwhelming 15-rounder.
Flipping the pistol over...
...and chambering a round.
Stepping outside the bunker, and taking aim at a nearby Swarm drone.
Firing; even while holding the integrated foregrip, the 93R is still a bit jumpy.
Of course, semi-auto isn't why you use a 93R; flipping the giggle-switch over to three-round burst will put you where you want to be.
The included shoulder stock is also probably a good idea, unless you want your second and third shots to serve no purpose beyond perforating your enemies' hats.
If that's not your goal, then actually using the stock and foregrip is also recommended, as not shown here.

"Auto 9"

The Beretta 93R Auto 9 was added on Meatmas Day 2020. It is largely identical to the standard 93R gameplay-wise, save for its slightly better recoil control and muzzle velocity (owing to the longer, compensated barrel), its lack of a foregrip, and its fire mode - 4-round bursts instead of the standard version's 3.

Beretta 93R "Auto 9" - 9x19mm Parabellum
As with H3's many other movie guns, the Auto-9 is given the more copyright-friendly "M93RA9." Fitting, under the circumstances.
The Beretta pistol underneath is still recognizable, but all the extra bits give this pistol a very distinct profile.
The flared irons and barrel weight, in particular, give this pistol an air of... justice.
The Auto 9 can take any Beretta magazine, though comes with the 20 round 93R mag by default.
Chambering some 9x19mm rounds, and the weapon is hot.
Fire selector on the Auto 9 is exactly the same as it is on the 93R.
Of course we had to set it to three round burst, you cannot fire the Auto-9 on anything other than three round burst. That's what Directive #5 says, anyway.
"Your move, creep."
Even without the foregrip and stock, the heavy barrel weight keeps recoil somewhat manageable.
"My friends call me Murphy. You call me... Sosigcop."

Beretta 950BS Jetfire

The Beretta 950BS Jetfire is one of the available firearms in-game, having been added through the first Meatmas update. 2 versions are available - a standard blued model with black plastic grips, and a gold-plated model with mother-of-pearl grips.

Beretta 950BS Jetfire - .25 ACP
Behold, a downright diminutive Italian handgun. Well, it isn't called a "pocket pistol" for nothing...
Using an M1911A1 for comparison really gives one an idea of just how small the Jetfire actually is.
A nice touch, the barrel can be popped up for loading, just like on the real weapon.
A look down the barrel reveals that the weapon's bore is fully modeled, rather than being solid with a drawn-on hole at either end like in many games.
Loading a single .25 ACP round into the barrel...
...and a magazine with 8 more into the magazine well.
Of course, what is a tiny pocket pistol without a gold-plated version?
And what is a gold-plated pocket pistol without a matching golden magazine?
Seeing as manual chamber-loading is for peasants, the only proper high-class way to use the Jetfire is to chamber rounds by racking the slide.
Aiming the golden Jetfire, which isn't easy considering the size of the sights. The fact that you're probably looking down your nose at your target doesn't help either.
Firing a .25 round at the lowly commoner paper target ahead.

Beretta M9

The original military-issue Beretta M9 was added in Alpha 1 of Update #99, as part of the update's M9 series refresh. The main distinguishing feature between the M9 and the previously-added M9A1 is the former's lack of an under-barrel rail; the M9A1 also has slightly different grip serrations, though this has no impact on gameplay.

Beretta M9 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Having finally installed the HD pack, an earlier version of "Welldone Freemeat" inspects his pilfered M9.
At least, we're assuming it's an M9 - the only real distinction between an M9 and a civilian 92FS is in the markings, and the in-game model has exactly zero of them.
On the plus side, the trigger works as intended - not only does it properly cock the hammer in DA mode (a feature that'd been in the game since Update #52), it properly moves back when the hammer is cocked (a feature added to all the DA/SA handguns in the same update), and the trigger bar moves as well (a feature added to this particular update's Berettas).
Loading in a fresh, witness-holed magazine. Left-handed, 'cause why not?
Racking the slide, and (as a right-hander) very quickly discovering why not.
Stepping out of the supply room, first-game Freemeat quickly discovers something that, in his humble opinion, aught not to exist on this planet. Or anywhere near it, for that matter.
Deciding to be the change he wishes to see in the world, Welldone politely asks the abomination to leave.
15 requests later, Freemeat decides that it'd be easier if he was the one who left the planet instead.
Performing a quick mag-change, Freemeat remembers that he still has his magical time-traveling 17-round magazines that wouldn't come out for another 5 years.
He then immediately pops it back out, showing off another feature of the freshly-added Beretta models: functional magazines releases. The future really is now, isn't it?

Beretta M9A1

The Beretta M9A1 is one of the 4 pistols added in Update #5. Upon its introduction, it was permanently fitted with a suppressor; this was removed in favor of a threaded barrel in Update #20 (which introduced detachable suppressors to the game). The first alpha of Update #99 replaced the model with a fresh one, to bring it into line with the other Beretta 92 variants.

Beretta M9A1 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Sometimes you want to save your hearing, so use a suppressed M9A1.
And sometimes you really don't give a damn, so you take the suppressor off.
Sometimes you feel like admiring both sides of your pistol, even though they're nearly identical.
Sometimes you load the pistol.
And sometimes you even chamber it.
Sometimes you line the sights up properly. (This isn't one of those times).
And sometimes, every once in a while, you actually fire your M9A1.
Sometimes you sheepishly admit your mistake, and put the suppressor back on.
Sometimes you then realize that you maybe should've picked a smaller suppressor.
And sometimes you remember that H3 actually requires you to screw the suppressor onto the barrel, instead of just sticking it there.
Sometimes you check in after a whole slew of subsequent updates, only to find that the M9A1's gotten a newer, cleaner-looking texture...
...along with a substantially grayer magazine.
Sometimes you get a new model entirely, and go back to where it all started to take a look.
Sometimes the magazine stops being gray again.
And sometimes, once in a while, you put that original suppressor back on, just for old times' sakes.

Beretta M9A3

Update #52 added a Beretta M9A3 to the game, complete with its own unique (yet interchangeable) 17-round magazines. As with the other Beretta 92 variants, it received a new model in Update #99's first alpha.

Beretta M9A3 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Loading the M9A3 with a 17-round magazine, complete with matching-colored baseplate...
...and racking the slide.
Admiring the Beretta's light-brown finish.
A look at the M9A3's iron sights; as with many of the game's pistols, these are of the 3-dot variety.
Firing off a shot.
Looking over the new M9A3 in the Proving Grounds' miniature combat arena.
It's the same, but different.
Pausing to take a look at one of the M9A3's 17-round magazines. The new Berettas came with their own magazines, which notably feature modeled witness holes. Being a 17-rounder, the placement of this magazine's bottom witness hole is... interesting.
Pressing "play", and resuming the process of loading the pistol.
Which is, of course, naturally followed by a quick rack of the slide to chamber a round.
A few button presses later, and combat is underway. The M9A3's 3-dot sights are typical fare for the series, so an underbarrel flashlight and a knife held in the off-hand have been added to make this shot more interesting.
Executing a downed Sosig with a quick shot to the head.
16 headshots later, the gun's empty; this, of course, leaves a perfect opportunity for a tacticool mag flip reload. Don't mind the red line coming off the back of the slide; that's just a conveniently-placed enemy tracer.

Beretta Px4 Storm

The Beretta Px4 Storm is one of the available firearms in-game. It was added in Update #20, and is correctly able to share magazines with the earlier M9A1, the concurrently-added Cx4, and the later-added Mx4.

Beretta Px4 Storm - 9x19mm Parabellum
A little time at the range, and some fresh rounds for the Px4.
What a perfect way to spend an afternoon.
Pausing to admire the Px4, and to note its (exceedingly shiny) protruding threaded barrel.
Aiming the Px4, which is complicated somewhat by the controller's outline getting in the way.
Still, you can make do. However, if you're that particular about aiming... can always just do this.

Bergmann M1901 "Simplex"

The Wurstwurld update brought along a Bergmann Simplex pocket pistol, among many other things. Of note is that this is the first ever appearance of this variant of the weapon in a video game, and only the second documented appearance of it in any form of media, the first being in The Mystic Archives of Dantalian.

Bergmann M1901 "Simplex" - 8x18mm Simplex
Admiring the Simplex in the heat of the desert sun.
Loading in a magazine, which contains 8 rounds of proprietary (and rather anemic) 8x18mm ammunition; this doesn't exactly add up to a whole lot of firepower.
Chambering the first of these 8 rounds with a quick tug of the bolt.
Aiming the pistol. Small gun, small sights.
Firing. In spite of the small cartridge, it's still perfectly capable of blowing a jug to pieces. An ejected casing can just barely be seen to the upper-right.

Bergmann No. 5

Added in the sixth alpha build of Update #85, H3 expands its list of first-time-in-a-video-game Bergmann pistols with the No. 5, an 1897-vintage, full-sized semiautomatic. Two variants are available - a standard pistol and a long-barreled carbine - both of which are compatible with a concurrently-added attachable stock (or any of the game's other pistol-stocks, for that matter).

Bergmann No. 5 - 7.8x25mm Bergmann
Ladies and gentlemen.
This is Bergmann Number Five.
Now that that's stuck in your head, here's a shot of what the safety looks like when it's not engaged.
Loading in a 10-round magazine of 7.63x25mm Mauser ammo. The real deal used 7.8x25mm Bergmann, a proprietary round which was nearly identical in every way save for a longer neck; as such, using 7.63 Mauser in one is theoretically possible, but probably not a very good idea (not leastly because of just how rare these Bergmanns are).
Chambering a round anyway, and hoping for the best.
Aiming at a wall...
...for no reason at all.
Lacking a hold-open feature of any sort, the only real way to know when the Bergmann is empty is to attempt to fire it, and be met with the soft click of the hammer dropping on an empty chamber.
On the plus side, the magazines do have witness holes that line up with the holes in the magwell, so you can at least tell when you're running low.
And, for those who don't want to do so often, 20-round magazines are also available.
Blasting a Weinerbot with the Bergmann; while largely replaced with the newer, more dynamic Sosig agents, these older enemies can still be spawned in some scenes, the Arena Prototype among them.
Bergmann No. 5 carbine - 7.8x25mm Bergmann
Yes, this is, in fact, a thing. Was, is, and will be until further notice.
Aiming the stretched-out No. 5; extending the barrel has the side-effect of pushing the front sight out further, making it seem narrower (and thus often harder to acquire).
Though, of course, there are far more significant reasons why this thing isn't very practical.
Bergmann No. 5 carbine with stock attached - 7.8x25mm Bergmann
There, now we're getting somewhere.
With the stock attached, aiming becomes significantly easier, since the front sight is now considerably less invisible on standard-resolution HMDs.
The pistol's formerly formidable muzzle flip also packs its bags and leaves, which is certainly a welcome change.

Borchardt C-93

Added in the fifth alpha of Update #85, the Borchardt C-93 distinguishes itself as H3's oldest autoloading firearm.

Borchardt C-93 - 7.65x25mm Borchardt
The Board Shark, in all of its unergonomic glory.
Being one of the first ever self-loading pistols (and the first one to achieve any real commercial success), this is somewhat understandable - it takes a while for people to figure out the best way to do things. Sometimes, it's just a matter of trial and error.
Oh, and it also has a vertically-sliding safety. Which is considerably less of a loading aid than these screenshots would suggest.
"And they call this thing a "self-loader"... the audacity of some folks never ceases to amaze."
Chambering a round. If the C-93's toggle-locked action looks familiar, it's probably because Georg Luger's design was effectively an improvement on Hugo Borchardt's, largely because the latter wouldn't listen to constructive criticism.
Aiming at the spot where a target was just moments before.
Blasting another floating bullseye; this seemingly unaimed shot is less a feat of shooting prowess and more a side-effect of screen-capturing programs only recording the left eye's view.
Pressing the magazine release. Dropping century-old pistol magazines on the ground isn't something you should really be doing, especially not when they're in this good of condition.
And speaking of things that you should really not be doing...
It's so profoundly, deeply wrong that the mere act of pointing it at something creates chaos and destruction. Heaven knows what untold devastation would occur if this device were actually to be fired...

Browning Hi-Power

The Browning Hi-Power was the first weapon added in the 1st Meatmas update. Notably, it is correctly depicted as being unfireable without a magazine inserted.

Classic Commercial Browning Hi-Power (Belgian manufacture) - 9x19mm
The invisible player character loading some batteries into their new toy.
Examining the left side of the Hi-Power...
...and the right side. What a lovely gift.
Taking aim at a gumdrop...
...before remembering to chamber a round.
With that issue dealt with, it's time to make this winter wonderland a whole lot less peaceful.

Charter Arms Explorer II

Update #59's 9th alpha build brought along a Charter Arms Explorer II, a pistol variant of the Armalite AR-7 survival rifle.

Charter Arms Explorer II - .22 LR
The right side of the Explorer...
...and the left. An interesting-looking pistol, to be sure; shame that it never really took off.
Fiddling with the cocking handle.
Admiring the Explorer inside a derelict house; the pistol has quite a different profile with its magazine inserted.
Quite a different profile indeed.
Firing the Explorer into the house's ceiling, much to its owner's chagrin.
Update #94's first alpha build fixed the pistol's scaling - it was previously far too small (i.e. reasonably-sized), and was brought up to its proper (i.e. ridiculous) size. An M1911A1 has been provided for scale, though the lack of one in the preceding screencaps limits its usefulness in this regard.
Oh, and here's a shot of the irons, because that was missing all this time for some reason.

Colt Defender

The 12th and final alpha build of Update #52 added a Colt Defender, chambered in .45 ACP.

Colt Defender - .45 ACP
Inspecting the left side of the Defender. Note the lack of slide markings; the weapon artist's renders of the model show it with a full set of Colt rollmarks, but these were removed for copyright reasons. However, the "Series 90" marking is still present in-game, as hard as it is to see here.
The right side; in the words of many an unfinished page, "Nice, but where's the trigger?" The answer is that it's in the magwell; this bug was fixed in the following update.
For reference, here's what the Defender looks like post-patch; the "Series 90" marking is much more easily seen here, too.
Loading a 7-round magazine into the pistol.
Racking the slide.
Bringing the sights on target; as with several of the game's other M1911 variants, it has illuminated 3-dot sights.
Putting a round on the paper. Or rather, through the paper.
Dropping an empty magazine out of the Defender, while noticing another one on the table...
...which, of course, leaves only one thing to do.

Colt M1911

Added in the fifth alpha build of Update #85, the Colt M1911 joins H3VR's roster of auto-loading handguns as a completely separate, distinct pistol from the M1911A1 below (largely to add more variety to the end-game weapon pool of the Take & Hold character Cowweiner Calico); interestingly, this makes H3 one of (if not the) only games to feature both.

Colt M1911 - .45 ACP
Taking a moment to appreciate the M1911. The pre-A1 guns are a scarce sight in games to begin with, let alone games that have A1s as well.
A closer look at the right side reveals the original M1911's distinctive "diamond" grip panels; these are, however, an interchangeable part.
Loading in a magazine; these are interchangeable with all the rest.
Chambering a round of .45 ACP. While not the first gun to use the round (an honor instead belonging to the Colt M1905), the M1911 was undoubtedly the one that really got it off the ground.
Aiming at a steel target; the M1911's sights are a bit small, but such was typical of this era.
Stripping some paint from the plate.
Hitting the magazine release, and watching the magazine just start to work its way out of the well. A couple frames later, it's out of the shot entirely.
Comparing the M1911 with an M1911A1 that was conveniently lying around; note the aforementioned grip panels, as well as the differences in mainspring housing design (straight vs. curved), trigger type (long vs. short), grip safety design (short beavertail vs. long beavertail), and frame type (without vs. with recesses near the trigger). While not visible here, the A1 also has a larger ejection port and a smaller hammer spur.
And, when you find yourself holding two subtly-different 1911 variants, what else is there to do but pull both devil triggers?

1911 Stamped Prototype

Update #95 added an extremely rare prototype of the 1911 pistol made from stamped parts. Due to the scarcity of information on this pistol, this is the only known depiction in media of this particular version of the 1911 pistol.

1911 stamped metal prototype - .45 ACP
Please ignore the fact that the gun model looks untextured - it was the manufacturer's fault it looks that way, not the modeler's. Jokes aside, this pistol is very bare bones in terms of useable features; no mag release button, no slide lock, etc. Thankfully the ejection button on the controller still works.
Inserting what looks to be a typical 1911 magazine. I guess Colt figured it was the one component they couldn't simplify further.
Overall, operating the prototype 1911 is no different from any of the other 1911 pattern pistols.
...except for the safety. Instead of the manual safety being located on the side, its located on the rear, just above the firing pin. When rotated downwards, it blocks the firing pin.
And when rotated upwards, not only can you fire, you also get your rear sights!
All quirkiness aside, it's still a pretty effective pistol when it comes to shooting targets.
Like the Pocket Hammer 1903, the 1911 Prototype slide does not hold open upon emptying a magazine.

Colt M1911A1

The M1911A1 is one of the available firearms in-game, added in Update #3. Update #23 added 2 cosmetic variants: one with a matte-gray finish and green synthetic grips, and one with a gold-plated finish and black grips. The M1911A1 is noteworthy for having the most variants of any pistol in the game; adding together the original M1911, the Kimber Warrior (which is listed in-game as a modern M1911A1 variant), cosmetic finishes, and spinoff variants, there are eleven different M1911-pattern pistols in H3VR.

Pre-War Commercial Colt M1911A1 with factory deep-blued finish - .45 ACP
Starting things off, as always, with a quick sound check. Make sure your speakers aren't up too high.
Rewinding a bit, and loading in a magazine.
Racking the slide, only to discover just a little bit too late that this wasn't really necessary. Oh well.
Pausing for a minute to look at the pistol. The blued finish is lovely on this side.
As it is on this one.
The M1911A1's safety, which has 2 positions: here, in the lower position, is "fire"...
...and here, in the upward position, is "safe". This position pushes the lever into a notch in the bottom of the slide, which has the additional effect of preventing the slide from moving.
The M1911A1's sights; a set of nice, clear, aftermarket 3-dot illuminated irons.
That wasn't always the case, though; the M1911A1's sights looked like this until Update #5, when the luminous green dots were added.
7 rounds later, the M1911A1 locks empty.
Dumping out the dry magazine...
...and hitting the slide release.
Ithaca-manufactured M1911A1 with matte-gray finish - .45 ACP
Here's the gray version...
Colt M1911A1 (airsoft replica) with gold-plated finish - (fake) .45 ACP
...and here's the golden one.

"Floppy McLongflopper"

A unique, fully-automatic version of the latter with a length of about 1 meter (and, formerly, unlimited ammunition) is available in the Meatmas Snowglobe level and as a rare drop in Take And Hold; this version is referred to as, of all possible names, "Floppy McLongflopper". This is a reference to a series of requests on the game's subreddit by a user named "RichardLongflop" for a "longslide" version of the M1911A1 (which grew increasingly elaborate, to the point of submitting a fake bug report video in which he literally wrote the request on a target with bulletholes); while presumably referring to something along the lines of an AMT Hardballer Longslide, the lack of an actual specified slide length in the requests led game dev Anton Hand to create this monstrosity instead.

The "Floppy McLongflopper" sitting on a table. Even without the backstory, it's still a rather fitting name, wouldn't you say?
Unfortunately, all of that L E N G T H makes it a bit tricky to use.
Especially considering its impressive muzzle rise (which is actually just the same as the standard M1911A1, and is simply exaggerated by both the full-auto fire and the increased deviation from center created by the distance from the pivot point to the muzzle). This does raise questions about how it even manages to cycle the slide with that much extra weight on it, all of which are answered with "it's a meter-long golden machine pistol, why are you trying to apply any sort of logical reasoning here".
Attempting to aim the Floppy; the fact that the front sight is at the end of the slide and isn't any larger than it is on the normal variants makes this a bit tricky.
Still, it's all worth it for the ability to muzzle an enemy from three feet away, give a dramatic one-liner, and watch the meat-bits fly.

Lebman Machine Pistol

A fully-automatic variant of the M1911A1, based on the machine pistol conversions created by Hyman Lebman, is one of Update #52's additions; it was added during the "St. Valentine's Day Meatssacre" alpha build, and is referred to as the "M1911A1 Dillinger", in reference to the famous Prohibition-era gangster John Dillinger (who used a similar pistol during his time as a criminal).

Hyman Lebman-converted M1911A1 machine pistol - .38 Super
The converted M1911A1, complete with Cutts compensator and Thompson-type foregrip.
Loading in the weapon's unique magazine (which is interchangeable with other M1911 pistols and magazines).
Said magazine holds 18 rounds, and is essentially just several existing magazines welded together.
Pulling back the slide.
Pseudo-aiming the pistol, which is close enough to actually aiming it to show off the illuminated sights; these were a byproduct of the weapon being a modified version of the existing M1911A1 model, and didn't stay around for long.
Especially when one considers the sheer amount of recoil this weapon produces, which renders aiming a bit unnecessary anyways.
Affixing a Luger carbine stock (compatible for the sake of fun), which allows a clearer view of the pistol's rear end. It also allows a clearer view of...
...the updated sights, which lack the luminous dots of the original version.
Firing; between the stock and subsequent updates to recoil systems, the pistol's kick is actually manageable enough to merit use of the sights. The fact that the compensator has its own taller front sight that doesn't line up with the others does put a bit of a damper on this, unfortunately.

"Oversize M1911A1"

Update #52's 7th alpha build (the April Fools' Day special) included the so-called "Oversize" version of the M1911A1. As the name implies, it is substantially larger than the standard M1911A1, being more akin in size to a howitzer than a handgun; to facilitate human use, it is fitted with several RIS-type grips for handling, a rail on the side for sights (as attempting to aim with the standard slide-mounted irons would likely lead to the user being decapitated), and an equally massive bipod for more stable use.

It fires the ".45 ACP Oversize" round, which, amusingly, had already been added to the game several updates prior; many enterprising players combined this with the ability to cook off and/or directly strike the primers of loose rounds to set them off (introduced in Update #48), and the game's substantial amounts of freedom with regards to rail adaptor placement (or spacially-lockable platforms, for that matter) to create various devices to launch these rounds. This gun can also fire so-called MIRV rounds, standing for Multiple Independent Re-entry Vehicle. This is a term used for Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles (ICBMs) that carry clustered munitions (by "munitions," read "thermonuclear missiles") which separate in outer space and re-enter the earth's atmosphere as separately-guided missiles.
The so-called MIRV rounds for this gun however contain cluster munitions (fortunately not thermonuclear missiles, although that would be fascinating for the few milliseconds you were still alive for after they detonated) that detonate a few hundred meters away from the gun in mid-air (or on impact if sooner). This shows that far from being an MIRV, this type of round is essentially an artillery cluster bomb shell. One example of this type of round is the so-called ICM or Improved Conventional Munitions, an acronym that is not a million miles away from ICBM, which may be where the idea of MIRV came from. This is a moot point anyway given that it is impossible in practical terms to launch an unpowered projectile into space. Of course it goes without saying that this mistaken acronym completely ruins the otherwise totally realistic experience of firing a 10-foot-tall Colt 1911.

"Huh? What's this? Why would someone make a massive 1911 magaz..."
Loading the massive magazine into the massive handgun. Awkward angles are all but mandatory.
Racking the slide (by way of the diagonally-attached handle on the side); this shot also shows that the rather literal hand-cannon is apparently made by "HEDEN GUN CO. INC" out of "HEDEN, .N.Y". This fictional manufacturer (complete with fictional town and mis-written postal code) is shared with the standard M1911A1 variants (which makes sense, as the Oversize is a scaled-up version thereof).
Firing a "Mortar" round (which, as previously shown, uses the model of a tracer, and as presently shown, looks like one when initially fired).
This round is the simplest of the 3 available types, being an impact-detonated high-explosive shell, as seen here.
That shell plus 6 more equals an empty artillery piece, meriting a mag swap; this is done by punching (yes, punching) the magazine release button...
...which, assuming that the gun is high enough off the ground, dumps out the magazine with a loud "CLUNK".
If you're feeling tired after hefting around a literal artillery piece, no worries!
Just unfold the bipod, and take a load off.
A bit of futzing with the ammo spawning panel grants a magazine loaded with what appear to be jacketed hollowpoints; these are actually what are known as "Mega Buckshot" rounds.
""Mega Buckshot"? What on Earth could that possibly..."
" I don't know what I was expecting, but it sure as hell wasn't that."
Firing off another MBS round with the game's optional bullet trails enabled gives a better idea of just what "that" is: each shell fires several "pellets", if you will; upon hitting a surface, these "pellets" explode, releasing a burst of .50 BMG tracer projectiles.
Loading the last type of round directly into the chamber; this round, visually resembling an FMJ, is a MIRV (Multiple Indepent Reentry Vehicle) round. It's not every day that you see something with terminology more generally associated with long-range ballistic missiles being loaded into a handgun. With these essentially being artillery cluster shells as mentioned above, the lack of an adjustable fuze makes these impractical. Not that there's anything else impractical about this gun.
If grabbing a hold of the slide-mounted grip and wrestling with the recoil spring directly just isn't your style, the slide release is always an option.
Just grab on, and yank downward with everything you've got.
One of the more bizarre features of the weapon (yes, it gets more bizarre) is the exposed firing pin; should one not want to disturb a well lined-up shot, they can simply leave the pistol as-is, and hit the firing pin with another, smaller handgun, like this M29 here.
Preferably from slightly further away, assuming that you value your wrists more than a close view of the MIRV round's curious blue tracer. A real priorital toss-up, I know.
Thanks to the magic of bullet trails, the MIRV round's mechanics can be more clearly seen; each shell starts out solid, then splits into 7 smaller explosive shells after a fixed period in mid-air (or just explodes all at once if it hits something first). If they had been genuine MIRV munitions, then 50 years from this shot being fired, a guy's grand-kids in a cave in the post-nuclear apocalypse would be asking him what led to the collapse of human civilization, to which his reply would be "Well kids, it all started with this guy in a desert who had a giant handgun..."

"Sound Check"

Added in Update #91 (the 2020 4th of July update), the "Sound Check" is a TF2-styled M1911A1, chambered in the fictitious ".52 AMP" ("Automatic Meaty Pistol") round, which had been added to the game several updates prior with nothing to fire it. The round comes in two forms: a standard FMJ, and a "Jacketed Hollow Patriot" round that fires 3 tracer flechettes per shot - one red, one white, and one blue. The name is a reference to the developer's devlog, which always begins with a sound check by mag-dumping an M1911.

"Welcome to the Devlog!"
"Today we'll be looking at this Meat Fortress-ified M1911 pistol, loaded with .52 AMP FMJ rounds."
"We're going to start off as always with a quick sound check."
"Make sure your speakers aren't up too high."
"Next we have Jacketed Hollow Patriot, which as you can see, have lovely red, white & blue subminitions."
"As you can see, not only are these flechettes riccocheting off the wall in the colors of Old Glory..."
"But so are the sparks that get left behind."
"And by attaching a Meat Fortress suppressor, you've got yourself one fancy sidearm."

Colt Model 1903 Pocket Hammer

Another weapon added in the fifth alpha of Update #85, the seldom-seen Colt Model 1903 Pocket Hammer is available; the in-game model has a deep-blued finish with gold inlays, a spur hammer, and pearl grips.

Colt Model 1903 Pocket Hammer with spur hammer - .38 ACP
The Pocket Hammer.
Incomplete sentences? Of course! What better weapon than a pearl-gripped 1903 for a rebel without a clause?
Shoving in 7 rounds of John Browning's 1900-designed .38 ACP - not to be confused with John Browning's 1908-designed .380 ACP, of course. The latter is 9x17mm, whereas the former is 9x23mm - not to be confused, of course, with the 9x23mm Steyr, or the 9x23mm Winchester, or the dimensionally-identical-but-loaded-to-dramatically-higher-pressures .38 Super, because cartridge designations are fun.
Chambering one of these sensibly-named rounds, showing off the interestingly bulged barrel; this is art of the pistol's short-recoil locking system, which distinguishes the 1903 Pocket Hammer from the straight-blowback 1903 Pocket Hammerless (which is, in spite of the name, hammer-fired) chambered in .32 ACP, which also has a near-identical variant known as the Model 1908 Pocket Hammerless in .380 ACP (not .38 ACP), not to be confused with the Model 1908 Vest Pocket, which is the same gun scaled down to .25 ACP, not to be confused with... you get the point.
Preparing to vent some frustration on a Sosig's head; being a turn-of-the-century pocket pistol, the irons are all but invisible.
Putting a 9-millimeter hole in the Sosig. Or is it .38-caliber? Or .357-caliber? .356? 103.285 gauge?
Ejecting the pistol's magazine before its contents can do any more confuzzling. It's rain ov tearer iz ovur.

Colt Woodsman Match Target

One of the weapons added in the 2018 Halloween update (the main headline of which was the Return of the Rotweiners gamemode, a large-scale rogue-lite zombie RPG) was a Colt Woodsman Match Target .22 target pistol with gold-inlaid engravings and pearl grips; the pistol is exclusive to the mode by default, and can only be unlocked for general use by completing part of it.

Colt Woodsman Match Target (3rd Series) - .22 LR
Admiring the Woodsman, engravings and all. A lovely addition; shame that they provide no tactical advantage whatsoever.
Doing some quick-belt management. Glock 17? Check. Woodsman? Check. Spare mags? Check. Knife? Check. Hatchet? Check. Pie? Check.
Shooting a Rotweiner point-blank with the Colt.
"Aiming" the pistol, Doom-style, at a charging Blut (a tougher, tankier type of Rotweiner). This gives a good view of the engravings on the top of the barrel, as well as the asymmetric target-style profile of the grips.
Unfortunately, a volley of unjacketed .22 LR rounds proves insufficient to stop the Blut, resulting in this rather... uncomfortable situation.
The situation dealt with, our survivalist ejects a magazine, taking note of the heel-mounted magazine release (indicative of a 3rd Series model)...
...loads in a new one...
...and powerstrokes the slide. The lack of visible hands might make this difficult to see; note how the slide is just a tad bit further back than in the previous shots.

COP 357

The full release of Update #85 added a pair of derringers, the more modern (and useful) of which was a COP 357.

COP 357 - .357 Magnum
Examining the COP in a small, seemingly-endless hallway.
It's a rather small gun, though we haven't actually given you any means of verifying that yet.
Popping the COP's top; note that the locking plate (which also holds the rear sight) has appropriately moved back.
Loading in some .357 Magnum rounds.
Aiming through the surprisingly usable sights...
...and failing a Voight-Kampff test, with some rather spectacular recoil. Rapid fire is all but entirely pointless.
Dumping out a set of spent cases.
Blasting apart a crate with the COP. This isn't meant to imply that it's exceptionally powerful or anything; H3's crates just sorta do that.

"Cyber Pistol"

One of the first firearms added to H3VR (before it even carried that name, in fact), along with the "Cartoon 8 Gauge" sawn-off shotgun, was the "Cyber Pistol", a fictional semi-automatic handgun with an integrated laser sight. It feeds from a 9-round single-stack magazine; this initially used a simple, proprietary round known only as "Cyber Pistol" ammunition; in Update #52, it was changed to use the same "10mm DSM" ammo as the LAPD 2019 Blaster. The Cyber Pistol isn't presently attainable through the standard item spawner, though some scenes feature an Easter egg fully-automatic version with infinite ammo, and the standard version can be obtained through random spawns in modes such as Take & Hold.

A pair of Cyber Pistols on a table, along with a crate of neatly-arranged magazines.
The left side of the Cyber Pistol, which looks more or less the same as the right.
Loading in a magazine; note that this shot is from an earlier build of H3, in which magazine loading worked rather differently: as soon as a magazine entered the well, it locked into place, allowing no movement other than upwards or downwards, until the magazine either locked into place or fell back out of the well (respectively).
The floating instructions/guide arrows on objects are another long-gone feature.
Firing the pistol. The trail of casings isn't due to the pistol being fully-automatic; it's simply a by-product of its rather weak ejection.
Dumping the empty magazine out (so empty, in fact, that it seemingly doesn't have a spring)...
...loading in a new one...
...and releasing the locked-back slide.
2 more years, 1 new cartridge. For this gun, at least - dozens of cartridges were added between the build in which the first screenshots were taken and this one.
Loading the Cyber Pistol up with this new, novel, actually-named ammunition.
Aiming (more or less); the Cyber Pistol was the first of many in-game weapons to have illuminated green iron sights.
Firing the updated Cyber Pistol, which shows off its interesting blue muzzle flash.
It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it effect, though - you might even say it's... gone in a flash.
...I'll leave.


The CZ 75 SP-01 SHADOW is one of the available firearms in-game, being one of the many weapons added through the 1st Meatmas update.

CZ 75 SP-01 SHADOW - 9x19mm
Giving the viewers at home a good look at the CZ's model.
The pistol's other side. The markings on the slide read "AP 85 SP-02", seemingly in a copyright-motivated effort to subtly change every single part of the gun's name.
Loading a 17-round magazine into the CZ 75.
Racking the pistol's slide.
Aiming through the 75's illuminated 3-dot sights.
Said sights make landing shots on target substantially easier, especially when compared to some of the game's older, smaller-sighted handguns.
Dropping an empty magazine out of the empty CZ.


One of the seven cursed guns added in Update #95, The Deaglov is a hybrid of the Makarov PM and Desert Eagle pistols, chambered in .32 ACP - namely, it features the Desert Eagle's barrel and slide, scaled down to fit the Makarov's frame. The Deaglov is tied with the Tomacuzi as the fourth hybrid firearm added to the game.

Desert Eagle Mk XIX - .50 AE
Makarov PM - 9x18mm Makarov
"Alright, you two. Explain."
Taking a look at the Deaglov; the slide markings read "CURSED RESEARCH INC. PM EAGLE". Befitting of such a weapon, these markings are also in Comic Sans.
Loading a magazine into the pistol; these are a double-stack affair visually resembling those of some more modern Makarov variants (e.g. the PMM), and hold 14 rounds of .32 ACP.
Racking the slide reveals that the Deaglov retains the Desert Eagle's rotating bolt head (and presumably its gas-operated action as well); needless to say, this is a bit overkill for a .32. Then again, it wouldn't be the first time...
Aiming at some floating drywall; the relatively large, square sights are easy to use, though their lack of color can make them hard to pick up in darker (or just grayer) environments.
Popping off a .32. One can just make out what's left of a dying muzzle flash to the left of the plaster blocks.
Dumping a magazine out of the pistol, at an angle that doesn't really make much sense. Then again, not much else about the gun does either.
True to the original Deagle's barrel design, the Deaglov features an optics rail; aside from being at least somewhat fitting contextually, the Russian-made OKP-7 sight actually works far better than one would expect.

Desert Eagle L5

One of the six gifts added with the 25th and final day of the Meatmas 2018 event (5 firearms and one attachment) was a Desert Eagle; more specifically, a .357 Magnum-chambered Desert Eagle L5, a short-barreled lightweight version meant to comply with certain legal restrictions (some US states having a ban on any handgun over 50 ounces (approx. 1.4 kg)). This variant completed the in-game trifecta of the 3 standard Desert Eagle calibers: .357 Magnum, .44 Magnum, and .50 AE (excluding more obscure and rare chamberings, like .440 Cor-Bon, .41 Magnum, and .429 DE). This is, notably, the first documented appearance of this particular Desert Eagle variant in any known form of media.

Magnum Research Desert Eagle L5 - .50 AE
How fitting that the variant given on Christmas is the only one small enough to actually fit into one of these gift boxes like this. And, for that matter, quite likely the only one that's light enough to not rip a hole in the bottom when you hold it from the sides.
Loading the truncated Desert Eagle. Being chambered in .357, each one of these magazines holds 9 rounds.
Pausing for a moment to strike a pose that would probably look a whole lot cooler from anybody else's perspective.
"Aww, don't listen to them! I think you're a very handsome young man. Besides, I'm sure you'll grow into your frame by the time you hit college. Just look at your father! He wasn't very big either when he was your age, but then he hit his growth spurt in high school, and ZWOOP! Up he went! Here, I think we have some of his old pictures from his middle school days somewhere around here..."
Racking the L5, in an attempt to intimidate away the crippling loneliness that causes one to apply human personalities to firearms and vent to strangers in database pages.
Lining up the sights, and...
"See! Look at you! I knew you could do it! You're doing great, especially for your age! And if all those other kids don't want to let you be their friend, then you know what I think? I think that that's. Their. Loss. Now, if you want, we could go downtown and get some ice cre-"
One shot in illusion plus eight in self-doubting anger equals nine, and that equals an empty pistol.
This, of course, merits a mag-flick so tacticool that it breaks the laws of the universe. And maybe some therapy. The accident was thirteen years ago. You were just a little boy. I was drinking that night. There was nothing you could have done. It's time for you to move on. You can't keep living like this. You have to let go...

Desert Eagle Mark VII

A Desert Eagle Mark VII, chambered in .44 Magnum is one of the available firearms in-game. It was added in Update #26, an update that (perhaps more significantly) also added the Meat Grinder gamemode. The in-game model also has Mark XIX slide serations and can mount attachments, despite lacking the rail necessary to do so.

On April Fools' Day of 2018, Update #52's 7th alpha build was released. Among other things, this included the "Degle.50", a cardboard Desert Eagle held together with duct tape. The weapon was meant as a joke response to a poorly-spelled Steam request for a replica of the Desert Eagle seen in Blue Estate. It fires the ".50 Imaginary" round, of which several types (with names just as eloquent as that of the pistol itself) are available. To top it off, all of the Degle's sound effects were created by game director Anton Hand - not mixed, mind you, but literally created - the sounds are all Anton saying various onomatopoeia associated with the weapon's functions.

IMI Desert Eagle Mark VII - .44 Magnum
Loading up a Desert Eagle.
Racking the slide.
Aiming (or at least attempting to)...
...and firing.
Wrists? Who needs wrists?
Practicing for an upcoming role as [INSERT GENERIC ACTION MOVIE PROTAGONIST HERE].
Engaging in some more generally unacceptable range behavior.
Ejecting a pair of empty magazines.


"a wepon 2 sirpas metle geer".
Loading a cardboard magazine into the cardboard pistol. These magazines hold 8 rounds; a real .50 Desert Eagle's magazine holds only seven, but then again, this isn't even supposed to be a "real" Desert Eagle in-game.
One of the more curious elements of the Degle is its fully functional safety, seen here in the "safe" position...
...and here in the "fire" position, with each manipulation of the switch producing an audibly bearded "tink".
Pulling back the slide; note that, interestingly, the Degle's black marker markings are written slightly differently on either side of the barrel, reflecting its small-hand-made nature.
Demonstrating a small child's understanding of the concept called "aiming"; the cardboard sights are actually more serviceable than one might think, not that this shot really shows that.
The Degle in full recoil; yes, it even ejects cardboard casings.
A list of the various types of .50 Imaginary rounds available, seen here in the ammo spawning panel. From top to bottom: "BOOOMY" (fragmenting explosive) rounds, "FLASHY" (tracer) rounds, the currently-selected "MEGA!!1!" rounds, "NERMAL" (normal) rounds, "POINTYOWW!" (armor-piercing) rounds, and "SOOPER SPESHUL" (high-velocity) rounds.
Taking a look at a magazine filled with "SOOPER SPESHUL" rounds...
...and loading it full of "NERMAL" cardboard rounds.
The use of the game's optional bullet trails reveals that these have more or less the ballistics one would expect out of a piece of cardboard fired from another piece of cardboard. Nermal indeed.
On the other hand, the "SOOPER SPESHUL" rounds fly straight as an arrow. Also note the exaggerated cloud of smoke, yet another by-product of this being a child's interpretation of how a gun works.
The "BOOOMY" ammo, which produces a suitably impressive spray of red glowing shrapnel.
Taking a look at a magazine full of blue-tipped "MEGA!!1!" rounds through the locked-open slide's ejection port; the cardboard rounds are, in fact, color-coded. But u cant see wat da MEGA bullitz do, becuz its SOOOOOOOPER SEEKRIT!!1!1!!!1

Desert Eagle Mark XIX

To compliment the .44 Mark VII, Update #58 added a Desert Eagle Mark XIX in .50 Action Express. The in-game handgun is a more recent Magnum Research model, with rails on the barrel and frame, and a ported barrel.

Magnum Research Desert Eagle Mark XIX w/ported barrel - .50 AE
Admiring the newer Desert Eagle.
A closeup of the barrel, which reveals that the handgun is marked ".50 AE", and nothing else. No trademarks, no model designation, nothing.
Well, at least it has a serial number.
Loading in a magazine.
Chambering a .50 Action Express round.
Firing the handcannon.

Flintlock Pistol

Update #81 brought in the game's first muzzle-loading firearm (barring the GP-25, if you want to get pedantic), a .69-caliber Flintlock Pistol of supposed 18th century origin; it uses a completely proprietary code-base (the most complex of any firearm in the game), with a wide variety of possible interactions and results (whether beneficial or otherwise).

New Land Pattern flintlock pistol - .65 caliber. Somewhat similar to the pistol in-game
Examining the flintlock pistol; unlike the reference image, this one lacks brass fittings, and has a rounded butt.
A simple weapon in appearance and function alike, but a wonderful one to see here nevertheless.
A close-up of the lockplate, showing off the leather-padded screw-jaw used to hold the flint in the hammer (or the cock, if your dedication to vocabulary outstrips your desire not to hear everyone giggling like a middle school biology class), as well as the simple v-spring used to put tension on the frizzen (a word whose meaning will be elaborated on further down the page).
To load the pistol, one must first half-cock the hammer...
...and then grab this thing. Said thing is a paper cartridge, containing a pre-measured charge of powder, a single lead ball, and a note from Mom telling you to have a good first day at school.
After punching yourself in the face with a VR controller tearing open the cartridge with your teeth, the next step is to drop some powder into the flash-pan, either by tapping the button to drop individual clumps (as attempting to simulate a powdered substance in PhysX would likely cause blackouts across half the county), or by simply upending the cartridge and pouring out powder; the maximum clump count is five. Then, just close up the frizzen with a swipe of the hand (lest the priming powder fall out when the pistol is tipped over), and move to the muzzle.
The rest of the powder can simply be dumped down the barrel.
Along with the rest of the cartridge.
If speed isn't your speed, loose powder is an option, with the source of the Spice being this wooden flask.
The lid's not just for show; this is a mythical Powder Flask of Holding, and as such will continue to produce black powder when tipped over until either the lid is put back into place, or the universe is destroyed by an endless flood of slightly clumpy propellant.
Anyway, this is a lead ball. Keep out of reach of children.
To finish off either reloading method, one must pull the ramrod from the stone...
...and then shove everything into place (to prevent it from falling out, and compress the powder properly for maximum effect). The ramrod makes a tapping noise whenever it bottoms out, with the noise dropping in pitch when the contents can't be pushed any further; interestingly, the maximum depth it can reach depends on the contents of the barrel, with larger amounts of powder/projectiles (both of which can be loaded to whatever degree the user desires, at the risk of jamming in a ball without propellant, getting a squib (a bullet that doesn't have enough energy to leave the barrel), or blowing up the gun).
Finally, just fully cock the hammer, and you're ready to fire.
This image would be captioned "Aiming down the pistol's sights" if it had any.
Upon pulling the trigger, there is first a flash in the flash-pan, caused by the hammer's flint making sparks as it strikes/opens the frizzen, and igniting the powder beneath. The more powder that is placed into the pan, the larger and longer-lasting this flash is, with the only real reason to add more being dramatic effect.
After this second-fractional delay, the main charge goes off, and a .69-inch hole hopefully appears in whatever you were aiming at.
Of course, slamming a small stone into a piece of iron repeatedly isn't going to do wonders for the former, necessitating replacement from time to time (unless you just want to ignore the hammer entirely and set off the priming powder with a strike-anywhere match, which this game also lets you do); to do this, half-cock the hammer, click the hammer's screw to loosen it, remove the old flint, insert a new one, and re-tighten the screw. These steps are all condensed into one screenshot here, because I have a finite amount of patience.
Another flintlock, this time in the Proving Grounds, with its ramrod shoved into the barrel. Why, you ask?
To use as a projectile, of course! (And yes, this Sosig is on fire, as the flintlock is perfectly capable of igniting targets close enough to the muzzle when not loaded with an actual projectile.)

FN Five-seveN

Update #58 added a much-requested handgun, the FN Five-seveN. The in-game weapon is a USG model, the most common of the bunch (despite no longer being in production), and has an FDE frame. The name "Five-seveN" refers to the pistol's 5.7x28mm ammunition, which unlike Heckler & Koch's rival 4.6mm round is not completely useless as pistol ammunition. The capitalization used in the Five-seveN's name is to highlight the "FN" in FN Herstal's name, as well as presumably to appeal to fans of American thrash metal.

FN Five-seveN USG - 5.7x28mm
The left side of the Five-seveN...
...and the right side.
Toying with the safety.
Unusually for a striker-fired pistol, the Five-seveN's safety is also a decocker.
All that aside, it's high time to actually load the handgun.
And, of course, to chamber it. This also cocks the striker, rendering the above discussion of the decocker/safety a bit of a moot point.
The Five-seveN's sights, which are of the adjustable 3-dot variety.
Firing off a shot.
That round plus 19 later, and the empty magazine is jettisoned from the pistol.
One of the new features introduced in Update #58 is the ability to rack pistol slides with things other than the user's hands, as seen in this appalling display of muzzle unawareness. The emptiness of the pistol and the range alike go some way to make up for this.

FN Model 1906

Day 2 of the 2018 Meatmas Update brought along an FN Model 1906 pocket pistol.

FN Model 1906 - .25 ACP
The FN 1906 in its advent calendar box. This shot was, interestingly, captured the exact moment that the 2 dancing Sosigs next to the box spontaneously explode in a shower of mustard. Maybe it was from trying to pronounce the artist's name.
Taking a closer look at the pistol.
Yes, it really is this small.
Loading in a magazine. If 6 rounds of .25 ACP doesn't sound like a whole lot, it's because it isn't.
Still, better than nothing.
Taking an even closer look. Interestingly, in a game full of obfuscated trademarks, the 1906 has a perfectly intact FN logo molded into both sides' grip panels.
Aiming at a wooden target. Being designed more for concealment than combat, the 1906 uses an interesting combination of an imaginary rear sight notch, lined up with a front post made of air.
Surprisingly, a few rounds of .25 makes rather quick work of the target. Though, to be fair, it'll do that if you hit it with a stick hard enough, so it's not like the bar is set all that high.
Dropping out an empty magazine.


The first experimental build of Update #102 brought along the Fort-12, simply named the "F12".

Fort-12 - 9x18mm Makarov
New build, new map, new pistol. Pretty sweet deal, honestly.
Even if it won't fire for some stupid-
Even with the safety disengaged, of course, it's not going to fire without any ammunition. Luckily, the gun has a convenient mechanism for holding it - 12 rounds of 9x18mm Makarov, in a double-stack magazine.
Plus one in the chamber, if you're so inclined.
Taking aim at what appears to be a load-bearing air conditioning unit...
...and firing a couple rounds at it. Mutually-exclusive actions, I assure you.
With 12 rounds of 9x18mm proving insufficient to topple an entire building, the pistol locks open, and the magazine, having outlived its usefulness, decides to make a run for it.

French UNION

So far the only known media appearance of this fairly rare French machine pistol, the UNION was a version of the Ruby capable of full-auto fire. It had a distinctive 35-round horseshoe magazine, which is replicated in-game.

French UNION with magazine and loading tool - .32 ACP
When you have a game with the word "Horseshoes" in the name, you need to have a gun involving horseshoes. It's just mandatory.
Loading in the magazine...
...which results in something exactly as ridiculous-looking as you'd expect.
Pulling back the UNION's slide.
Aiming; this is a rather pointless activity, considering both the weapon's lack of sights and its short effective range.
Unleashing a barrage of .32 ACP rounds.
35 of the aforementioned rounds later, the UNION locks open, showing off the fluting of the barrel, which is normally covered by the slide.
A closeup of the pistol, following a quick mag change. This shows off the labeled witness holes in the magazine (which actually allow for the viewing of cartridges in-game, and are placed every 5 rounds, starting at 15), as well as the markings, which read "PISTOLET AUTOMATIQUE FRANCAIS" on the first line, "FABRIQUE A STETIENNE-CAL 7.65" on the second, "UNION" both on the grip and to the right of the other slide markings (in quotation marks on the latter, oddly enough), and "TRADE MARK" surrounding a manufacturer's logo in the center of the grip panel. While not visible here, the front of the lower frame indicates that the serial number is 0424, and the magazine is marked "CHARGEUR "UNION" CAL.7/65 BTE S.G.D.G".
Just in case it wasn't ridiculous enough already, the unique magazine shape of the UNION allows for... this.
That, in turn, allows for a particularly enterprising lunatic to do this. And they said that the engine didn't support loose chains...

Glock 17

Update #53 added a series of 9x19mm Glock pistols, the first of which being the ubiquitous Glock 17 to H3VR, specifically a 4th-generation model. It comes in 2 flavors - vanilla, and "Custom", the latter having a flared magazine well, raised aftermarket iron sights, a slide-mounted red dot sight, and a modified slide resembling the ZEV Technologies Dragonfly, with diagonal slide serrations and milling cuts around the barrel. It also comes with a unique 20-round magazine, interchangeable with the other 9mm Glocks.

Update #92 replaced the former gun's model, largely because its textures did not play nicely with the game's lighting system; the replacement model is a 3rd-generation version.

Glock 17 (4th Generation) - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the Glock. The aggressive grip texturing, large magazine release, and straighter dustcover peg this as a Gen 4 model.
The other side. Were it not for the fact that it's a couple generations too modern, one could assume that the dust came from all that time in the desert.
Loading in a has-absolutely-nothing-to-do-with-the-model-number 17-round magazine.
Chambering a round.
Taking a look through the Glock's factory-standard Patridge iron sights.
Sending a round downrange.
Taking advantage of the Glock's frame-mounted rail, and affixing a laser sight. But this isn't just any ordinary laser sight...'s a purple laser sight.
Giving the bullseye a taste of some violet violence.
All alliterations aside, an arresting abstract abolishes an abandoned armory after an abrupt age amidst an advanced abbreviated arquebus.
Glock 17 (3rd Generation) - 9x19mm Parabellum
Standing out on the less fun side of the firing line with the newer Glock.
A closer look at said handgun reveals that, with its less pronounced grip texturing and more curved dustcover, this "newer" gun is actually a slightly older model.
Loading in a magazine (also new, as it came with the gun). Remember what the back of this mag looks like; it'll be important later.
Racking the slide; not much has changed in this department, though the end of the guide rod is slightly smaller.
The irons are, likewise, largely the same, though they no longer have white paint for extra contrast.
Firing a round at what is definitely not somebody's headstone. Hey, their fault for putting it there.
Going from "now" to "later", and popping out the magazine for a quick look; unlike the prior model, this magazine has modeled witness holes, allowing the user to check exactly how many rounds remain.
Setting off an explosive barrel; with the exciting news of modeled witness holes having just hit home, it's entirely understandable that one would forget what explosions do to nearby people.
And to forget that your ammunition supply is, in fact, finite. Conveniently enough, the gun will remind you of this without even requiring you to take the magazine out.


Custom Glock 17 with ZEV Technologies Dragonfly slide, ZEV slim aluminum magwell, and other custom parts - 9x19mm Parabellum
"With these upgrades, you never stood a chance."
The other side of the pseudo-racegun G17.
Grabbing one of the special magazines, and...
Racking the heavily-milled slide.
Taking a look through the integrated red-dot sight, which co-witnesses with the aftermarket raised 3-dot sights.
Firing off a shot, after having the common sense to move the pistol a little further from the face.
Trying out a couple of laser sights...
...this one being red...
...and this one being...

Glock 18

The second (or third, if you count the custom G17) Glock variant added in Update #53 is a 2nd-generation Glock 18 machine pistol.

Glock 18 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Taking a look at the G18.
A closeup of the Glock, which gives a good look at the mysterious switch on the slide...
Loading in a magazine.
Giving the slide a tug.
Taking a look through the irons; like the 17, these are factory Patridge sights.
Firing off a shot.
Remembering the mysterious switch from earlier. Wonder what it does...
"Well, only one way to find out..."
Dropping out the emptied-in-under-a-second magazine.
Attaching a suppressor...
...loading in a 33-round magazine...
...and going to town.

Glock 18C

Update #92 added a 4th-generation Glock 18C as a more modern alternative, as the only other modern machine pistol had been the Glock 22 Full-Auto Mod. Factory made Glock 18C pistols aren't currently known to exist in Gen 4, though there are some Khyber Pass copies in this configuration.

Glock 18C (3rd generation) - 9x19mm Parabellum. Note that the compensator cuts that set this model apart from the standard Glock 18 are not visible from this angle.
Glock 17 (4th generation) - 9x19mm Parabellum. Image provided to show the Gen 4 features, namely the interchangeable backstrap, more aggressive grip texture, and larger magazine release.
Checking out some of the new gear in the Meatmas Snowglobe scene. While this may appear at first glance to be just another Glock with a funny-colored slide, a closer inspection reveals that it is actually...
...another fully-automatic Glock with a funny-colored slide.
Loading in a standard 17-round magazine; since this particular Glock came in the same update as the replacement G17 model, these are the latter gun's magazines, modeled witness holes and all.
Chambering a round; here the compensator cuts in the top of the slide and barrel are visible.
And here, their effects are visible - good for recoil management, not so much for actually seeing what you're shooting at.
A good view of the standard factory Patridge sights, as seen just after popping another Weinerbot in the dome.
Sure, semi-auto's all well and good and practical, but why not have a little fun?
As it turns out, a 17-round magazine is why not, especially when the fun in question occurs at 1,200 RPM.
Solution: a 50-round drum.
With that problem sorted, it's back to merrily hosing down Weinerbots. Fun times all around, excluding a small cone extending directly from the muzzle.

Glock 19

The third (or, again, fourth if the customized G17 is counted) and final Update #53 Glock is a 3rd-gen Glock 19 with an FDE frame and a extended threaded barrel. Before it was made a usable weapon, a cartoonish-looking compact-sized Glock was made available to Soldier Weinerbots in Update #46.

Glock 19 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Looking over the G19; the "19", "AUSTRIA", and "9x19" markings are present, but the manufacturer's trademark is conspicuously absent.
The other side of the Glock. Not much to say here. Well, not without starting a debate about Flat Dark Earth finishes, anyway.
Mashing a 33-round magazine into the pistol. The G19 has no magazine of its own; presumably, this is due to the fact that while the other 9x19mm Glocks' magazines can fit into the G19, the G19's 15-rounder can't fit into the larger models, and H3's code doesn't support that sort of one-way compatibility.
Putting the first of the 33 aforementioned cartridges into the chamber.
A look at the sights; unlike the G17 and G18 (but like the G22), the G19 uses 3-dot irons.
The alpha build of Update #69 changed these dots from white to a bright, luminous green, making the sights easier to use in low-light environments, at the cost of making them harder to use in high-radioactive-waste environments.
Letting a 9x19mm round fly.

Glock 22

The Glock 22 is one of the available handguns in-game, added in Update #5; a version converted to fire in full-auto was added in a later update.

Glock 22 (3rd Generation) - .40 S&W
A Glock 22 and a corresponding magazine on their respective pedestals at the start of the Gun-nasium, an timed obstacle course/shooting challenge that was used initially to test a new form of grab-based movement.
Loading in a 15-round magazine.
Racking the Glock's slide.
Shooting at a target; in the Gun-nasium, these take the form of mysterious blue cubes that levitate in place and shatter when shot.
Putting the Glock's illuminated 3-dot sights to good use, taking care of a row of the aforementioned Mysterious Blue Cubes.
Dropping an empty magazine, and watching it fall about 20 feet to the floor.
Now on stable ground, the player character loads an extended magazine into the full-auto-converted G22, which looks more or less completely identical to the standard version.
Shredding a target with a salvo of .40 S&W rounds.
A close-up of the slide, which shows off the rather... interestingly obfuscated markings.
Deciding that iron sights are for squares, our player character tacks on his hip front rail...
...before accidentally creating an abomination unto God and man.


Stealth-added as a rare drop in Take & Hold and Meat Grinder, the "Gluger" is (as the name would imply) a hybrid of a Glock and a Luger - to be exact, it's a Glock 19 frame with a Luger P08 barrel, toggle system, and upper frame.

Luger P08 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Glock 19 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The Gluger: a better Luger, or a worse Glock? You decide!
A better look at the underside rail from the glock frame. One of the advantages of this gun over its also freakish brother, the Llock.
The other advantage being its base magazine size is significantly larger; here we see a standard 15 round glock magazine inserted.
Chambering the gun using the toggle lock.
The main disadvantage are the tiny sights from the Luger...
As well as the huge toggle lock disrupting the sight picture.
The now empty Gluger, awaiting more carnage.
As typical for Glock pistols, this Gluger can use any 9x19mm glock magazine, including the extended 33 rounder.
...but why stop there with this abomination?


Alpha 1 of Update #94 added the GSh-18, as part of an effort to expand the game's previously rather limited selection of modern Russian handguns.

GSh-18 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Looking over the GSh-18 in the Cappocollosseum's lobby.
It's a bit rough, but still serviceable.
Loading in a mag full of overpressure API (armor-piercing incendiary) rounds. We'd've used the more appropriate 7N31 +P AP ammo, but it was out of stock.
Racking the slide shows off one of the GSh-18's more unique features: it is a rotating-barrel pistol, with a truly stupendous number of locking lugs around the barrel (presumably to allow it to use the aforementioned high-pressure 7N31 ammo).
Looking through the sights, and scanning the target area for, well, targets.
Finding one in a rather inopportune state (i.e. mid-air), and taking a few potshots.
Eighteen potshots, to be precise, which is why an empty magazine is now coming out of the grip. Y'know, it hadn't really hit me just how many holes they punched in these things...
Thumbing the slide release, and sending a fresh round into battery.

Heckler & Koch Mark 23

The fourth alpha of Update #85 added another long-requested handgun - the Heckler & Koch Mark 23, complete with its distinctive attachable LAM.

Heckler & Koch Mark 23 - .45 ACP
Skulking about in a secret underground purple-manufacturing facility, Solid Steak draws his Mark 23.
He then turns off the safety.
Examining the other side of the pistol; note the lack of front cocking serrations, showing this to be a production model, rather than the prototypes that some games depict.
Being the strong, capable agent that he is, Steak forgoes having a loader, and instead simply loads and operates his crew-served handgun alone.
Chambering a round (and appropriately tilting the barrel upwards); seeing as this is an Offensive Handgun Weapon System, what else would this be but .45 ACP?
Aiming at a wall, waiting for an exclamation mark to pop up above it.
"Maybe it was the right thing to do, maybe it wasn't. I don't know, and I'm not sure if I ever will. All I know is that, in that moment, I had a choice: me, or the wall. The fact that I'm saying this should tell you which one I chose."
Having finished his brooding, Steak dramatically pitches an empty magazine into the floor.
Of course, what's the point of a SOCOM without the fixings? The suppressor was already in the game (having been added along with the "QC9 PDW"), while the proprietary (i.e. not Picatinny-compatible) LAM unit was implemented for this gun alone.
As with the real deal, it has multiple functions: there's a laser...
...a flashlight...
...and (C), all of the above. The real deal also has IR options, but implementing night-vision goggles into a game like H3 would require more time, effort, and bug-hunting than would ultimately be worth it.
Engaging in the time-honored tradition of camping in the enemy team's spawn with a decked-out Mark 23; recoil reduction can be achieved with a spare magazine in the off-hand, allowing you to put your Harries technique practice to good use even with an underbarrel flashlight.

Heckler & Koch SP5K

One of the many Heckler & Koch MP5 variants added in Update #63, the SP5K is a civilian semi-auto-only variant of the MP5K, and can be considered a current-day equivalent to H&K's earlier SP89. H3VR is the first piece of media known to include the SP5K. It accounts for 4 of the update's 28 MP5 variants, all of which differ in stocks: the standard SP5K doesn't have one, the "SP5KA2" has a fixed stock, the "SP5KA3" has a collapsible stock, and the "SP5K Folding" has a PDW-style folding stock. These are relatively in keeping with standard MP5 naming conventions (though H&K isn't known to use the word "folding" in any of its firearm names), but are all fictional - the SP5K is intended for the US civilian market as a "pistol" (which is why it is on the H3VR pistol page, even though technically it is a compact carbine), and giving it a stock would make it subject to NFA regulations on short-barreled rifles; while a stocked SP5K could be created, it isn't a factory product, and anyone who created/purchased one would have to pay $200.00 USD to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives to own it.

Heckler & Koch SP5K - 9x19mm Parabellum
Jumping right on into things, and pulling back the SP5K's charging handle.
What's this locking notch for, you ask? Well, in the words of a certain mouse (whose name shan't be mentioned here, for fear of copyright infringement), "It's a surprise tool that will help us later!"
Pausing the into-things-jumping for a second to admire the SP5K.
The other side. Note the paddle-style magazine release in front of the trigger guard; this was later removed, as it isn't a feature of the actual SP5K. This is due to the fact that the paddle magazine release on a standard MP5 is attached to the front receiver pin, which isn't included on civilian semi-auto lower receivers. This, in turn, is due to BATFE regulations on automatic weapons; civilian MP5 lowers don't use the standard receiver pin setup, because if they did, then the BATFE would regulate them as machine guns, on the grounds that one could easily affix a select-fire MP5 trigger group to the otherwise semi-auto firearm and make it fully-automatic.
Being, as mentioned, aimed at civilians, the SP5K's selector switch has only 2 settings: "no bullets"...
...and "one bullet".


Y'know, looking back at it, maybe "aimed at civilians" wasn't the best choice of words...
Attempting to move past this awkward moment by loading a 15-round magazine into the SP5K; this, however, ends up not really looking any less awkward in the end.
Hey, remember that "surprise tool" from earlier?
Here's it helping us later. Which is now. And also earlier, since this is a pre-captured screenshot. Make sense?
Firing the SP5K, whilst contemplating the mysteries of life and the strange, confounding concept known as "time". And whether or not there's any more of that spicy pepper cheese left in the fridge.
The SP5K "A2", which has a stock that stays put...
...the SP5K "A3"...
...which has a stock that e x t e n d s ...
...and the SP5K "Folding"...
...which has a stock that, well, folds.
Perfect if you want to ignore its sole distinguishing feature.
It also has, like all the other MP5 variants, adjustable diopter drum sights. However, like the other MP5 variants, use of any setting other than the default is only recommended for the exceptionally steady-handed or the exceptionally masochistic.

Heckler & Koch USP Match

One of a pair of USPs added in Update #69, the Heckler & Koch USP Match adds to H3's pool of available .45s. The irony of a gun with a "six-inch" barrel being added in Update #69 may have been noted by those readers whose minds are in the gutter.

Update #87, which carried a general theme of Half-Life 2 (in part due to the release of Half-Life: Alyx a couple days prior), added an additional variant of the USP Match chambered in 9x19mm.

Heckler & Koch USP Match - 9x19mm Parabellum. Unlike this image, the one immediately below is chambered in .45 ACP.
Put 'em together, and you get... one of the objects on this table.
Examining the USP Match. The stainless finish is quite nice...
...though it can make bright lights a bit of a problem.
Loading in a magazine.
Chambering a round. A nice little detail worth noting, the barrel is correctly depicted as tilting upwards.
Aiming the pistol. While they ought to be used in pairs, the right-hand pistol called in sick this morning, so we'll just have to make do.
Firing a few rounds at Antitarget One.
12 rounds later, the gun runs as empty as the well of references to make about it. Well, ones people'll get, anyway...
And now, several months later, here's the subject of the previously-penultimate image's caption's joke. It looks pretty much the same as the standard variant... for the sights, which are green and glowy, like HL2's. And like the filling I got from this cool guy in the local 7/11's parking lot. That's normal, right?
Having successfully dealt with the poisonous Breadcrab in the above shot, Welldone Freemeat (the Take & Hold character added in Update #87) rather dramatically ejects an empty 18-round magazine.
He then sling-shots the locked-back slide, chambering another 9x19mm API round.
And then deals with another Breadcrab, this time using an interesting twist on the Harries technique.

Heckler & Koch USP Tactical

Along with the USP Match, a Heckler & Koch USP Tactical was added in Update #69.

Heckler & Koch USP Tactical - .45 ACP
Once more, same as before. The other objects on the table are related to the same update that introduced the pistols; the 40x46mm grenade at the right is meant to go with the HK69A1 added concurrently, and the small objects at the left are a laser pointer (far left) and a newly-added 90-degree rail adaptor (near left).
Loading the USP Tactical. Note that the rounds in the magazine are facing backwards (also the case with the Match, as they use the same mags); often mistakenly reported as a bug, this is actually a reference to an infamous mistake on an official H&K catalog, which depicted a P2000 next to a pair of magazines loaded the same way.
Flipping the pistol over...
...and racking the slide.
Pausing for a moment to admire the other side of the USP.
Taking a look through the sights.
Tactically delivering a few .45 ACP rounds. Compared to the Match, the USP Tactical has a bit more kick (lacking the Match's barrel weight), but has the advantage of being compatible with suppressors, thanks to its threaded barrel.
"Hey, your guy called in sick earlier, right?"


"I might have somebody who can help..."

Heckler & Koch VP9

Another one of the gifts added on the 25th and final day of the Meatmas 2018 update event, the Heckler & Koch VP9 makes its video game debut in H3.

Heckler & Koch VP9 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Opening up a gift box to reveal a VP9, whilst trying to ignore Santon's somewhat strange choice of decorative silver bows made of intangible ribbon.
Slamming in a standard 15-round magazine.
Sending the first of those rounds into the chamber with a quick rack of the slide.
Deciding to combine this gift with another, smaller one added alongside it: a new suppressor, wrapped in a black cloth shroud that's held on with cord; such shrouds are often fitted to suppressors to reduce heat mirage, and to make them easier to touch/remove after firing (since suppressors have to trap and absorb all the leftover energy from the burning gunpowder in each fired round, they tend to heat up rather quickly). Plus, they look cool.
The two make a rather nice pair, wouldn't you say?
Granted, the Tactical model, with its threaded barrel, would be slightly more appropriate, but it's not like you can't affix a suppressor to a normal one or anything.
That being said, one of the other advantages of the Tactical model is its use of raised, suppressor-height sights, the advantages of which are rather clear here.
Well, you know what they say: "When life gives you lemons, you fire a suppressed handgun indiscriminately off into the woods."
It doesn't really accomplish anything, but it at least makes you feel better.
Dropping a spent magazine out of the VP9, and moving on to the rest of the boxes. I wonder what else is in store...

Heizer Defense DoubleTap

The Heizer Defense DoubleTap was the first weapon to be added to the Meatmas 2020 Advent Calendar event, specifically the 9x19mm ported version.

Heizer Defense DoubleTap - 9mm Non ported
The DoubleTap in its crate, with an M1911A1 for scale. It is referred to in-game as the "Doubledown Derringer", or "DDD" for short. Given the weapon's date of introduction (December 1st), and the game's frequent use of crass humor, it wouldn't be surprising if this was a reference to the other DDD.
Taking a look up close, one can see that this version features a ported barrel.
And looking on the other side reveals that the release for the barrels is ambidextrous.
Operating the Doubletap is near identical to the earlier-added Model 95, apart from not needing to cock the hammer.
The scene provides the player with two +P API rounds, which gives the diminutive pistol a boost in viability.
Taking aim at one of the new Junkbot enemies; the small gutter-sight on the derringer makes anything but point-blank shots a challenge, but at least these bots are unarmed.
When the glowing red can on the back of the Junkbot's head is shot, the entire thing immediately falls apart.
Having spent the second shot on another Junkbot, the derringer is now empty.

Heizer Defense PAK1

The Heizer Defense PAK1 made its media debut in Update #102's first experimental build, going by the name "PK1" in-game.

Heizer Defense PAK1 - 7.62x39mm
Nope, that caliber note isn't a typo; this thing really exists, and it's actually chambered in 7.62x39mm. Hence the name - it's short for "Pocket AK".
The other side is much the same, so a pull of the weapon's somewhat long double-action trigger has been added for variety.
Just like its double-barreled cousin above, the PAK1's barrel pops open for loading with a push of the button on either side. A forward push, to be precise.
Loading in a round not at all suitable for this length of barrel; the green tip denotes a tracer. Just 'cause.
Unaware of its own absurdity, the diminutive pistol accepts it without complaint; the automatic extractor sits right in the round's extractor groove, just as it ought to.
Aiming at a large window; aside from the rather tiny sights, the main thing worth noting here is just how impressively thin the PAK1 is. Sure, it's a pocketable derringer, but it's still chambered for an intermediate rifle cartridge.
As one would expect out of a sub-4" barrel slinging a round meant for something at least 4 times that length, there's a considerable amount of muzzle flash...
...and a not-insubstantial amount of recoil. Enough frames passed between these two screenshots for the round in question to hit its mark; a great deal of effort went into making the window respond in kind, freely breaking into a series of shards along cracks that radiate out from a single impact point.
Excitedly cracking the PAK open to reload and continue the demonstration, before remembering that that was the only round provided.
But hey, if it's a shattered window you're after, you can at least take solace in the fact that there's more than one way to break glass with a gun.

Intratec TEC-9

The Intratec TEC-9 is one of the game's available firearms; it has a rather strange "tacticool" orange paintjob. Initially, 2 versions were available - a standard semi-auto variant, and a variant converted to full-auto; Update #53 changed the latter into a converted Interdynamic KG-9, leaving only the standard semi-auto version.

Intratec TEC-9 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Someone regrets lending his TEC-9 to those CS:GO boys down the street.
Strange paintjobs notwithstanding, he loads in a magazine...
...chambers a round...
...and opens fire, spraying 9x19mm tracer rounds left, right, and center. This is the full-auto converted model, in case the continuous stream of spent casings didn't make that clear enough. This is somewhat odd, as most full-auto TEC-9s are the earlier open-bolt KG-9 model, but a full-auto conversion of a closed-bolt TEC-9 is far from impossible. Still, Update #53 swapped this out for the more common open-bolt variant.
Taking a look at the sights, back in a location that's at least in the general vicinity of "normal"...
...and firing a single shot out of the substantially less interesting semi-auto version.

"IPSICK 2011"

Added in Update #95, the "IPSICK 2011" is an M1911-pattern racegun, visually reminiscent of the STI's 2011 series; in keeping with the update's theme of "cursed guns", it is a rather exaggerated-looking example of such a pistol, with purple wrap-around grips, a bright red C-More-style "YOLOgraphic" sight, a titanium nitride-coated barrel, and a multi-colored stack of daisy-chained compensators about as long as the entire slide. Furthermore, instead of being a mag-fed semi-auto as one would expect, it is a single-shot break-action pistol. Chambered in .50 BMG.

STI Grand Master 2011 with C-More red-dot sight - .38 Super. Visually similar to the in-game pistol.
Heading out to the range for some IPSC practice, and taking a look at the fancy new racegun.
A closer view of the markings; note the Bohr-style atom model in place of the STI logo on the grips, the "Z-BORE" marking on the sight mount (an obvious spoof of "C-More"), and the rather interesting model designation of "2112".
Attempting to shove a magazine into the pistol's flared magwell is met with rather limited success, since said magwell isn't actually open...
...not to mention the fact that that isn't how any of this works at all.
Taking a closer look at all this nonsense only reveals more; aside from the fact that the serrated magazine release, extended beavertail, and slide racking handles are all now pointless (given its position, the slide stop lever is presumably used to break the pistol open), there's also the fact that the weapon's fancy flat-faced match trigger (which has the silhouette of a normal 1911 cut into it) pivots instead of sliding linearly.
Apprehensively holding up a .50 BMG tracer round, as if afraid that this will actually work.
The pistol accepts it without complaint.
Cocking the hammer; this has to be done manually with each shot; the IPSICK's manual of arms is much like the earlier-added Thompson Center Arms Contender.
Aiming through the permanently-affixed "YOLOgraphic" sight very quickly shows the user where it gets its name. For reference, the dot in the center of the second "O" is the actual aiming point.
Firing the pistol produces less recoil than one might expect, thanks in part to the massive dry-erase-marker-sword of compensators on the end; a side effect of this is that the muzzle flash completely obscures the user's view of more or less everything.
Dumping out a spent case. Was this shot taken on a whim? Or was it meticulously tried and retried, time and time again, until a perfect frame was captured? You'll never know. Unless you check the page's edit summary, that is.

IWI Uzi Pro

Update #53 added an IWI Uzi Pro Pistol. True to its real-life nature, it is treated in-game as a semi-auto-only closed-bolt pistol, rather the machine pistol that it is sometimes assumed to be.

IWI Uzi Pro Pistol - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the Uzi Pro, in all of its tacti-cool glory.
The other side, which shows off the side-mounted charging handle, a distinct departure from earlier Uzi variants.
Loading in a magazine, in a rather dramatic fashion.
Pulling the charging handle. Y'know, it feels like something's missing...
...ah, yes, of course! What was missing was a red-dot sight, a railed vertical foregrip with a flashlight attached to the side, a stock from a PP-2000, and an incredibly small suppressor! How could I have not seen it!
Aiming through the attached RDS...
...and being once again reminded that this weapon, despite appearances, can't fire in full-auto.

Kel-Tec PMR-30

The tenth gift added in the 2018 Meatmas update was the seldom-seen Kel-Tec PMR-30.

Kel-Tec PMR-30 - .22 WMR
The PMR-30's gift box. A bit of a shame, really, that such an interesting pistol has only had 3 known media appearances in 8 years.
Inserting a magazine. This is the main focal point of the pistol; despite being a more-or-less normal-sized handgun, the PMR-30 holds an impressive 30 rounds of .22 Magnum in a flush-fitting magazine (hence the name - Pistol, Magnum, Rimfire, 30-round magazine).
Pausing for a moment to admire the pistol, in all its polymer-festooned glory.
Racking the slide...
...before taking a look at the other side. Pretty much the same as the left.
Toying with the ambidextrous safety. Somewhat unusually for H3, the PMR-30 comes out of its box with the safety off.
A close-up of the top of the slide, showing off the high-contrast fiber-optic sights, as well as the prominent ".22 WMR" marking towards the slide's rear. Note the screwed-in section; this is meant for attaching red-dot sights, though this feature is sadly unavailable in-game due to coding limitations.
Lining up the aforementioned fiber-optic sights...
...and shattering a crystal snowflake.
"Bastard! How many rounds have you sprayed indiscriminately into the forest!?"
"Do you remember how many meats you have eaten in your life?"

Kimber Warrior

Update #50 added a Kimber Warrior, fitted with non-standard grip panels, raised red illuminated iron sights, and a permanently-attached red dot sight, known as the "M1911A1 Tactical". The sixth alpha build of Update #52 added a further customized model, with a slide with milling cuts, a different slide-mounted RDS, and bone grips, called the "M1911A1 Operator".

Kimber Warrior - .45 ACP
A nice, close look at the Kimber Warrior. Also seen here is the indoor range's target board; it leaves a black mark wherever a shot is placed on the corresponding target downrange, with the most recent hit being red.
A view through the Warrior's integrated RDS, which also shows off the co-witnessed illuminated sights. Meanwhile, RSOs around the world wince at the direction that the pistol is pointed.
The Warrior, locked open after a successful mag dump. The extended magazine seen here was added to the game with the weapon, holds 11 rounds, and can be freely interchanged with the standard 7-rounders.
Loading a new magazine into the Warrior.

"M1911A1 Operator"

Examining the left side of the "Operator"...
...and the right side. Due to a now-patched bug, the trigger is inside of the magazine well, similar to the Colt Defender above. The slide markings denote the pistol (or at least the slide) as being made by the fictitious "SNOW TIGER FIREARMS INC".
Following the aforementioned patch, the pistol looks like this. The pistol's fictional manufacturers apparently saw fit to put their PO box number on the slide, and the end owner saw it equally appropriate to write "#03" on the red-dot sight. As you do.
Pulling the now-visible trigger, while showing off the other side's markings. The markings on the frame all but confirm the gun's identity; after all, Kimber is the only gun company based in Yonkers, NY.
Aiming the Operator. Like the earlier Tactical model, the Operator has an integrated red-dot sight, albeit a different, higher-profile model than the earlier pistol.
Firing a round. As with all the other M1911 variants, it's chambered in .45 ACP.
Replacing the now-empty magazine with a fresh one.
Finishing off the reload with a quick tug of the slide. Note that the slide is further back here than it was in the previous shot; H3 does, in fact, show that a weapon's bolt or slide can be pulled back past its lock point.

Kolibri Pistol

The largest gift added in the 2018 Month Of Meatmas event was also the smallest (centerfire) pistol in existence, the diminutive Austro-Hungarian Kolibri Pistol. The pistol was added following a long series of community requests to add the pistol (dating back all the way to 2016); the acknowledged impossibility of adding the pistol (as its minuscule size would result in the player smacking their VR controllers together whenever they tried to, say, load it) led to asking for its inclusion becoming a running joke within the game's community. The version in-game took this joke to its logical conclusion; it is known as the "Kolibri9001", and is 10 times larger than normal, firing 27x90mm shells. Like the "Oversized" version of the M1911A1 added earlier, these proprietary shells are available in several exotic and unusual forms; also like the earlier artillery piece, the Kolibri9001 is modified for use by a normal-sized human being, being fitted with an M1911A1's lower frame and trigger in place of its own, and an underbarrel railed handguard seemingly based on that of an AR-15-pattern rifle, which has an integrated laser sight tucked into the center.

Kolibri Pistol (with US penny for scale) - 2.7x9mm Kolibri
"And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but the world's smallest pistol, the size of a deer."
Examining the Kolibri9001. A lovely example of malicious compliance. The hard-to-make-out marking just above the ejection port reads "AUTOMAT-PISTOL", just like on the real steel. There'd be no reason for the markings to be obfuscated, after all; the Austro-Hungarian watchmaker Franz Pfannl, who created the pistol, no longer exists, and neither does his company.
The other side. Considering the grip arrangement, this could technically be classified as a bullpup.
And, considering the rounds it uses, it's also technically a cannon.
Speaking of rounds, it's about time that some got loaded, isn't it?
This is followed by quite possibly the single most awkward sling-shotting of a pistol's slide in human history.
Giving the integrated underbarrel laser sight a try. It's pretty convenient, especially since the Kolibri doesn't have a front sight (and the rear one isn't exactly usable).
Firing off some Frag shells at a snowflake. Poor thing never knew what hit it...
Unlike a normal-sized Kolibri (if you can really call a Kolibri's size "normal"), the Kolibri9001 has a slide hold-open device. This conveniently allows the user to clearly see what sort of ammo is being used; here, the first of 6 HEAT shells lies in wait.
HEAT shells, contrary to what one might expect based on the name, are not incendiary; "HEAT" stands for "High-Explosive Anti-Tank", and refers to armor-piercing shells meant for use against, well, tanks.
Should one wish to bring some actual heat, the napalm-launching "Inferno" rounds are always a good option...
...provided, that is, that your computer can withstand the resultant onslaught of particle effects without winding up looking like them.
Another fun option are the "Megabuck" shells, which function like buckshot...
...except instead of small lead pellets, they launch six .50 BMG tracer projectiles. Use against an actual buck is not advised, unless you like your venison in burger form.
Remember those shells from earlier? Here's the "Smokescreen", which launches out 2 projectiles per shot...
...each one, as the name would imply, generating a cloud of smoke. Useful for hiding small towns.
The "Tri-Flash" shells also do pretty exactly what they say on the can, firing out 3 impact-fused flashbangs at a time. The effects are roughly similar to picking up your phone in the middle of the night to check a text and forgetting that you have the brightness all the way up. While the demon that lives under your bed randomly sets off a bunch of M-80s in your pillowcase.


A companion to the "Gluger" above, the "Llock" is also a rare drop in Take & Hold and Meat Grinder; as the name implies, it is the inverse of the Gluger, with a Glock 19 slide and barrel on a Luger P08 frame.

Glock 19 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Luger P08 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The Yin to the Gluger's Yang... or maybe a better comparison is the Frankenstein to the Gluger's Frankenstein's Bride.
From above, you can see that the Glock slide isn't flush with the Luger frame's rear. One of the accommodations needed to make this masterpiece of a weapon possible is positioning the slide where it can chamber and extract rounds in the correct place.
From below, you can see that the barrel is completely exposed as the slide only covers the top portion.
Loading an eight round Luger magazine.
Chambering the first round. You can see the slide's grip serrations are completely blocked by the luger frame; how one is supposed to grip the slide IRL is anyone's guess.
Aiming down the Llock's far more useable sights, compared to the Gluger.
Firing the Llock. No toggles obstructing the sight picture, so that's one in favor for the Llock.
The now empty Llock. From this angle, you can see just how much of the frame overlaps with the slide.
Like the Luger, the Llock is able to use a 32-round snaildrum.
And like the Gluger, it looks absolutely cursed when fully modded out.

Luger P08

The Luger P08 is another handgun option in-game, added through Update #47.

Luger P08 - 9x19mm Parabellum
A pre-release render of the Luger, complete with magazine. This image was also used to tease several other weapons to come, including an MP40, a Sturmgewehr 44, and a Karabiner 98k.
The P08 steps up to the plate, determined to make a better score on the target than the M1911A1.
Loading a magazine into the Luger; the windowed magazines do, in fact, show the rounds inside of them, both in amount and in type.
Chambering a fresh 9x19mm round. Another nice touch, the barrel and upper frame move slightly backwards as the toggle is pulled, correctly showing the weapon's short-recoil operation.
The icing on this subtle-detail cake, however, is the Luger's external extractor, which pops up when a round is present in the chamber.
Aiming; the sights are typical of pistols of the era- that is to say, small.
Unbothered by this, the invisible pair of hands holding the P08 open fire.

Luger LP08 "Artillery"

Update #52 added 3 Luger variants, the first of which being the Luger LP08 "Artillery", also known as the "Artillery Luger".

Luger LP08 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the LP08. The stock is interchangeable with the Carbine's; interestingly, these stocks were also made compatible with the game's other handguns, which led to some suitably silly-looking configurations.
Loading in a 32-round Trommelmagazin 08, also known as the "Snail Drum".
Cocking the LP08.
Taking aim at the target...
...and firing.

Makarov PM

The fourth alpha build of Update #76 added another much-requested firearm, the Makarov PM. By default it (correctly) uses an 8-round single-stack magazine, though Update #90 added an optional 80-round drum.

Makarov PM - 9x18mm Makarov
Inspecting the Makarov PM in the indoor range. The markings on the slide and directly behind the slide release both read "1TД", while the frame marking behind the safety indicates that it was manufactured in 1966.
The right side; here, the lovely contrast between the deep-red Bakelite grips and the dark-blued steel makes itself apparent.
Loading in an 8-round magazine. These have a large hole in the side to view the current remaining ammunition, a feature which H3 correctly depicts.
Racking the slide. One of the suspected reasons for the Makarov's continued popularity as a police sidearm in the former Eastern Bloc is the gap between the barrel and the bottom of the frame when the slide is pulled back, as this gap allows the pistol to serve as a makeshift bottle opener.
Taking aim at a target. For what is definitely the first time. Yep, absolutely. Those three holes up at the top are of no concern to you, citizen. Move along.
See? As an officer of the law, I obviously know exactly how to line up the sights of my own service sidearm.
Five Eight shots later, our friendly, honest, definitely truth-telling policeman friend drops his pistol's magazine, and then goes to do some heavy drinking important government business with the locked-back slide.
Walking through the Meat Fortress stage with a suitably cartoonish-looking sidearm: a Makarov, with 10 times the normal capacity.
Finding a non-red spy, and dealing with him accordingly.
"You are accused of anti-Soviet behavior. The court finds you guilty and sentences you to be shot."

"...with something else. You can at least die with some dignity."

Makarov PMM

Update #100 Alpha 3 added the Makarov PMM with a twelve round magazine. This model comes with an integrated laser sight attached to the trigger guard.

Makarov PMM - 9x18mm Makarov
Preparing for a quick mission in a suitably snowy area, an operative checks over his Makarov.
The PMM's other side, showing off the pressure switch for the integrated laser sight.
And the safety, which he promptly disengages. Perhaps a bit too promptly, but don't tell him that.
Loading in a magazine; one of the notable features of the PMM is its use of double-stack magazines, as opposed to the original PM's thinner single-stacks.
Racking the slide, and chambering a round.
Out in the AO, he checks the sights; they're a bit small, but relatively easy to read against the highly-contrasting snow.
Getting right to business, he tries to take out the target from a distance, hoping to make it in and out as easily as the briefing implied.
Needless to say, the guards of said target weren't on board with that idea.
12 rounds into the ensuing gunfight, the pistol's magazine runs empty; sadly, the same can't be said for the area's supply of guards.
Faced with one such guard, the operative drops the empty magazine with one hand (no small feat for a pistol with a heel magazine release), while dealing with some... unpleasant business with the other.
Performing a quick in-holster reload, dropping the slide, and concluding said business.
Several unforeseen complications later, the operative performs a quick tactical reload; one of the features added in Update #100 was the ability to hold two magazines (of reasonable size) at once, allowing for easier magazine retention during reloads.
Opting for stealth a bit late, the operative screws on a suppressor; it blocks the pistol's irons, but the integrated laser helps make up for it.

Mauser C96

Update #43 introduced the Mauser C96 to the game. The weapon holds 10 rounds of the 7.63x25mm Mauser cartridge (which, like some in the game, was added before there were any weapons that could use them), and can be reloaded round-by-round or with a 10-round stripper clip.

Mauser C96 "Broomhandle" (pre-war commercial version) - 7.63x25mm Mauser
Nothing quite like sitting back, relaxing, and admiring a beautiful early selfloading handgun.
Taking a close look at the inside of the magazine...
...before loading it with a stripper clip. 10 rounds of 7.63x25mm Mauser, straight into the magazine.
Seeing a charging paper target, "Wurston Churchill" opens fire. Despite there being a cutout for a shoulder stock in the grip's backstrap, no such attachment was available in-game until the release of Update #52.
10 rounds later, he surveys the damage. Note the rear sight, adjustable for distances far in excess of the weapon's effective range.
And, countless updates later, you can actually adjust them to said ranges! From 50 to 500 meters, in increments of 50 - ridiculous, but more plausible than the early-production variants, which went out to a kilometer.
Taking aim at a steel plate 200 meters out, with the sights set to the corresponding range.
200 meters is certainly pushing it, but it's not impossible by any means - with a steady hand and a bit of practice, you can ring plates that far away with relative ease.
Of course, attaching the stock also helps - that extra point of contact keeps the gun steadier (i.e. adds extra hand movement filtering), to say nothing of the benefits of having the sights closer to your face.

Don't ask about the angle. I don't know either.

Mauser M712 Schnellfeuer

In a similar vein to its 3 extra Luger variants, Update #52 brought along 3 variants of the Mauser C96, the first being a Mauser M712 Schnellfeuer machine pistol.

Mauser M712 Schnellfeuer - 7.63x25mm Mauser
The M712 has quite the imposing appearance. One might even call it a Big Mama among handguns.
Loading a 40-round magazine into the Schnellfeuer - given the weapon's high fire rate (the German word "schnellfeuer" literally means "rapid fire"), you're gonna want all the rounds you can get.
Chambering the first of those 40 rounds with a swift tug of the bolt.
Letting all 40 rounds fly. Considering its sheer uncontrollability without a stock, there isn't really much point to aiming it.
So, if aimed fire's what you're aiming for, you should probably attach one. This particular one is from a Beretta 93R - hardly an OEM part, but you've gotta admit, it looks pretty cool.
Like the C96 upon which it was based, the M712 would later receive an adjustable rear sight - anywhere from 50 to 500 meters, in increments of 50.
The fact that the fire selector (and safety) were later made usable only makes precision shooting all that much more appealing an option.
Taking aim at a plate 100 or so meters away - the notch-and-post sight picture is identical to the standard C96's, complete with the German-style barleycorn front post that somebody apparently thought was a good idea.
Or, you can just do some Chinese-style "bandit shooting", because you have no sense of self-control.
To help yourself learn restraint, you can always stick to one magazine and load it exclusively with stripper clips; this gets tedious enough to encourage ammo conservation even without an actual limit to one's supply, especially when that one magazine is a 40-rounder.

Mk 22 Mod 0 "Hush Puppy"

The Mk 22 Mod 0 "Hush Puppy", a long-requested variation of the Smith & Wesson 39 used by US special forces during the Cold War, was added in Update #82; the update itself was themed around noise, with its other additions including a pair of improvised suppressors (one made of a soda bottle, and another made from an oil filter), and several decidedly less subtle attachments (including a gramophone-esque "loudener" attachment, a bicycle horn and bell, and a foregrip made out of an airhorn).

Mk 22 Mod 0 "Hush Puppy" with suppressor, stock, and holster - 9x19mm Parabellum
Taking a look at the brand-new gift from EVAnton.
Loading the pistol. Note the width of the magazine; the in-game Mk 22 is based on a prototype variant that used double-stack magazines. This is why, in the preceding screencaps, there is a visible ridge in the frame just forward of the trigger.
Racking the slide to make sure a round is chambered. Luckily, H3 doesn't allow guns to jam.
Taking aim; these large, high-profile sights are primarily meant to clear suppressors, though they're also nice for general use.
Firing what is most assuredly not a tranquilizer round into the paper target.
Of course, there's not much point to using a Hush Puppy if you don't attach the husher.
It hushes the gun pretty nicely all things considered. However, if you're looking to be even sneakier...
...then just try to release the slide. The Mk 22 has no slide release, with the lever being replaced by this odd-looking device.
Said device is a locking lever, which prevents the slide from opening, thus eliminating the noise that would otherwise be created by the slide reciprocating (and that of casings hitting the floor).
The downside, of course, it that you have to disengage the lever and rack the slide manually after every shot, which can get a little bit tiresome.
Oh, and there's a stock for it, too. Just in case you were wondering.

Moses Brothers Self-Defense Engine Frontier Model B

Unlocked as a reward, the "Frontier Model B" is a precise replica of Captain Malcom's gun from Serenity and Firefly. While the original prop was actually a Taurus Model 85 in a multi-part casing meant to make it look like a semi-automatic, magazine-fed handgun, in-game it is just that - a magazine-fed, semi-automatic handgun that holds 6 rounds (plus one in the chamber) of the proprietary .36 Moses cartridge.

The prop of Mal's handgun, as seen in Firefly.
Let's see... a decanter without any contents, a calculator without any buttons, John Lennon's glasses without any temples, a revolver cosplaying as a semi-auto, and a Big Red Button. This is gonna be... interesting.
Examining the penultimate item on the list.
Loading in a magazine. 2 things are worth noting here: the design of the cartridge, and the design of the magazine. The latter doesn't work like a traditional magazine; instead of being stacked on top of one another, the rounds are stacked end-to-end, only one layer deep. The former seems to consist solely of a fully-jacketed pistol-caliber bullet, with no visible casing (accordingly, no casings are ejected when the weapon fires); this would seemingly it to be a caseless round, rather like the "Rocket Balls" of the Volcanic Repeater, upon which the original prop was inspired. This does not, however, account for the pistol's immense damage per shot, as the Volcanic's ammunition was notoriously weak; the pistol is implied to use some sort of electromagnetic acceleration system (presumably either a coilgun- or railgun-type system), so any actual propellant in the cartridges is most likely just to start the projectile moving.
Pulling back the pistol's top plate, which serves to both retract the bolt and cock the hammer.
Pausing for a moment to appreciate the pistol. Something about brass on a gun just... works.
The pistol's (rather wide) iron sights, as seen a bit closer to the eye than is strictly advisable. To be fair, the brass front blade blends in with the drab color scheme of Wurstworld rather too well for most eyes' liking.
Reducing a cactus to a shower of spines and sparks, following it making a largely incoherent threat to eat the entire crew alive. Gorram savages...
The threat defeated, a few shots into the air are merited. Note both the reciprocation of the top-plate, and the blue muzzle flash, similar to that of the "Cyber Pistol" above.
Dumping out an empty magazine, and getting back to the job at hand.


One of the firearms added in the "Meat Fortress" update (an officially-licensed crossover with Team Fortress 2), the "Pistol" is a duplicate of the one from TF2, being a mix of Walther PPK (ejection port, grip panels, lower gripframe) and Makarov PM (slide, trigger, upper frame) with a Smith & Wesson Model 61 Escort-esque rounded trigger guard. Of note is that the original model was largely static (with only the magazine being an actual moving part), forcing gamedev Anton Hand to rework the model for use with H3's firearm systems. Of note is that the "Pistol", along with all the other Meat Fortress weapons, are not classified based on their actual weapon type; instead, they occupy a special "Meat Fort" class in the in-game item spawner.

Makarov PM - 9x18mm Makarov
Walther PPK - .380 ACP
Smith & Wesson Model 61 Escort - .22 LR
Throw 'em all together with a healthy dose of cartoonishness, and you get this puppy.
A close-up of the inside of the pistol, showing the work done in its remodeling - the inside of the slide, the magazine well, the feed ramp, the rear end of the barrel, the front end of the barrel, and all of the slide and frame surfaces that's expose when the slide comes back had to be modeled at H3's end.
Also added were appropriate functions for the hammer, seen here cocked; the pistol operates in single-action in-game, unlike TF2's seeming DAO.
And, of course, what good is a hammer without a trigger to drop it? The one in-game recesses itself near-totally into the frame when pulled, as seen here.
Looking at a magazine; true to the source material, these hold 12 rounds. The pistol in this build uses .45 ACP; all of these TF2-derived weapons initially used standard calibers as placeholders, so as to avoid accidental leaking of project-related information before the crossover was announced.
Loading the Pistol with one of the aforeobserved magazines; note that the stamping in the top of the magazine is modeled in 3D, as opposed to the original game, wherein it was simply part of a flat texture.
Pointing the Pistol at a Sosig Heavy's head; as with many of these weapons, the sights aren't exactly... traditional.
Switching targets to a nearby Sosig Engineer, and dumping rounds into its "torso". Note that, due to its non-standard layout, the Pistol ejects to the left instead of the right.
Dumping an empty magazine out of the locked-empty pistol, and declaring solemnly that it really do be like that sometimes.
Performing a dual simultaneous reload with a brace of pistols, showing off 2 loaded magazines; in keeping with their Russian-sounding name, the Pistols' proprietary "11mm Mannchevskikovovichidev" rounds are steel-cased, with a dull copper-jacketed bullet and a red ring of death case sealant.
Interestingly, several of the TF2 weapons can equip suppressors, the Pistol among them; this is a "Large A" Maxim Silencer (the first commercially-available firearm suppressor), one of 6 variants thereof added in Update #76 - there are 3 sizes, each in "A" (standalone) and "B" (adaptor-fitted) variants.
Firing one of these produces an exaggerated, high-pitched "pew" sound, befitting of a game as cartoonish and exaggerated as TF2.
On the topic of suppressors, Update #83 added several community-designed ones meant to fit the TF2 arsenal; this is the Pistol's. The flared-out profile fits the cartoonish artstyle, while the finish matches the gun's frame to a T.


Added in Update #103, the Backfielder is a variant of the Meat Fortress pistol, featuring a non-removable stock and the ability to fire in three-round bursts. In addition, an extended eighteen-round magazine was added that's compatible with both firearms.

Admiring the Backfielder, in the most appropriate place possible - the Arizona range's backfield.
Assuming that you can really call any part of this place a "field".
Loading in a standard 12-round magazine, of the same type used by the basic Pistol.
Chambering a round of 11mm Manchevskikovovichidev; the slide is about a frame from going into battery here.
Aiming at one of the dueling tree's plates; the tall 3-post sights are decently clear and easy to read (especially compared to the basic version's), though the near-identical color of the plate makes them a bit harder to make out. Especially at a rather baffling arm's length - if you're using it properly, you shouldn't be seeing this much of the stock.
Firing a round regardless; the recoil wasn't bad to begin with, so the longer version is pretty mild.
Unsurprisingly, 12 rounds don't last long when you're having this much fun. So, out with the old...
...and in with the new (or newer, depending on when you're reading this article). Note that this isn't the slide's locked-back position; rather, this is its furthest rearward travel position, since this shot is right at the apex of a quick powerstroke - as with the standard version, this is the only way to send the slide back into battery, since it doesn't have a release lever.
Firing a burst into an unsuspecting bit of pottery; the awkwardly far-left position of the pistol is necessary to even get two of the spent cases on the screen at once. And don't even think about getting 3.
And no, before anyone asks, this doesn't work. It looks like it'll fit, but it won't go in no matter how hard you try, so don't bother - trying to force things into unwilling holes just because they look like they'll fit isn't a good way to go about life.

PL-14 Lebedev

Alpha 1 of Update #94 added the PL-14 Lebedev, accompanying the above GSh-18 as part of an effort to expand the game's once-meager selection of modern Russian handguns.

PL-14 Lebedev - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the PL-14 in a place that's snowy enough to be Siberia, but far too cheerful.
As for the pistol itself, it has a rather 20-minutes-into-the-future aesthetic to it, with sharp, angular lines and a nice low bore axis.
Loading in a magazine; these hold 15 rounds a pop, and seem to have two catches cut into them for whatever reason.
Racking the slide; note the ambidextrous safety lever. This is functional in-game, though it initially worked without actually moving or producing sound (leading to some rather awkward situations where the gun would fail to fire for no apparent reason).
Aiming at a wall; the sights are today's standard 3-dot arrangement.
Firing off a few rounds at the wall, questioning why the gods have seen fit to trap us in this prison they call a snowglobe.
With the mag having outlived its contents, it takes a trip down to the floor. 15 rounds just doesn't seem to last as long as it used to...

Remington 1866 Derringer

The second derringer added with the release of Update #85 was an ornately-decorated Remington 1866 Derringer, going by its alternate name of "Model 95" in-game. Holding just two manually-indexed rounds of the rather anemic .41 Short cartridge (with poor accuracy to boot), the Remington holds the somewhat dubious honor of being quite possibly the least useful firearm in the game - while the the earlier-added Volcanic Repeater does slightly less damage per shot, it has fourfold the capacity and enough accuracy to put all eight of those rounds into one side of a barn, a claim the Model 95 can't make in complete honesty.

Remington 1866 Derringer with engravings and pearl grips - .41 RF
We weren't kidding when we said "ornately decorated" - the gold-inlaid engravings are intricate, detailed, and overall quite nice-looking.
Even if you have to hold the gun pretty close to your face to really see them.
Opening up the derringer; holding it like this is generally recommended, unless you enjoy loading rounds in blindly and pointing both muzzles at your own face.
Loading in a couple of .41 Shorts.
Cocking the hammer, an easy step to forget when you're busy swearing about how bad your luck with the Take & Hold weapon pool is.
Aiming the pistol at a watermelon, and...
...yeah, we weren't kidding about the whole "poor accuracy" bit either.
Engaging the target from a derringer-suitable range (read: within loogie-hocking distance) produces more satisfactory results.
Dumping out the two spent cases; with the round fired only being a .41 Short, the watermelon made a full recovery in record time.

Remington Rolling Block

The Remington Rolling Block pistol is one of the available firearms in-game, added through Update #32; with the release of two additional Rolling Blocks (both rifles) in Update #91, the pistol got a slight rework in the form of a slight change to its controls (going from swipes to clicks on the user's touchpad/joystick to cock the hammer and open/close the action) and a rescaling of its model.

Remington Rolling Block Cavalry - .50
A pair of Rolling Block pistols on a table.
Taking a good look at the pistol.
The other side. The lighting at this angle gives a good view of the somewhat worn appearance, which is to be expected of a >150-year-old handgun.
Loading the Rolling Block is a rather involved process; it starts with cocking the hammer...
...opening the breech...
...loading in a (proprietary) .50 caliber black-powder cartridge...
...and finally closing the breech.
Aiming the Rolling Block...
...and firing it, producing an impressive cloud of smoke in the process. Such is expected of black-powder firearms.
Ejecting a spent case from the pistol.
The newly-rescaled Rolling Block, in a distinctly less serious-looking setting.
Loading a round into the pistol, which should hopefully give you some idea of how its size has changed. Or maybe it doesn't, in which case you'll just have to take our word for it.

Ruby Pistol

The Ruby Pistol was added in Alpha 3 of Update #94. It is the semi-auto equivalent of the earlier-added UNION machine pistol, though the two do not have cross-compatible magazines. The Ruby was mistakenly placed in the Machine Pistols category; this was fixed shortly after.

Ruby Pistol - .32 ACP
The Ruby Pistol; apparently this pistol had already been fully coded for a year, but was forgotten about until now. Better late than never, I guess.
Reverse side of the Ruby.
Inserting the eight round magazine into the pistol.
After a year of waiting, the little pistol is finally ready to take out its pent up frustrations on the nearest target.
That target being, a big orange fuel canister. Fortunately its not too far away, as the Ruby's tiny sights make distance shooting a challenge.
Take that, conveniently positioned and dangerously explosive metallic cylinder!
After emptying the entire magazine into the canister, it finally starts to catch fire. The little .32 ACP pistol walks away, defeated.
Seeking consultation with its big brother, the Ruby realizes that despite being based on the same design, it cannot use its bigger brother's 35-round magazine. Though to be fair, the Ruby itself was made by 50 different manufacturers, and oftentimes they weren't interchangeable with each other either.
Seeking comfort elsewhere, the Ruby discovers another new addition to the game, the Chuwungus suppressor (yes its actually called the Chuwungus, stop laughing.)
Even after shrinking down to fit the Ruby's barrel, the Chuwungus is still bigger than the Ruby.
Fortunately, the top of the Chuwungus is just low enough for the Ruby's sights to be (barely) useable.

Ruger Mk III

The Ruger Mk III is one of the available firearms in-game; it was added in Update #5, and was, until the release of Update #56, the only weapon in the game chambered in .22 Long Rifle. Notably, its magazine safety (a system that prevents the pistol from firing if no magazine is inserted) is correctly simulated in-game.

Stainless Ruger Mk III w/ standard-weight barrel - .22 LR
Admiring the lovelily lithe little Ruger.
The target pistol's other side, with the change in lighting providing a good look at the well-polished finish.
Loading in a magazine...
...and pulling back the bolt to chamber a round.
The pistol's sights; a simple rear notch and front post, both black. Not the easiest to make out, but not too difficult either.
Enjoying a bit of casual plinking with the MkIII.
Ejecting an empty magazine, and breathing in that sweet, sweet smell of burnt gunpowder.

Ruger Mk IV

Update #59's ninth alpha build added the Ruger Mk IV, an improved version of the Mk III with a simplified disassembly procedure. 2 versions were added: a stainless Hunter model with high-contrast illuminated sights, and a Standard model with a custom integrated suppressor, known as the "Whisper" variant. As with the earlier Mk III, the Mk IVs both have simulated magazine safeties.

Ruger Mk IV Hunter - .22 LR
Examining the Hunter. A beautiful thing, it is.
The pistol's other side. Interestingly, the pistol's grip panels have nearly unaltered Ruger logo medallions embedded in them; the only change is the replacement of the "R" with a "B", which, judging by the markings on the side of the upper receiver, presumably stands for "Bugert".
Taking a look at the Hunter's red-and-yellow illuminated sights.


Ruger Mk IV Standard - .22 LR
The Mk IV "Whisper", in all its subtle glory.
Loading in a standard 10-round magazine.
Flipping the pistol over...
...and pulling back the bolt.
Pointing the pistol at a target; lacking a front sight, the Whisper doesn't really necessitate proper aiming.
Firing the Mk IV. As the name implies, the weapon is whisper-quiet.
Setting down the now-empty Whisper.

Seburo Compact-eXploder

Update #57 added one firearm, the Compact-eXploder machine pistol, made by Japanese science fiction mangaka Masamune Shirow's fictional arms company Seburo. In-game, the weapon is referred to as the "SCX" (i.e. Seburo Compact-eXploder), and fires the 4.6x30mm HK round (its caliber never being specified in the original source material).

Airsoft replica of the Seburo Compact-eXploder pistol seen in the manga Appleseed. This is a conversion kit for the Maruzen PPK/S airsoft gun made by Dai-Nihon Giken Poseidon.
Examining the SCX. A rather well-done model for a gun that doesn't actually exist.
The right side of the pistol, which looks more or less the same as the left.
Taking a look at one of the Seburo's distinctive curved magazines, which shows off the white-tipped (armor-piercing incendiary tracer) 4.6mm rounds within. These magazines hold 15 rounds, presumably due to them being single-stack.
Loading in the aforementioned magazine.
Lining up the Compact-eXploder's high-set sights...
...and sending out a 15-round burst.

SIG-Sauer P226R

The first alpha build of Update #90 was one that'd been requested for quite some time: a SIG-Sauer P226R, known in-game as the "P226 Mk 25" (the US Navy-issued version), with 15- and 20-round magazines available.

SIG-Sauer P226R - 9x19mm Parabellum
At long last, our Swiss-German friend is here.
Oh, and the grips aren't actually pink. That's just the lighting.
Loading in a standard magazine.
Racking the slide, and trying to ignore the pinkness.
Aiming at a Weinerbot; as mentioned with the Bergmann No. 5, these are still present in some scenes, the Mini Arena among them.
Putting a nine-millimeter round into its head... precious little effect, as the empty magazine and locked-open slide here make apparent. Note the blue circle on the ejected mag; this indicates that a given object is elligible for targeting with the Half-Life: Alyx-esque "Grabbity Gloves" added in Update #89. Upon being selected, it turns orange.
Realizing a need for more firepower, and loading in a 20-round extendo.
Dropping another Weinerbot with the P226, thanking the mysterious Circle of Illumination for making it clear where the doorway ends.
This circle is, of course, the product of an underbarrel flashlight. And a needlessly dramatic mag pitch.

SIG-Sauer P250 Compact

The compact version of the SIG-Sauer P250 is one of the available firearms in-game. It has a two-tone finish, is chambered in .45 ACP, and was added in Update #5.

Early Model SIG-Sauer P250 Compact with two-tone finish - 9x19mm Parabellum
Admiring the P250, amidst a selection of other handguns.
Loading in a standard 9-round magazine.
Chambering the first of the aforementioned 9 rounds.
Taking aim at a target...
...and firing.
A P250 fitted with a laser and a red-dot sight. The latter is no longer possible; it was found that detachable slide-mounted red-dot sights had serious zeroing problems, so the feature was removed, leaving the player's only options for RDSed handguns either the use of a wrap-around rail mount or one of the pistols with a fixed red-dot sight.

SilencerCo Maxim 9

The final build of Update #97 added a SilencerCo Maxim 9, dubbed the "Max9" in-game.

SilencerCo Maxim 9 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Taking a trip out to the reworked Friendly45 range (whose rebuild was one of the other things added in Update #97), and admiring the view.
And the Maxim 9, of course.
Loading a magazine into the pistol - while this mag is a unique model, it's interchangeable with standard Glock 17 mags.
Racking the slide, and showing off its unique layout in the process.
Aiming the Maxim 9 - the sights are a white 3-dot setup, typical of modern handguns.
Ringing some plates. While the Welrod and De Lisle have it beat in overall quietness, the Maxim 9 is still the quietest autoloader in the game.
17 soft shots (and loud dings) later, the Maxim 9 locks open.
Dumping out the old magazine, in suitably dramatic fashion.
Also of note is the Maxim 9's barrel-mounted RMR plate; this acts as a rail in-game, and disappears when an attachment (like this Aimpoint ACRO red-dot sight) is mounted on it. The end result can look absolutely seamless if done correctly.
Alternatively, you can just go for broke with attachments - a laser sight, a Fortis SHIFT foregrip, a FAB Defense GLR-440 stock, and a KCI 50-round drum magazine, in this case. As a note of trivia, this would be (in the US, at any rate) a two-tax-stamp build if you attached the stock first (one for the suppressor, and one for the stock making it legally a "short-barreled rifle"), or a three-stamp build if you put the foregrip on first (one for the suppressor, one for the foregrip making it legally an "Any Other Weapon", and one for the stock converting that into an SBR).

Stechkin APS

Alpha #6 of Update #100 added the oft-requested Stechkin APS, along with some special attachments for it.

Stechkin APS - 9x18mm Makarov
Taking a classic Russian machine pistol out to the Proving Grounds, to... prove its value, I suppose?
I mean, it's a pretty proven design as-is, but this one looks pristine enough to be unproven on its own, so it's a decent enough excuse.
Loading in a magazine; despite what its impressive size would suggest, the Stechkin doesn't fire a terribly powerful cartridge - instead of a few large rounds, it packs a whopping 20 9x18mm Makarov cartridges into each flush-fitting magazine.
Accordingly, there's nothing holding the slide closed - it's plain-old straight blowback, just like its smaller cousin.
Aiming the APS; the sights are decently tall, with a U-notch rear sight and a somewhat narrow front blade typical of the era.
Popping off a round. Being a fairly large gun chambered in a fairly low-powered cartridge, recoil is fairly mild.
But, of course, that's not what you chose the Stechkin for, is it? You wanted to use the other selector position.
Doing so rather quickly leads to this - an open slide, and an open magazine.
Stechkin APS with stock - 9x18mm Makarov
To make this unshown full-auto a bit more practical, the Stechkin can accept a stock - you can choose between the classic wooden variety, or a more modern-looking black polymer option.
Stechkin APB - 9x18mm Makarov
Alternatively, you can stick the also concurrently-added wire stock and suppressor, allowing it to pass for a Stechkin APB (minus that version's threaded barrel).
And if you're looking to reduce the pistol's practicality instead of increasing it, you can do... this. (Hey, you didn't seriously think we were gonna deprive you of a good full-auto screenshot, did you?)

Steyr M1912

Added in the third alpha of Update #85, the Steyr M1912 expands H3's roster of clip-fed pistols, and is one of only two firearms in the game chambered in 9x23mm Steyr (the other one of which, added concurrently, is below).

Steyr M1912 - 9x23mm Steyr
Admiring the M1912 while enjoying the scenic views of - wait a minute, this isn't Albania
"Oh, we were supposed to turn LEFT at Podgorica."
Disengaging the Steyr's safety; this is rather important, as the safety prevents the slide from moving...
...which is necessary to load the thing.
Loading is accomplished via an 8-round stripper clip; loose rounds can also be used, but there's not much of a practical advantage to doing so.
Aiming at a glass bottle; the front sight is rather thin, making the sights easy to use with light backgrounds, and nearly impossible to use on dark ones.
Emphasis on "nearly"; while the pistol itself obscures it here, this was, in fact, a direct hit. Yep, absolutely square-on. No reason to doubt me on this one, just take my word for it.

Steyr M1912/P.16

The M1912/P.16, the select-fire variant of the above Steyr M1912, was added concurrently with the former in Update #85's third alpha build. It is permanently fitted with a stock (as, unlike most pistol stocks, the M1912's wraps around the entire grip, making even the game's version of interchangeability unfeasible), and features the appropriate 16-round extended fixed magazine.

Steyr M1912 P.16 with stock - 9x23mm Steyr
Taking a look at the M1912/P.16, right at the start of a "Battle Petite" match in the Meatmas Cappocolloseum.
Stripping some rounds off of the first of two stripper clips. Or maybe the second. You have no real way of knowing.
Chambering what could just as easily be the first of eight rounds as it could be sixteen - again, you can't tell.
A minute or two of sausage-shooting later, and a quick peek at the right side of the pistol reveals this large switch on the frame.
Flipping it down results in...
"Yes, I know the rule of the Double Tap, but I think you crossed the line between "playing it safe" and "desecrating a corpse" about eleven rounds ago."
Doing a bit of post-battle bore inspection in a completely unsafe and inadvisable manner shows that the P.16 has a rather detailed interior, with rifling grooves in the barrel and a firing pin hole in the breech face (as does the normal M1912, though it's not suitably absurd to inspire this kind of poor decision-making). Exactly how light is entering the barrel at this angle is another matter entirely.

STI 2011 Staccato P

The Staccato P variant of STI's 2011 series of pistols was added in Update #101 on Meatmas day; it is referred to in-game as the "ST2111".

STI 2011 Staccato P - 9x19mm Parabellum
Admiring the 2011 underneath(ish) the Meatmas tree.
The smallest one of the year's gifts (well, the smallest firearm one, at any rate), but no less appreciated.
Disengaging the safety, which had been irresponsibly left on. Why, someone could've not gotten hurt!
Loading a 17-round magazine into the Staccato, appreciative of the fact that it actually has a magazine well.
The barrel does indeed tilt, though only slightly upwards like a 1911 variant should. No break-action silliness here.
Aiming at a crystal snowflake; the Staccato's rather blocky sights make said snowflake a bit hard to see.
But hey, "hard to see" doesn't necessarily mean "hard to hit". Even if this isn't the actual shot that landed, since it takes a few frames' worth of time for a 9x19mm round to reach a target at this distance; this shot is instead directed at a snowflake that the previous one already destroyed.
Large as its magazine may be (compared to other 1911 variants, at least), it is still finite.
Luckily, your supply of them isn't, so feel free to do whatever you wish with them once they're dry.

Thompson Center Arms Contender

The 12th alpha build of Update #52 added a Thompson Center Arms Contender pistol chambered in .45-70 Government, with a curious combination of a wooden forearm and a synthetic grip. Interestingly, it uses the same code-base as the earlier-added Orion Flare Gun, due to the near-identical manual of arms.

Thompson Center Arms Contender - .45-70 Government
When faced with the threat of a giant evil hotdog trying to monetize Christmas, always keep your handcannon handy.
Opening up the breech.
Loading in a jacketed hollow-point .45-70 round. Several other types were added as well, including soft-points, wadcutters, and solid-brass Lehigh Defense Xtreme Penetrator rounds.
Cocking the hammer.
Aiming; the Contender in-game is meant to be used with optics, and as such doesn't actually have any iron sights.
This doesn't actually prevent you from hitting your target, however, as the headless fellow in the bottom-left of the shot can attest to.

Tokarev TT-33

The Tokarev TT-33 is one of the available firearms in-game. It was the first "real" handgun added (barring the fictitious "Cyber Pistol"), and predates H3's release altogether; it was one of the few weapons included in the very first early access build of the game. Update #77's 1st alpha build replaced the earlier re-finished model with a newer, older-looking one.

Tokarev TT-33 - 7.62x25mm Tokarev
Launching right into things, by lining up a TT-33 over a magazine...
...and slamming it down onto the table.
Giving the slide a good, solid yank.
Examining the TT-33; bright lights and refinished bluing do not mix well with human eyes.
Firing off a few shots at nothing in particular.
Performing a quick swap-out of the magazine, which shows off the TT's oddly chunky aftermarket grips. It also shows that the reload was merited; the indicator holes on the side reveal that the magazine only contains 4 rounds.
Okay, now you're just being silly.
One may have noticed that the pistol in the previous shots remained uncocked at all times, despite the TT-33 being single-action-only. Those shots were from an earlier build of the game; Update #3 fixed the issue.
Which is, y'know.
The TT-33's iron sights.

...what? Were you expecting something that actually fits into the section and flows well? Nope. Too bad. This is all you get.
Tokarev TT-33 with wooden grips - 7.62x25mm Tokarev
The (slightly less) shiny new (yet older) Tokarev, courtesy of Update #77's 1st alpha.
Gone are the aftermarket synthetic grips and redone finish, with checkered wood and a duller original bluing job replacing them.
Like the old model, the new model's magazine has functional witness holes; the rounds look different, as the 7.62x25mm Tokarev round had been migrated to the standard multi-type ammo system of the game's other weapons by this point.
Chambering a round.
The TT-33's iron sights; much better integrated into the section this time, if not any easier to use on a gray target.
Firing off a round; the rather substantial powder charge of the 7.62x25mm round leads to an impressive muzzle flash, one which lingers a frame or two longer than usual, as seen here.
That shot plus ceмь later, and the pistol locks empty, meriting the ejection of the now-empty magazine.

Triple Action Thunder

The Triple Action Thunder was added on Day 4 of the Meatmas 2020 Advent Calendar event. It is the fourth pistol chambered in .50 BMG added to the game, and the first with a real-world counterpart.

Triple Action Thunder - .50 BMG
For copyright reasons, the gun's name is abbreviated to "TA Thunderer", despite the Thunder existing only as a prototype that failed to find a manufacturer.
It really is an achievement when the Thunder isn't the most unorthodox pistol to be added to your game.
In case it wasn't driven home how ridiculous this thing is, see how it compares in size to a 1911 pistol.
Loading the Thunder requires opening up the unique "scissor breech" in the rear.
This should also drive home how improbable the game's other .50 BMG pistols really are; the enormous bulk towards the rear of the pistol is taken up by the Thunder's massive nitrogen recoil dampener, which renders the recoil somewhat manageable.
Taking aim with the Thunder's built in notch sights against the Static Drone enemies in the new Meatmas scene.
Firing the Thunder predictably yields a lot of recoil. Yet despite the powerful round, the drone's armor is too strong.
Emptying the spent casing requires opening the breech block and dropping the casing out.
To meet this challenge, we're going to need some... assistance.
The drone's weak spot, these small red triangles, are tough to hit from a distance. But you'll want to be shooting from a distance... the drones explode on death. Or if you get too close. Either way, the Thunder is not to be underestimated.

Volcanic Repeater

The Volcanic Repeater is one of the firearms added in the Wurstworld update. It's based on an early Smith and Wesson produced Navy model, with iron frame over the later brass frame, and is chambered for .41 caliber "Rocket Ball" rounds, which are (correctly) rather anemic.

Volcanic Repeating Arms "Navy" Pistol - .41 Rocket Ball
While out in Wurstworld, you have to admire the detail in the Volcanic.
Opening the Volcanic's magazine tube. A notable error is that the follower tab (the small projection sticking off of the end of the tube) is always in the pushed-forward position, meaning that there is nothing actually pushing the rounds in the magazine towards the action.
Loading in some .41 caliber rounds...
...which, fortunately enough, do show up in the tube.
Chambering a round in the Volcanic.
Taking aim with the Volcanic's rather small sights.
Flip-cocking the Volcanic. This is one of two ways that the weapon can be used in-game; the other is holding it with two hands and working the action normally, which is much more practical, but much less cool-looking.

Walther P5 Compact

The Walther P5 Compact with wooden grips was added on Day 3 of the Meatmas 2020 Advent Calendar event.

Walther P5 Compact - 9x91mm
One thing you'll notice right away is that the ejection cutout on the slide is on the right side instead of the left. This is standard for all P5 models.
One the right side you can read the engraving "Made in Germany." This specific model was likely manufactured post-reunification, as originally they were made in West Germany.
Loading in an eight round magazine.
As mentioned before, because the gun ejects to the left, it takes some getting used to for right-handed shooters when checking to see if any rounds are chambered.
Taking aim at an Elf Junkbot.
One junkbot down, and you can see the empty casing fly off to the left.
With a now-empty P5, one can really appreciate the design of this little gun.

Walther P22

Update #58 added a two-toned Walther P22 pistol.

Walther P22 - .22 LR
Loading a 10-round magazine into the P22...
...before pausing to admire it. Unlike the reference image above, H3's P22 has a green frame.
Also unlike the reference image, the in-game P22 lacks the Walther banner logo stamp on the front of the slide, due to the typical copyright concerns.
Racking the Walther's slide.
Aiming through the sights; while holding a handgun so close to one's own face would normally be rather inadvisable, with the short slide travel and minimal recoil of a .22, it's really not that much of an issue.
Failing nearly all its classes, the empty magazine decides to just drop out and join a trade school.

Walther P38

The Walther P38 was added in the 11th alpha of Update #52.

Walther P38 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the P38. Note the Bakelite grips, which show this to be a wartime model.
Loading in a magazine. For some odd reason, the indicator holes in the magazine aren't actually holes, and as such don't show the magazine's contents.
Racking the slide.
Taking a look at the sights...
...before receiving a vision from 8 rounds in the future.

Walther P38K

Along with the full-size variant, the short-barreled Walther P38K was added in Update #52's 11th alpha.

Walther P38K - 9x19mm Parabellum
The two P38s resting side-by-side on a table.
"Hey, where'd the rest of it go?"
Taking a close look at the P38K's muzzle, in a rather inadvisable fashion.

Walther PPK

The Walther PPK was added to the game with the release of the 1st Meatmas update.

Walther PPK - .32 ACP
While debuting a few new guns, you have to pause for one of the most famous pocket pistols.
Loading a magazine into the PPK. Unlike a certain someone's PPK, this gun is chambered for 9x17mm, rather than 7.65x17mm, which gives it a 6-shot capacity.
Chambering a round.
Aiming the pistol. The sights are rather small, but that's the price you pay for having something concealable.
Firing a .380 round at the target.
Unfortunately, that grouping just won't cut it. You'll need to get a far better score on the test if you want to get your license to kill.

Webley & Scott Mk I

The 19th day of Meatmas 2018 brought along a Webley & Scott Mk I autoloading pistol.

Webley & Scott Mk I - .455 Webley Auto
What better gift to give than a century-old autoloading handgun? Especially one with as much collector's value as this. Must've cost them a fortune, whoever "they" might be.
Loading in the standard 7-round magazine. Certainly not lacking in the "indicator holes" department...
Pausing to admire the pistol. A well-made piece of kit, even if it does look a bit like someone built it out of a bunch of bits from other handguns with little regard as to what was supposed to go where.
Flipping the pistol over...
...and giving the slide a pull.
Aiming at a distant crystal snowflake; the irons are a bit small by today's standards, but a damn sight better than some of the Webley's contemporaries.
Firing off a shot; at full size, the semi-rim of the .455 Webley Auto cartridge's case can just be glimpsed.
Neither that shot nor the six that followed hit their mark; while .455 Webley Auto (proprietary, at least in-game) runs at substantially higher velocities than the .455 Webley revolver round upon which it was based, it's still not even scraping the sound barrier, making long-distance shooting at anything smaller than a tectonic plate a bit of an exercise in futility.
Well, at least it's a conversation starter.

Welrod Mk IIA

The long-requested Welrod was added on day 13 of the Meatmas 2020 Advent Calendar event. It is the game's first bolt-action pistol that isn't a chopped down rifle, and one of the only known media depictions of the Welrod that accurately depicts its use of replaceable wipes that degrade with use; this is reflected in both the firing sound (with the first shot on a fresh set of wipes being near-totally silent apart from the firing pin, and the tenth being roughly as loud as an ordinary suppressed pistol) and the model of the baffles (which visibly wear out over time).

Welrod Mark IIA - .32 ACP
Opening Bunker A-13's weapon case reveals a seemingly-random assortment of items, none of which look particularly weapon-like.
Examining the rather unassuming pistol; its not-very-gun-like appearance is deliberate, as the Welrod was meant to be an inconspicuous weapon for resistance fighters and covert operatives in occupied Europe.
Purportedly, it could either be hidden in a bag of various tools without catching anyone's eye as an obvious gun; if asked about specifically, it could be handwaved as a bike pump, or something of the sort.
Opening up the Welrod's bolt; lacking an obvious bolt handle, the bolt's knurled rear surface has a notch that lines up with a marking on the receiver tube, to let the user know when the bolt is (or, in this case, isn't) properly locked.
Loading in one of the distinctive rubber-covered magazines; these are proprietary, but appear to have been based around Colt Model 1903 Pocket Hammerless mags. They also form the Welrod's grip, and in doing so make it look far more like an actual gun. Or, at least, a small child's drawing of an actual gun.
Chambering a .32 ACP round.
Aiming at a Static drone just outside the bunker; the Welrod's sights are rudimentary, but usable within the ranges that it's supposed to be used in. The real weapon's irons featured tritium inserts, though these are missing from most currently-documented examples, and may have simply lost their radioactivity anyways.
Firing; this produces very little recoil and almost no sound, so the only real indication that anything has happened is the bright light emanating from the drone. Which, incidentally, means that it's about to explode.
Working the bolt to eject a spent casing, as a Hardened drone comes to investigate; being sound-sensitive, it looks in completely the wrong direction.
Using the Welrod for its intended purpose (i.e. silent, near-point-blank elimination of sentries - it even had a recessed muzzle for the express purpose of firing the gun while pressing it into a target); even if they can't recognize the sound of one of their compatriots' heads coming apart as a cause for alarm, doing this to groups is still not a great idea.
Checking on the condition of the suppressor in about the most ill-advised manner possible; a mag or two will leave the orange rubber wipes torn to the point of near-uselessness. As mentioned, this makes the gun louder, though not by any means loud (since the suppressor also contains conventional metal baffles, and it is still a manually-operated gun firing a small, subsonic cartridge).
To replace these wipes, one must first remove the end of the suppressor...
...and then pull out the baffle/wipe stack. One can also simply fire the gun with the endcap removed, causing the stack to come out on its own (as shown here); given that this wastes a round, throws the stack onto the floor, and makes a rather loud noise, doing so isn't recommended. Especially not in the presence of the aforementioned sound-sensitive Hardened drone.
Incidentally, the weapon can still be fired in this state (i.e. with the suppressor's innards removed); doing so gives the weapon its only real opportunity to produce a relatively normal-sounding gunshot, and about the closest thing it can manage to a normal muzzle flash.
Preparing to insert a fresh stack. Note that the wipes (the orange rubber disks) are completely solid; this is correct, as part of the Welrod's famous quietness comes from the fact that it fires straight through these wipes, causing them to partially self-seal for the first few shots (and thus allowing less propellant gas to escape).


A weapon that vehemently resists all attempts at conventional classification, the "Whizzbanger" is arguably the strangest addition brought along by the 2019 April Fools' Day update - and that's saying something for an update that also added Sosigs with glowing red clown noses that bleed confetti. Based on a Pimp My Gun photo believed to have originated from 4chan, the Whizzbanger consists of an RIS foregrip, attached to which are a pair of scope mount-esque rings in front of a spring-loaded firing pin, meant to be struck with a provided mallet (though just about anything - other objects, walls, enemies, etc. - will also do the job). To top it all of, the cartridge of choice for this monstrosity is, of all things, .50 BMG (which is presumably why it sits with the anti-materiel rifles in the item spawner). Update #71 furthered this insanity by adding a 3rd, smaller ring to the front of the device, and allowing it to take attachments. Including suppressors.

The Pimp My Gun image that the Whizzbanger was based on.
See, 4chan, this is why we can't have nice things.
The other side of the Whizzbanger. Honestly, it's just in the pistol section because we can't think of a better place to put it. Maybe it should just get its own category.
Contemplating how on Earth to shove a .50-caliber tracer round into the ring mounts.
With that issue solved, the next thing to contemplate is why. Unfortunately, Jeff Goldblum's Jurassic Park quote has already been used on this page, as it would have summed this device up perfectly...
Never before has a firearm's hammer been so aptly named. Or a poor Sosig so completely oblivious of what's about to happen to it.
Though, granted, one has to feel just as bad for the person holding the damned thing. And no, this isn't a muzzle flash, because the term "muzzle flash" implies the existence of a muzzle, which implies the existence of a barrel.
A couple frames later, and the kick of an unsupported .50 BMG going off attached to little more than a lightweight handle kicks in. Not every day that somebody's cause of death is "decapitation by torso disintegration".
Popping the somehow-not-blown-apart spent case out of the Whizzbanger, and taking a moment to seriously think about the decisions that have led us all to this moment. So many mistakes... what's another on the pile?
Pointing a Gepard PDW at the monstrosity; not to rid the world of it, mind you, but to use it: another feature added to the Whizzbanger in Update #71 was the ability to hit the firing pin with bullets fired from other weapons. Rube Goldberg machines, anyone?

Click here to return to the main index page, or click here to view the game's revolvers.

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