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Hot Dogs, Horseshoes & Hand Grenades/Submachine Guns

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Submachine Guns

Weapons on this page generally fall into the game's submachine gun category, with some exceptions; a few of the smaller specimens are categorized as machine pistols, a few are classified as PDWs (which, being more a marketing/company-applied term than a formally-defined one, can't really be classified as right or wrong), and some are rather oddly categorized as carbines.

AEK-919K Kashtan

The AEK-919K Kashtan is one of the available firearms in-game; it was added in the 1st Meatmas update, during the third week.

AEK-919K Kashtan - 9x18mm Makarov
A good look at the AEK-919K; a fairly detailed model for such a rare submachine gun.
Loading in a magazine...
...before looking at the AEK's other side.
Extending the stock. Yes, that is as far as it goes.
Pulling the charging handle.
Taking aim...
...and spitting out a burst of 9x18mm Makarov.
Update #94 fixed the stock; its previous length was far too short. This particular long-stocked AEK has been fitted with a couple of attachments added in the same update - namely, the "Ober" suppressor (which fits this particular weapon just about perfectly), and an Aimpoint ARCO red-dot sight.
The extended stock, aside from making the gun look a little less silly, also lets you get a better sight picture with irons or optics alike. Perfect for hosing down the paper target that you forgot to lower.

Agram 2000

2018's Meatmas update added an Agram 2000 (a Croatian variant of the Beretta M12) on its fifth day.

Agram 2000 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The Agram in its box, along with the standard-issue information about the gun and its 3D modeler.
Admiring the submachine gun's left side...
...and its right. It has a sci-fi sort of look to it, don't you think?
Especially with the large-base magazines. This is one of the short ones; a 16-rounder, to be precise.
Cocking the Agram.
The selector switch, which has 3 positions in a 180-degree arc. This is the safe position...
...and this is the semi-auto position.
Aiming; the Agram has a pistol-style square notch and flat front post. Serviceable for the intended engagement distances, but a bit too wide for much else.
Sending a few rounds into the wild blue yonder.
Of course, what's the point of a submachine gun if not full-auto?
Loading in a longer 32-round magazine.
Spraying some rounds at a crystal snowflake.


The American-180 was added on day 14 of the Meatmas 2020 Advent Calendar event; it is the game's first .22 LR-chambered SMG, and features the highest capacity of any non belt-fed in-game firearm. The game has two versions: a standard full-length version with a fixed stock (added on Day 14), and an additional version with a shorter barrel, a factory vertical foregrip, and a MAC-10-esque collapsible stock; this variant comes with half-sized 83-round magazines (though it can still use the standard ones), and is jokingly called the "American-90."

A fictional pneumatic weapon based on the American-180, dubbed the "Medical-180", was added in Update #100's second alpha build; it is meant for the "Meat Fortress" mode, and serves as an alternative to the Medic's fictional "Syringe Gun", trading the latter's compactness and ability to fire in full-auto for a higher magazine capacity, a higher muzzle velocity, and a longer effective range.

American-180 - .22 LR
The American-180 in its box, minus a few letters. And a sense of shame.
Examining the submachine gun; without the magazine, it could easily deceive someone into thinking that it's a relatively ordinary gun.
It makes itself out to be an ordinary, familiar weapon, tricking unsuspecting users with its Thompson-esque features - in particular, the smooth, dropped wooden stock, the finger-grooved pistol grip and forend, the squarish receiver, and the finned barrel are all conspicuously similar, serving to make the weapon itself seem less conspicuous, and more, well, similar.
However, the gun's normalcy stats to come into question when the conspicuously small hole going clean through the gun vertically is drawn to attention, as tends to happen when it is cocked (as shown here).
And, of course, any pretense of normalcy goes completely out the window once a giant tuna can filled with 165 rounds of .22 LR is unceremoniously shoved onto the top.
Disengaging the American-180's safety lever - nobody here needs to be safe, and nobody is.
Testing out the sights; a nice, wide aperture and a thick, easily-acquirable front post with prominent protective wings make close-range aiming nice and easy.
So, of course, unaimed blind-fire is the obvious move. (This was actually done to make the firing shot more visually interesting; since the 180 ejects casings downwards and doesn't produce much recoil or muzzle flash, it'd be hard to tell from a still image that anything was even happening. So, you're welcome.)
For fun, you can also flip the gun upside down and try to make a brass fountain. Tried dipping strawberries in it; would not recommend.
For practical applications, loading the drums with tracers takes the American-180 from "decently practical gimmick gun" to "literal death ray" - its near-total lack of recoil, high capacity, and blistering 1,200 RPM fire rate make it perfect for shooting fast-moving targets; in particular, when faced with the missile barrages from Swarm drones, it can be used as an ersatz CIWS. The yellow line across the screen is one of the scanning lasers from an Agile drone (effectively a beeping, geometric, laser-firing helicopter gunship that can only be damaged from behind); as it turns out, a tracer-filled 180 is also perfect for dealing with those.
American-180 with short barrel, foregrip, and no stock - .22 LR
One quick trip from the North Pole to the Badlands, and we're examining the American-90. Like the 180, but smaller.
And also extendable.
The irons are more or less the same as those of the 180, though the fact that the front sight is closer to the rear one creates a slightly different sight picture. If they're not your cup of tea...
...then the Picatinny rail on the top may be of interest to you. It may also be of interest to you if you simply want to make a weapon suitably ridiculous-looking for the Meat Fortress scene; if that's the case, you may also be interested in a muzzle attachment or twenty.


With the previous "regular" variant being used in the Meat Fortress scene, it only seems appropriate that the Meat Fortress version be used in a "regular" one.
And a previous year's Meatmas scene, no less.
Looking at the bottom of one of the Medical-180's magazines; their 90-round capacity would be more at odds with the name if the actual American-180's magazines held 180 rounds either.
But they don't, so it's a bit of a moot point.
Racking the weapon's charging handle; it fires from an open bolt, for whatever that means on a pneumatic syringe-chucker (the same is true of the basic "Syringe Gun").
Aiming the Medical-180; the presence of a rear sight cowling is, unfortunately, nothing but an elaborate ruse to fool prospective users into thinking this activity is actually worthwhile.
Inoculating the ground in frustration; between the non-reciprocating charging handle, minimal recoil, and lack of ejected casings, it's rather difficult to show that this is actually happening in a still image without changing angles to show the actual syringe (which appears to be in the process of changing from one type of entity to another here) or the rather conspicuously non-airgun-like muzzle flash. The rather open-bolt lock time and comparatively fast trigger reset also mean that the trigger isn't actually back in this shot.
Luckily, showing the effect of the weapon's use works just as well.
Yanking out a partly-empty magazine/sharps box; the large loop on top does, in fact, wobble around.
Concluding a reload with a yank of the charging handle; while the pentagonal nut on the left side doesn't look as nice, it still works as an ambidextrous charging handle.
Examining one of the weapon's fired syringes; while they disappear relatively quickly for the sake of performance, these are actually fully-modeled, physical items.
As such, they can be used to give enemies their shots the old-fashioned way (though just about any situation in which this is actually necessary would be better handled by using the weapon's stock for an impromptu reflex test).

Beretta Model 38A

Update #52's eleventh alpha build brought along a Beretta Model 38A submachine gun.

Beretta Model 38A - 9x19mm Parabellum
Inspecting the left side of the Model 38A...
...and the right side. Note the dual triggers; on the real weapon, these control the firing mode (i.e. pulling one results in semi-auto, and pulling the other results in full-auto), but this isn't currently simulated in-game, the reason being that VR controllers don't have dual triggers.
Loading in a 30-round magazine; 10- and 20-round varieties are also available.
Pulling back the charging handle, which opens up a small window through which the table can be seen.
"Huh, guess I'd better turn off the safety..."
"Oops." Note: This is a pre-release bug; in the released version of the alpha build, this doesn't happen. So no, you can't set your safety to "look, I just broke the safety".
For reference, this is what it's supposed to look like. Also note the short magazine; these hold 10 rounds, and serve to occasionally make playing Take & Hold on the "WWII" loot setting that much more infuriating.
Taking aim at a target...
...and showing it what happens when you don't pay the pizzo. Or what happens when you're part of the Ethiopian military. Depends on which sort of 1930s Italian we're dealing with here.
The latter sort are more likely to be interested in this later-added feature: adjustable sights! From 100 meters out to 500, with five distinct, clear steps for each of the 100-meter-apart positions.

Beretta Mx4 Storm

The fully-automatic variant of the earlier-added Cx4, the Beretta Mx4 Storm, was added in Update #52; possibly owing to its relation to the former, it is categorized in-game as a carbine.

Beretta Mx4 Storm - 9x19mm Parabellum
An Mx4 in a freshly-opened weapon crate.
Admiring the Mx4's sleek, futuristic-looking lines. A lovely piece of kit, to be sure.
Unfortunately, the RNG wasn't terribly kind in this particular instance, pairing the submachine gun with a small 15-round magazine. At least it's loaded with tracers.
Loading in the aforementioned magazine.
Pulling the charging handle. While the Mx4 does have a bolt release in-game, you can't exactly take full advantage of it when the bolt is already in battery.
Blasting away at an enemy; while the muzzle flash and tracer may make it hard to see, the enemy in question is a "meatcrab", one of the enemies added with this Take & Hold level (known simply as Containment). The enemy, along with several others in the level, and the design of the level as a whole, are meant as an homage to Half-Life.
While the meatcrabs aren't much on their own, the creatures that they create are another matter altogether.
Dealing with some more "normal" enemies - here, a Weinerbot sniper learns that precise aiming isn't really necessary inside of the distance of a typical backyard game of catch.

Bergmann MP18

The eighth day of Meatmas 2018 added a Bergmann MP18, the oldest submachine gun on offer in-game, and one of the first to ever see service.

Bergmann MP18 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The MP18 sitting in its Advent Calendar box.
Loading the submachine gun. This magazine, added with the weapon, is a separate (though interchangeable) version of the already-implemented Trommelmagazin 08, with a sheet-metal piece attached to the feeding tower in order to prevent over-insertion, a significant issue with the MP18. The MP18 in-game can also use normal TM 08 drums, or, amusingly enough, standard 8-round Luger magazines.
Pulling back the cocking handle.
Giving the safety a try; like many later open-bolt submachine guns, the MP18's only safety is a simple notch to lock the bolt into, preventing it from moving forwards.
Examining the weapon's left side...
...and the right one.
Aiming; while the MP18 did a lot of things right, the choice of a side-mounted drum magazine was not one of them, at least as far as weight distribution is concerned.
Firing off a burst. Sure, submachine guns here have somewhat longer effective ranges than most games show, but I think this is pushing it a bit.
Oh, and remember what we said earlier about being able to use Luger mags?
Yeah, we weren't kidding. (On a sidenote, this shot gives a great view of the receiver markings - have a look.)
It won't last you long, but it works.


Added in the 11th alpha build of Update #52, the Błyskawica, a Polish submachine gun manufactured clandestinely under German occupation, is usable in H3.

Błyskawica - 9x19mm Parabellum
Taking a good, close look at the Błyskawica.
Loading in a magazine...
...pulling back the charging handle...
...and then pausing to get a better view of the submachine gun whose story is as ordinary as its name is pronounceable.
Giving the sights a try; they're quite usable, though the barleycorn-style front post is a bit small.
Opening up the stock...
...which gives the weapon a rather linear profile. With that all sorted (and ignored), it's back to business as usual.

Brügger & Thomet MP9

The Brügger & Thomet MP9 was added in the 2016 Meatmas update, permanently fitted with B&T's distinctive railed suppressor. Update #46 added a version without the fixed suppressor; the suppressor was then made an attachment in Update #52, which resulted in the removal of the suppressed version.

Brügger & Thomet MP9 with stock extended - 9x19mm Parabellum
Santa brought me the gift I wanted!
Spawning an MP9 in the Proving ground scene; while the actual gun no longer has the suppressor affixed by default, its item spawner icon clearly hasn't quite gotten the idea.
A quick look at the right side, showing off the weapon's profile. The markings on the ejection port read "Cal. 9x19mm" on the first line, and "SA 07-1548" (presumably a serial number) on the second.
A frantic run through the sturdy defenses of a Pacification Squad checkpoint bears worthwhile fruit, in the form of a locker with an MP9 inside. The checkpoints guard some of the game's strongest military-grade loot, with most of what's found outside being civilian-oriented.
Loading a fresh magazine into the MP9.
Pulling back the distinctive AR-15-style charging handle.
Grabbing a few spare magazines.
A good look at the submachine gun's left side; note the small switch just above the grip, which is pushed up when the weapon is set to safe...
...pushed down when the weapon is set to semi-auto...
...and seemingly disappears when it's set to full-auto.
Transportalponding back to the Proving Ground to spray away at some floating sheet metal, the process apparently causing the MP9 to spontaneously grow a reflex sight.
An MP9 reunited with its signature suppressor, known in-game simply as the "MP9 Suppressor". Due to engine/code limitations, the rails had to be removed, as the game can't handle having attachments attached to suppressors.
Oh, and the stock folds.
Just thought that you should know. (Looking at you, SEGA)

Cobray M11/9

A Cobray M11/9 was added through Update #50, AKA the 2017 Meatmas Update; it lacks a stock, and is fitted with an underbarrel accessory rail. It can use 3 different types of magazine - a 16-round short box, a 32-round long box, and a 72-round drum.

SWD/Cobray M11/9 - 9x19mm Parabellum
A Cobray M11/9 sitting in a weapon case, along with a suppressor and some magazines.
Attaching a suppressor to the Cobray.
Loading in a drum magazine...
...pulling back the bolt...
...and firing the Cobray. Note the burning trees in the background; the drum magazine in the case comes loaded with incendiary rounds by default.
Trying out the sights; the combination of a small rear aperture, a large, obtrusive rear sight plate, and a relatively thick front post all make for a rather cramped sight picture.
Even moreso when attempting to use it at a distance that won't endanger the user's eyes.
With that taken into account, it's rather easy to see why most people just don't bother.
A 144-round duet of suppressed and open fire, punctuated with a satisfying simultaneous mag-drop. Could you think of a more beautiful sound?
Substantially less satisfying, however, is the result of a Cobray fitted with a PP-2000 stock, a couple of barrel extensions, a suppressor, a Grippod (which, due to engine limitations, can only actually do the "Grip" bit of its name, and not the "pod" bit), and not one, not two, but 3 different aiming options on the top. Far, far less satisfying, indeed.
Trying out the various sights, the first of which is a sideways-mounted Trijicon ACOG. This proves to be rather difficult to use, for a number of relatively obvious reasons.
The right side's optic, a Walther MRS (set to its 3rd reticule option), while less awkward thanks to its lack of magnification, has its own set of issues.
If neither of those tickle your fancy, there's always the 3rd option, a set of Magpul back-up sights on the top rail. About 4 inches apart. With the front one on backwards, for good measure.

CZ Scorpion Evo 3 A

Another much-requested addition, the CZ Scorpion Evo 3 A was introduced in Update #58. As part of the Scorpion family update on Meatmas 2022 day 16, the base Scorpion SMG model was refreshed, and two additional variants were added as well: The "Evo3 PDW", which has an IA SC9 integral suppressor, and the "Evo3 Stealth", which features a carbine-length forend and barrel (though it retains the military versions' fire selector), and a different integral suppressor.

CZ Scorpion Evo 3 A - 9x19mm Parabellum
Admiring the Scorpion Evo.
Loading in a 30-round magazine; with how quickly the weapon fires, these don't last long.
Pulling back the charging handle, revealing a fresh set of 30 9x19mm rounds lying in wait.
Being a military model (as opposed to one of CZ's semi-auto-only civilian offerings), the Evo 3 has 4 selector positions: safe...
...3-round burst...
...and, of course, full-auto.
Lining up the Skorpion's distinctive aperture sights.
Unleashing a 1,000+ RPM burst of target-shredding fun.
Pulling the charging handle back...
...locking it up...
...swapping magazines...
...and finishing off the reload with a not-exclusive-to-HK-anymore HK slap. This is apt, given that the Skorpion Evo 3 A essentially looks like the kid brother of an HK G36C...
Trying something different, and folding the stock for some one-handed fun.
The perfect choice for someone whose family was brutally murdered by a gang of ceilings.
Several Christmases later, the Evo gets a model update. This is only getting one screenshot, since not much has changed (which makes sense, as it's still from the same modeler) - about the only real changes are the removal of the previously permanently-attached iron sights and handstop. At least, that's how it is now - upon their introduction, the Evos suffered a strange issue wherein their triggers were rotated 90 degrees backward (rendering them near-totally invisible); this was fixed relatively quickly.

"Evo3 PDW"

Scorpion Evo 3 A1 SMG with IA SC9 Suppressor - 9x19mm Parabellum
"Okay, just gotta get this thing ready for...

...wait, is this thing rolling?"

Right, here's the Evo 3 PDW. It's about the same as the reference image, though it uses the shorter SC9K variant of the suppressor, and the same company's IASC9 M-Lok heat shield to boot.
And here's the right side. Note the iron sights, which I had definitely remembered to put on before this well-planned screencapping session.
Loading in a magazine; for all the different options available, the classic 30-rounders are still a nice pick.
Pulling back the charging handle - as fun as the slap can be, it loses some of its charm if you do it every single time.
Disengaging the safety, and -

"Wait a minute, didn't I have a semi-auto shot? Could've sworn it was around here somewhere..."
Attempting to intimidate the distant hot dog into revealing the reasons for its tyranny over the inhabitants of this snowglobe.
While this would normally fail due to hot dogs being unable to talk, that isn't the case in H3; instead, it fails because the interrogator is in a snowglobe, and the glass is apparently bulletproof.
Dejectedly throwing the now-empty magazine off a cliff...
...before doing a quick reload, tapping the bolt release, and finding someone else to personally defend against.

"Evo3 Stealth"

Evo 3 S1 Carbine with MLOK hand guard - 9x19mm
And, finally (for this page, anyway), there's the "Stealth" variant, with a name that belies its apparent lack of subtlety.
Note the aftermarket... everything, pretty much. Magpul PRS stock, third-party pistol grip, Midwest M-Lok handguard with a back-tucked suppressor, even the trigger's a non-factory component - about the only thing that this doesn't replace (that another version does, anyway) is the magazine release. Somebody poured a lot of money into this puppy.
Disengaging the safety.
Loading in a magazine - for a gun as over-the-top as this, is there any other option than the biggest one? And, of course, a spectacularly expensive optic that found its way on there. Didn't need that paycheck anyway.
Yanking back the charging handle - this, too, appears to be an aftermarket component, slightly thicker than the standard version.
Setting up to stealthily assassinate a snowflake. Most of the difficulty from this came from getting both the scope reticle and the canted irons in the same shot - initially, the plan was to get the red-dot in there too, but that was a bit much to ask.
Sending the shot...
...and watching it land.
Attempting to give the nearby building the same treatment; this effort is stymied by the the selector, which stealthily flipped itself over to full-auto in the interim. Now the targets'll be unevenly shot forever.
Well, if you can't unshoot the building, you may as well unload at it - both ammunition and magazine alike.


The FN P90 TR is one of the numerous weapons added in the 2016 Meatmas update; it is categorized as a PDW in-game.

FN P90 TR - FN 5.7x28mm
A P90 on a table, next to its rival.
Loading a magazine into the P90. This previously rather tricky process was made easier following Update #48.
Pulling back the charging handle.
Taking a look at the P90's interestingly-placed fire selector, which has 3 positions: safe...
...and, of course, full-auto. One interesting feature of the P90 that H3 simulates is its interesting behavior in full-auto; despite having a separate semi-auto setting, the P90 uses a 2-stage trigger system in full-auto mode (i.e. a partial pull of the trigger produces semi-automatic fire, whereas a full pull produces automatic fire).
"Aiming" the P90; being the "TR" (Triple Rail) model, it doesn't come with any sights by default.
Demonstrating the interesting downward-ejection system of the P90, something some games seem to be unaware of.
All that "demonstration" leave's the gun's muzzle looking rather smoky. Also note the fake shield-shaped logo under the end of the magazine; it isn't clear why it's placed there, since a normal P90 doesn't have any markings there.
Removing the empty magazine, which reveals a rather fitting reference on the top of the stock.

Gepard PDW

The Gepard PDW is one of the available submachine guns in-game, having been added in the first Meatmas update; this marks the only known appearance of this rare Russian prototype PDW (which is also how it is classified in-game) in any form of media to date. Update #71, a whole 2-and-change years later, added a Russian-type dovetail optics rail to the side of the receiver.

Gepard PDW with stock extended and suppressor - 9x18mm Makarov
Taking a look at the Gepard's left side...
...and the right. A pretty good-looking model for a gun this rare.
Loading in a 40-round magazine; 20-rounders are also available.
Attaching the Gepard's unique suppressor.
Pulling the charging handle.
Looking through the sights; as with the rest of the Gepard, these are rather AKS-74U-like, due to the former being based on the latter.
Sending some rounds downrange.
Folding the stock...
...and spraying rounds willy-nilly around the room.
A great many updates later, and the Gepard finally gets a bit more love.
And by "love", we mean "a PK-01VS red-dot sight." Well, that and the ability to remove the magazine by grabbing it. Convenient, ain't it?

Heckler & Koch MP5A1

The seldom-seen Heckler & Koch MP5A1 is the first SMG of a seemingly-astounding 28 total MP5 variants added in Update #63; these differ in trigger group (and thus available firemode), barrel type/length, caliber, and stock type. While many of these parts are interchangeable in reality, H&K apparently feel that avoiding ambiguity as to what specific parts come with a particular MP5 variant von der Stange is sehr wichtig.

Heckler & Koch MP5A1 (ICS airsoft replica) - 6mm BB
The MP5A1 in the item spawner's menu. This shot gives a good view of how the spawner had to be rebuilt to accommodate the new MP5 variants without filling entire pages with them, that being to place variants in the same sub-group on the same page.
Loading the MP5A1, in a rather dramatic fashion...
...before getting the feeling that something's missing. And not just a shot of the bolt being locked back.
Taking a nice, close look at the lower receiver in an effort to figure out what's missing, and flipping the selector to semi-auto.
"Could it be a shot of the selector getting set to full-auto? Well, yes, but no, that's not it either. Hmmm..."
Fortunately, thanks to SUPERIOR GERMAN ENGINEERING universal pistol stock compatibility, an attempt by our forgetful hero to replace the missing stock with one from a Luger LP08 "Artillery" does not result in the destruction of the entire universe. This ultimately seems to have been handled by deleting the rear sling hook, and shoving the entire front of the stock into the receiver's end-cap.
Add a slimline handguard and an early-pattern magazine...
...and you wind up with this.
And them immediately wonder whether or you should cast it into the void, fearing the dark, destructive power it emanates, and wondering whether or not it is right for such a thing to be a part of this world.

Heckler & Koch MP5A2

A Heckler & Koch MP5A2 with a Surefire forend was one of the available firearms in-game. It was added to the game with Update #7. Update #24 made some changes, including the addition of a top rail, and the ability to adjust the sights and turn on the flashlight. The model was replaced in Update #63, not because there was necessarily anything wrong with it, but instead to maintain consistency with the other 27 MP5 variants added (the newer models all using SEF trigger groups instead of Navy ones for variants with safe-semi-auto selectors).

Heckler & Koch MP5A2 with Surefire 628 dedicated forend weaponlight and Navy trigger group - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the MP5A2.
Loading in a 30-round magazine.
Pulling the charging handle back...
...and up.
This, of course, being a setup for the glorious HK Slap.
Flicking the selector to full-auto. No, sadly, you can't do this with psychic powers.
Taking aim, using the widest (and shortest-ranged) of the MP5's 3 rear sight positions...
...and hosing down the bullseye target with a burst of 9x19mm rounds.
The MP5's post-Update #24 form, complete with top rail.
The other 2 rear sight options, for those wondering, are small and far-out...
...and smaller and further out.
And on the twenty-fourth update, Anton said: "Let there be light."
Heckler & Koch MP5A2 with wide "tropical" forend and SEF trigger group - 9x19mm Parabellum
The "new" MP5A2 model.
"New" being in quotes because the SEF trigger group is actually the earlier version, so the new model is technically an older model.
Apart from that, however, the new model is much the same as the old one in practical terms: loading works the same...
...the charging handle works the same...
...the charging handle locking slot works the same...
...and the ever-glorious slap, of course, works the same.
Disengaging the safety.
Lining up the sights.
Firing off a couple of shots in semi-auto.
Another feature retained from the earlier version is the ability to adjust the rear sight...
...though, as ever, you'd need a pretty high-resolution HMD to be able to even see through the smaller apertures.
Heckler & Koch MP5A2 with original "slimline" forend, early-pattern straight magazine, and SEF trigger group - 9x19mm Parabellum
Loading in an early "waffle" magazine.
Demonstrating one of the features added with the introduction of the new MP5s: handguard interchangeability. Simply push the new forend against the bottom of the old one...
...and presto! You've got a fixed-stocked Viper 5. Left-handed ejection port not included.
Heckler & Koch MP5A2 with Surefire 628 forend and SEF trigger group - 9x19mm Parabellum
Other options include the Surefire forend seen on the original model...
...a ventilated handguard similar to the one seen in Far Cry 3...
...or, for maximum operator status, a railed forend, here fitted with a foregrip and laser sight. The proprietary H&K claw-style scope mount (seen here fitted with an Aimpoint tube reflex sight) was another Update #63 addition, and fits the game's G3-series rifles as well. The 100-round Beta-C drum magazine was also added in this update, as one might expect.
Raising some roller-delayed hell.
Heckler & Koch MP5A2 (Turkish clone) with SEF trigger group and wooden furniture - 9x19mm Parabellum
This positively gorgeous wood-furnished MP5A2 was also added in in Update #63, and is treated as its own distinct variant. Its wooden handguard is also an optional attachment for any of the other full-length MP5s.

Heckler & Koch MP5A3

Another member of the MP5 family added in Update #63, the Heckler & Koch MP5A3 is available; like all of the 3-mode models, it has an SEF trigger group.

Heckler & Koch MP5A3 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Preparing to grab a freshly-spawned MP5A3.
Flipping the selector to full-auto, while having a good look at the gun as a whole.
Extending the stock.
Slinging some lead downrange, while performing an action that roughly approximates aiming.
Locking back the bolt...
...before risking life and limb by gazing into the forbidden realm that lies beyond.

Heckler & Koch MP5A4

The burst-capable, fixed-stocked Heckler & Koch MP5A4 was also made available in Update #63's MP5 collection.

Heckler & Koch MP5A4 - 9x19mm Parabellum
An MP5A4 on the item spawner's output table, with the spawner's icon watching over it, keeping tabs on its every move.
"Yeah, you might be doing that wrong."
Rocking the selector over to 3-round burst...
...and turning the paper target into notebook paper. A second spent casing can just be glimpsed at the top-right corner of the shot.

Heckler & Koch MP5A5

The MP5A4's sliding-stocked cousin, the Heckler & Koch MP5A5, was the last of the standard "A-series" MP5 variants added in Update #63 (though far from the last entirely).

Heckler & Koch MP5A5 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Pausing to say hello to A5 (the youngest of the A siblings) at the grand MP5 family reunion.
"Great, only 5 guns into this family and I'm already giving them names and backstories... this does not bode well for my mental health."
Taking a deep breath, bracing internally, and setting the MP5A5 to 3-round-burst.
Firing off some rounds at nothing in particular. Unlike many games, H3 treats burst-firing weapons correctly; rather than being a forcibly-imposed requirement for each trigger pull, 3 rounds is simply an upper limit, with shorter trigger pulls allowing 1 or 2 rounds to be fired at a time.

Heckler & Koch MP5/10

Accounting for another 2 of Update #63's MP5 variants is the Heckler & Koch MP5/10; the two variants available are the fixed-stock "A4" and the collapsible-stocked "A5"; while this is in line with standard MP5 naming conventions, and both types of stock are available on the MP5/10, they are not known to be designated as such. Of note is that the MP5/10s are the first in-game firearms to be chambered in 10mm Auto; the cartridge, along with several others for which no corresponding firearms existed, were added back in Update #62.

Heckler & Koch MP5/10 with suppressor - 10x25mm Auto
Loading the MP5/10.
Giving the charging handle a solid tug. Feels like we're forgetting something...
Ah, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Anyway here are the irons...
...and here's the firin's. While the 9x19mm MP5s produce about as much recoil as your typical garden hose, the substantially punchier 10x25mm cartridge produces a fair bit more kick. Not enough to render the weapon uncontrollable, but enough to keep you on your toes.
Discarding the empty magazine.
"Ah, that's what I forgot!"
Mandatory gratuitous bolt-locking completed, the MP5 can now be inspected freely.
The MP5/10's other side. The "Cal. 10mm Auto" marking on the magazine well, the 2-round burst trigger group, and the presence of a bolt release above said trigger group all prove that this is a proper, dedicated MP5/10 model, and not simply a straight 10mm magazine shoved into a 9mm MP5.
Heckler & Koch MP5/10 with collapsible stock - 10x25mm Auto
Attempting to load a magazine into the "A5" variant...
...before showing off the reason behind its not-right-but-not-wrong name: the collapsible stock.

Heckler & Koch MP5/40

Complimenting the pair of MP5/10s, Heckler & Koch MP5/40s with sliding and collapsible stocks were made available in Update #63.

Heckler & Koch MP5/40 - .40 S&W
Taking a look at the MP5/40.
Being of the "A5" variety, this particular MP5/40 has an extendable stock.
Loading in a fresh magazine.
With the bolt locked back, there's a nice view to be had through the ejection port - 30 .40s, awaiting their chance.
Flipping the selector to 2-round burst, while simultaneously giving an excellent view of the lower receiver and its details.
Firing off a few rounds. Recoil on the /40 is milder than the /10, but still a bit stouter than that of the 9mms.
The "A4" version, which has a fixed stock...
...that's perfect for not actually using.
30 rounds, 0 hits, and 1 new magazine later, all that's left is a quick tap of the bolt release.

Heckler & Koch MP5K

The original Heckler & Koch MP5K is also among the Update #63 group. Alongside the standard model, there are versions with fixed and collapsible stocks (the "MP5KA2" and "MP5KA3", respectively; as with the SP5K, this is in line with standard naming conventions, but H&K doesn't actually use such designations); all of these (along with the other variants listed below) are categorized in-game as machine pistols. While such weapons are not available straight out of the box (which is what von der Stange translates as from German, in case you were still scratching your head about that), they can easily be converted due to the aforementioned interchangeability of MP5-pattern butt-stocks.

Heckler & Koch MP5K - 9x19mm Parabellum
An SEF-lowered MP5K, fresh out of the item spawner. Some of the MP5K's other variants can be seen on the item spawner's menu screen; following Update #63, the spawner's menu was rebuilt to allow for variant families of weapons to appear under one large header, primarily so that the SMG and Machine Pistol categories weren't overtaken by pages upon pages of roller-delayed German engineering.
Heckler & Koch MP5K prototype (serial number 0001) - 9x19mm Parabellum
Like the full-length MP5s, the MP5Ks can take alternate foregrips, though only one option (the prototype wooden foregrip seen here) is available. Simply shove it in at an angle...
...and presto, you've now got the very first MP5K to ever exist.
Loading in a K-standard 15-round short magazine.
Pulling back the charging handle.
Suddenly, an important realization comes to mind:
Why use a new magazine in an old prototype MP5K when you can use an old magazine instead?
Much better! Brings back memories... anachronistic memories, but good ones nonetheless.
Excitedly locking back the charging handle, seemingly having forgotten about having pulled it earlier.
Switching the selector from "S" ("Sicher", which is German for "Safe") to "E" ("Einzelfeuer", which means "Single Fire")...
...and then finally to "F" ("Feuerstoss", or "Fire", though "Fun" is an equally appropriate translation).
Sending the bolt home with a hearty smack.
Seasoning the bullseye with bullets. The "F" on the fire selector could also possibly be to pay respects to whoever has the misfortune of being on the business end.
MP5K "Reverse Stretch" with A3 stock - 9x19mm Parabellum
The "MP5KA2"...
...which has a fixed stock...
...and the "MP5KA3"...
...which has a collapsible stock.
Not that you need to use it.

Heckler & Koch MP5KA4

The Heckler & Koch MP5KA4 is one of the available firearms in-game; it was added in Update #20. Update #63 replaced the model; like the MP5A2, there wasn't necessarily anything wrong with it, but it needed to be replaced for the sake of consistency (namely, the non-removable rail mount on top of the receiver didn't line up with the other variants' clean receivers and attachable claw mounts).

Heckler & Koch MP5KA4 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the left side of the MP5KA4...
...and the right. Of note is that this appears to be the same model that would later be used in Virtual Warfighter.
A closeup of the MP5K, showing off its rail mount. In a nice touch of realism, the KA4 has a 4-position selector over the MP5A2's 3.
Loading in a 15-round magazine. The MP5A2's 30-rounders can also be used in the MP5K, and vice versa.
Pulling back the cocking handle.
Aiming at the target...
...and firing. Between this and the kung-fu he knows, the invisible-handed protagonist is a dangerous man. Lobby guards beware.
The new MP5KA4 model. Other than the rail, not much has really changed.
Loading in a 15-round magazine.
Locking back the bolt...
...slapping it into place...
...and firing. Between this and the kung-fu he - wait a second. I feel like we've been here before. It's almost like... déjà vu...

...wait, no, wrong series.

Heckler & Koch MP5KN

Complementing the other MP5Ks added in Update #63, the somewhat lesser-known Heckler & Koch MP5KN is an available option, distinguished by its extended, lugged barrel that allows for suppressor attachment. The "N" stands for "Navy", as this particular variant was developed for the US Navy.

Heckler & Koch MP5KN - 9x19mm Parabellum
Summoned by the Great Almighty Item Spawner, an MP5KN descends from the heavens...
...only to be picked up by a passing stranger.
Fortunately, the stranger has a general idea of what to do, starting by locking back the charging handle.
They then proceed to do... whatever this is. Hey, I said that they had a general idea of what to do; it's not like they were an expert or anything.
Finally, the mysterious stranger (no, not that Mysterious Stranger) sends the bolt home with a hearty smack.
They then flip the selector to full-auto...
...and navally blast away.

...is that even a word?

Heckler & Koch MP5K-PDW

Between the release of Update #9 (when it was added) and Update #20 (when it was removed), the game's MP5K was actually a stockless MP5K-PDW, as identified by the distinctive muzzle device. It was replaced by the MP5KA4 due to inaccuracies in the model, many of which were magazine-related. The MP5K-PDW made a comeback in Update #63, being one of the update's many Heckler & Koch MP5 variants.

Heckler & Koch MP5K-PDW - 9x19mm Parabellum
The pre-patch MP5K-PDW, in all of its not-so-glorious glory.
Loading in a 30-round magazine.
Chambering one of the 30 aforementioned rounds.
Flipping the selector lever to full-auto. When we said there "magazine-related" issues, this is what we meant.
Taking some potshots at the paper bullseye.
The post-post-patch MP5K-PDW, in all of its substantially-more-glorious glory. One of the perks of helping cross the 250-gun mark.
Another perk is that, after 54 updates, the PDW's side-folding stock is now present.
And, of course, what good would it be if it didn't unfold?
Loading in a 15-round short magazine. 30-rounders work just fine too.
Pulling back the charging handle...
...locking it into position...
...and, as is tradition, delivering the legendary slap.
Standard MP5K-PDWs come with a 3-position Navy trigger group.
This, of course, being the second position...
...and this being the third.
Aiming through the ever distinctive diopter drum iron sights, on the ever-distinctive "I-don't-care-about-anything-past-100-meters-this-is-a-submachine-gun-what-do-you-think-it's-for" setting.
Firing off a few rounds. Granted, "a few rounds" with a weapon like this pretty much means "an entire magazine" - at least when said magazine only holds 15 rounds, that is.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD1

Yet another MP5 variant added in Update #63 is the Heckler & Koch MP5SD1; prior to this, it was an available option for SWBs and Sosigs.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD1 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Making extra sure to put the magazine in correctly. Hey, you can never be too careful.
Performing the unspeakably heretical act of pulling back an MP5's charging handle like any other gun, instead of going for the ever-satisfyingly gratuitous slap.
Pausing for a second to remember what gun this is, and apologize profusely in an effort to avoid being ostracized, excommunicated, and/or burned at the stake.
Groveling efforts successful, it's back to business. Of course, by the ATF's logic, anything without a stock is a pistol, so why not use it like one? Other than, y'know, the vast multitude of entirely logical, valid reasons not to.
Putting an interesting twist on the "pistol" logic by attaching a pistol stock - a FAB Defense GLR-440 adjustable stock, to be exact. This stock is meant exclusively for full-sized and compact Glock pistols in reality...
...a fact made all the more clear by this sad, sad excuse for a sight picture.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD2

Of course, seeing as Update #63's MP5 variants were consolidated into families, it's no surprise that the Heckler & Koch MP5SD2 also showed up.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD2 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the left side of the MP5SD2, with one of the stock's 2 holes just sneaking into the shot. These stock holes are a feature of all of H&K's solid-stocked roller-delayed designs; they serve as a place to put the receiver pins while field-stripping the weapon, to avoid losing them.
"Okay, first of all, that's not what "rock-and-lock" means, and second, that doesn't even matter, because MP5 magazines go in straight. So either you weren't paying attention earlier, or the space between your ears is some sort of extradimensional abyss."
Following their scolding, the trainee sighs and flips the selector to full-auto, while noticing the apparent return of Far Cry 3's self-locking MP5 charging handle.
Not being the type to look gift horses in the mouth, the trainee simply goes along with it, and slaps the handle into place.
They then proceed to unload on the target. Without aiming, because, in their words, "ACCURACY IS FOR DORKS!"

"What did you just say?! Accuracy isn't for dorks you little - GET BACK HERE!"

Heckler & Koch MP5SD3

The Heckler & Koch MP5SD3 made an appearance in Update #63 as well.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD3 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the MP5SD3.
Attempting to multitask, by simultaneously fiddling with the fire selector and loading in a magazine. The key word here being "attempting".
Sometimes, it's better to just take things one step at a time.
Pulling back the charging handle, whilst reminding the MP5SD3 that YOU DO NOT RECOGNIZE THE BODIES IN THE TRASHCAN.
Following this up with a spectacularly uninformative brass check...
...and spraying bullets all around the room. There's no fire like hipfire.

"MP5 Shadow"

A fictional variant introduced in the April Fool's Day Update #108, the "MP5 Shadow" is an MP5SD3 (minus the integrated suppressor) converted to pump-action, using the ribbed rubber forend as a pump handle; the resulting weapon bears a resemblance to some spring-powered airsoft versions of the MP5. This weapon is based on the bizarre manual of arms of a similar gun used in the opening cutscene of Shadow the Hedgehog.

As an additional note, the Shadow is technically H3VR's first pump-action rifle, beating out any number of actual examples thereof.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD6 spring airsoft gun - 6mm BB
Examining the Shadow. Contrary to its name, it appears to be just as well-lit as the rest of the room.
Aside from the notable lack of the MP5SD's main raison d'être, it also lacks a full-auto position, instead using the same 2-position selector as the SP5K and MP5SF variants.
This is also one of the few things about the weapon that has changed - upon its introduction, the selector worked backwards, with the "fire" position specifically being the crossed-out white bullet pictogram, possibly to reference the propensity of guns in video games to fire with the safety engaged; this was later reverted to work normally, presumably because of how many people couldn't understand why the gun wasn't working.
At least the stock's normal.
And hey, the mags are too - don't even need to twist them.
Now we've just gotta pull the charging handle, and-
Attempting to interrogate a metal cube as to why any benevolent God would allow such a thing to exist in this world.
The cube remains silent...
...and, thus, forever holds its peace.
Attempting to mentally shift over to more normal matters, and fiddling with the adjustable rear si-

"Actually, it's just an inevitable consequence of human free wi-"
With the cube now forever holding its peace and 29 rounds of someone else's violence (thanks in large part to the Shadow's ability to slam-fire; ironically enough, this would actually not be possible with a normal semi-auto MP5 trigger group, implying that the "semi-auto" position is actually full-auto), the magazine promptly clocks out and desperately tries to get as far away from this thing as possible.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD4

Obviously, the MP5SD family wouldn't be complete without the Heckler & Koch MP5SD4, so it too came along in Update #63.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD4 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Y'know, even if the safety is on, it's still generally considered socially unacceptable to examine a gun while holding down the trigger. Especially with it pointed blindly towards the range booths.
That's... not really how you're supposed to do that, either.
Well, I mean, that's not wrong per se, but there are still more appropriate ways of doing it.
Okay, now you're just messing with me.
Reaching into the cavernous depths of the trashcan, and pulling out yet another MP5 with a pistol stock. This stock, as its in-game name of "TSA-G" would suggest, is based on the ENDO Tactical TSA (Tactical Stock Adapter) for Glock pistols (albeit without the upper support, presumably to prevent clipping), fitted with an adjustable stock resembling a Magpul MOE AR-15 stock.
Like the MP5SD1 above, this combo...
...clearly just wasn't meant to be.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD5

The fixed-stocked, 4-position-trigger-grouped Heckler & Koch MP5SD5 found time in its schedule to tag along for the release of Update #63.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD5 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The MP5SD5's left side, with a magazine approaching from the underside. Fixed-stocked MP5s have fallen a bit by the wayside in games in favor of their sliding-stocked counterparts; a shame, really, considering how interesting-looking the flat, sleek sides and side-mounted sling bars of the solid stocks are.
But that's beside the point. Back on track, an attempt to load in the aforementioned magazine rather quickly goes sideways; Mr. Psydes here is blind on one side, so he couldn't quite gauge the distance between the side of the MP5 and his seeing side, leaving him beside himself with confusion as the magazine finds itself on the well's left side instead of its inside. As an aside, note that the selector is now pointed towards the left side of the shot, at the 3-round burst setting.
Pulling back the MP5's distinctive side-mounted cocking handle, using a simple side-to-side motion instead of the more common back-up-slap. Debates over the which one is better can spark seriously heated debates between the two sides, at least on some forums. As for which one we're on? Well, let's not get sidetracked here - sidestep the debates, and stay on the side of neutrality.
With that put aside, Sideshow Psydes shows off a debate that he is willing to take sides on, and unusual sides at that. While some might find the technique sidesplittingly laughable, firing sideways, according to Psydes, sends your brass downwards, saving you a fair amount of sideways glances from anybody standing beside you. Critics argue that, as the sights are topside and not sideside, shooting like this is tactical suicide. Which side's correct? We'll let you decide.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD6

Rounding out Update #63's full collection of MP5SDs is the Heckler & Koch MP5SD6.

Heckler & Koch MP5SD6 with MP5F stock - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the MP5SD6. Or, by its full name, the Maschinenpistole fünf Schälldampfer sechs".
Flipping the... let's just call it an MP5SD6 for now... over.
Extending the stock. When researching the MP5SD6's full name, our poltergeist protagonist also found out that the word poltergeist comes from the German word literally meaning "Noisy Ghost." The juxtaposition of him using a gun that is specifically designed not to be noisy thus led him into a deep existential crisis.
Having eventually recovered from said existential crisis, he decides to flip the selector off of safe...
...onto semi...
...and then, in a shocking twist of fate for this page, stopping at 3-round burst.
Loading in a 30-round magazine.
By now you know the drill: pull the charging handle...
...twisting it into its locking notch...
...and finishing off a reload with the ever-satisfying HK slap.
Aiming through the familiar diopter drum sights.
Firing off a quick 3-round burst.
Switching the selector onto full-auto...
...and spraying rounds everywhere, letting out an inarticulate scream of rage that, y'know, kinda defeats the point of using an integrally-suppressed weapon.

Heckler & Koch MP7A1

The Heckler & Koch MP7A1 is one of the numerous weapons added in the first Meatmas update; it is categorized as a PDW in-game. Update #87 added a special variant, dubbed the "Mp7 Sustenance"; it is meant as a reference to Half-Life 2's incarnation of the MP7 (an early prototype fitted with a reflex sight and an integral grenade launcher), and is accordingly fitted with a fixed reflex sight and a modified GP-25.

Heckler & Koch MP7A1 with Zeiss Z-Point red dot sight and 40-round magazine - 4.6x30mm
While browsing the arsenal, always start off small.
Affixing an Aimpoint sight to the MP7A1's upper rail, while noticing a bit of temporal distortion.
Loading a 40-round magazine into the MP7A1.
A closeup of the already-loaded magazine, which shows off the bottlenecked shape of the 4.6x30mm rounds. Note the black tips, which indicate that these are of the armor-piercing variety. Apt, given that "armor-piercing" is the main selling point of the MP7 and its aforementioned FN P90 rival versus conventional SMGs that fire pistol ammo (and the abject failure of the H&K UCP proves that the 4.6mm round is definitely not pistol ammo).
Giving the iron sights a try.
Of course, in order to allow this, you first have to unfold them.
Yes, the front one that was already unfolded too.
Firing the MP7A1...
...aiming it...
...and remembering to chamber a round. When? Never. Because it already happened. And it never will. Got it? No? Good.
Somewhen else, Welldone Freemeat prepares to start a hold with his "Sustenance" MP7A1. Neither the sight nor the launcher are removable, though other attachments can be fitted where appropriate.
Gunning down a poisonous breadcrab Zosig; while tough, these enemies move and attack slowly enough that they can generally be evaded, allowing players to focus primarily on encryption nodes.
However, once the fast breadcrabs show up, it doesn't take very long for things to get out of hand.
Not very long at all.

Heckler & Koch UMP45

The Heckler & Koch UMP45 is one of the available firearms in-game; it was added in Update #7, along with the MP5A2. Prior to the release of Update #52, it was permanently fitted with a vertical foregrip; the first alpha build of Update #100 replaced the model entirely.

Heckler & Koch UMP45 with Picatinny rails - .45 ACP
Some people would say that firing 2 submachine guns at once is a bad idea. We call those people weak.
Scrutinizing the UMP.
Flipping the fun switch to rock 'n roll, on the basis that semi-auto is for squares.
Unloading the UMP at a target. One-handed, no less.
Replacing the old magazine with a new one.
Inspecting the other side of the submachine gun, which shows that the bolt is locked open.
Addressing this issue by pulling the charging handle. Note the bolt release button; this is another means by which a locked-back bolt can be released, and it even correctly pops up when the bolt is locked back, as seen here.
Ventilating the target again, this time while actually aiming.
Folding the UMP's stock, just for the fun of it.
Loading up the post-U52 version of the UMP, without the vertical grip...
...though, if you miss it, you can always attach one yourself.
Examining the new, new UMP.
Or rather, the UMP45, since we have to specify now.
Loading in a 25-round magazine; among the perks of the new model was a functional viewing window, giving a clear look at precisely how much ammo is left.
Racking the charging handle, and chambering a round.
Disengaging the safety...
...taking aim...
...and punching a .45-inch hole in the paper. (Well, roughly .45-inch - round-nosed bullets tend to tear the paper open rather than punching out clean holes, hence the existence of wadcutters.)
Flipping the selector over to its next position, 2-round burst; apparently, this wasn't a feature of the original model, and required some careful texture-editing to add in.
But hey, if it lets you get cinematic shots like this, then I'd say it was worth the while.
Confirming that the stock hinge still works.
And hey, while we're here, let's look at that third position on the selector.
Burning through the last of the mag, and hitting pretty much nothing but the ceiling. The stock's there for a reason, y'know.
Yanking out the now-empty mag...
...and, after a quick reload, giving the bolt release a hearty smack; this puts the magazine one round down, and the list of screencaps left to get one gun down.

Heckler & Koch UMP9

To go along with the remodeled UMP45, Update #100's first alpha build also included a Heckler & Koch UMP9.

Heckler & Koch UMP9 with Picatinny rails and vertical foregrip - 9x19mm Parabellum
Looking over the UMP9. To help differentiate it from its larger-caliber sibling, this section will feature as many differences in the composition of the weapons' screenshots as possible - for starters, the first shot is of the weapon's right side, not the left.
Also, these shots are taken facing downrange, rather than facing the opposite wall.
Unlike the UMP45, this one's loading will start off with the charging handle being locked back...
...and then, since the stock started out unfolded, something totally unrelated to the loading process.
Resuming the loading process, and loading - with the right hand, of course, since the 45's section used the left.
Finishing things off with a nice, crisp slap of the charging handle, as is HK tradition. And not-the-previous-section tradition.
Since the aforementioned section had already turned around by this point, it only makes sense to do the same and create the opposite result. And to skip straight to full-auto, since the last section stopped at semi-auto and burst.
Aiming at the back wall, and aggravating the RSO even more than the last section; this is the sight's notch option...
...which, as the prior section didn't show, can be flipped up or down if an aperture is or isn't (respectively) preferable.
Contrasting the 45's relatively reasonable firing session by doing a sideways magdump into the wall of the range.
Yanking out a magazine, in... much the same fashion as the .45, actually. Luckily, in case the rest of the screenshots (and the magazine's curvature) weren't enough to prevent confusion between the two, said magazine is helpfully marked "9x19". The serial number plate is also marked - "48 001648", in fact, which just so happens to be the exact same serial number as the previous version. Maybe they're not so different after all...

IMI Micro Uzi

Update #54 added an IMI Micro Uzi to H3's collection, under the machine pistol class.

IMI Micro Uzi with bent trigger guard - 9x19mm Parabellum
Unfolding the Micro Uzi's stock...
...before taking a moment to appreciate its newfound physicality.
Loading a magazine into the Micro Uzi.
Pulling back the charging handle.
Taking a close look at the receiver, which shows off the markings.
It also shows off the weapon's seemingly somewhat poor condition, considering the denting present in the weapon's metal components.
And, of course, it shows off the fire selector.
Taking a look through the Micro Uzi's rather simple aperture sights. Aiming such a small, short-stocked weapon so steadily and close-up was made far easier with the addition of the optional Virtual Stock system, added in the same update as the Micro Uzi itself.
This, coupled with Update #52's rebuild of recoil systems with relation to shouldering weapons makes compact submachine guns such as this one far more usable for roles other than point-blank one-handed spray-and-pray.
And yet, the irresistible urge remains.

"Uzi Nano"

A joke variant of the Micro Uzi added as part of the April Fools' Day update (in Update #102 Alpha 2), the "Uzi Nano" somehow manages to make an even more compact version of the Uzi, with barely any room for a barrel or bolt. Interestingly enough, the idea for the Nano was actually proposed much earlier, as part of the "Future Sosig" Sosigun design contest; the original concept was chambered in "9x9mm", and used a sadly-not-present-in-game "shakefire" operating system.

The Nano Uzi, in all its glory.
Which isn't very much, to be frank.
"Well, at least the magazine's nor-"
Having shoved the .25 ACP-filled box back where it belongs, the next logical step is to pull the cocking handle back an unsettlingly short distance. Notably, like every select-fire Uzi variant except the Micro, the Nano fires from an open bolt.
Disengaging the safety; for all its cartoonishness up top, much of the trigger group has been left largely untouched.
The sights are also pretty standard Uzi fare - workable, if a bit obtrusive.
Being more or less an overgrown .25 ACP pocket gun, recoil is unsurprisingly minimal. As is effective range, hence the placement of the target.
Of course, that's not what this gun's really for, now is it?
Unloading into the target, gangster-style. Even with such little per-shot recoil, the Nano Uzi's absurd fire rate makes keeping it on target a fool's errand - even here, with the muzzle initially pointed at the right-hand edge of the target, it still manages to put most of its rounds past the left side of the paper.
Luckily, if accuracy's what you're looking for, there are... means by which to compensate.
Taking aim through the 60X rifle scope/literal telescope combo. It's not obstructed or anything - the curved line seen here in the reflection of the (much older version of the) Sniper Range's back wall is actually the edge of the viewbox. Current theories are either that the game simply refuses to render things properly with this amount of magnification, or that the reticle is so heavily magnified that a single line is wide enough to block the entire field of view.
Having precisely lined up a shot on the now-400-meter-away target, all that's left is to squeeze the trigger.
The results are, of course, a brilliant bullseye, with all 32 rounds going clean through the same hole.

Eh? Why's the hole so big? Well, that's just the unmatched power provided by the 2 foregrips, 3 torches (2 LED, 1 propane), and water-bottle suppressor, obviously!

IMI Mini Uzi

Along with the full-size versions, the IMI Mini Uzi was added in Update #59's ninth alpha build.

IMI Mini Uzi - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining a Lil' Uzi. Unlike the more common Vert or Horizont variants, this appears to be a rarer Lil' Uzi Diag.
Loading in a 32-round magazine.
Comparing the Mini Uzi to a full-sized one, which gives an idea of just how "mini" it is.
Taking a look at the weapon's right side, which gives a good view of the folded stock.
Unfolding said stock...
...which produces this.
Pulling the weapon's top-mounted charging handle.
No, that's not how you...
At least they're still doing the same needlessly dramatic removal of their empty magazines.


In the 9th alpha of Update #59, two versions of the Uzi were added: the solid-stocked "Classic", and the folding-stocked "Compact"; prior to this, in Update #52's 10th alpha, the folding-stocked version was added as an option for SWBs.

IMI Uzi w/later-pattern wooden stock - 9x19mm Parabellum
Admiring the wooden-stocked Uzi.
A seldom-seen sight, and all the more welcome for it.
Loading in a magazine. Unlike the Sosigs' .45 ACP Uzis, this one is a far more common 9x19mm version.
Pulling back the charging handle.
Looking at the fire selector's 3 positions: safe...
...and what everyone thinks of when they hear the word "Uzi".
Looking through the Uzi's aperture/post sights. A little bit obtrusive, but perfectly suitable for the weapons' intended purpose.
Opening fire. The Uzi's renowned controllability carries over quite well into H3.
IMI Uzi - 9x19mm Parabellum
The far more commonly-seen folding-stocked Uzi.
Perfect for all of your president-defending needs.
Unfolding the stock.
In case you were worried that that was the stock at full extension, rest assured that it is not; this is.
IMI Uzi w/Sionics suppressor - 9x19mm Parabellum
Added along with the Uzis was this unique Sionics 2-stage suppressor, commonly associated with the Uzi.
Unfortunately, the fact that it fits over the barrel makes attaching it a bit... tricky. Here, for example, the collision hitboxes of the suppressor and barrel fight one another, while the game attempts to determine whether or not the suppressor is in the right position to make the barrel invisible (which is supposed to happen when it's attached).
There we go.
With that ordeal out of the way, it's back to ventilating the target.

Interdynamic KG-9

A full-auto converted Interdynamic KG-9 is one of the available firearms in-game, categorized as a machine pistol; it features the same strange strange paintjob as the TEC-9. It is referred to as a modified version of the latter; it initially was, until Update #53 converted it from closed-bolt to open-bolt, effectively turning it into an earlier open-bolt KG-9. While the semi-auto variant's model was outright replaced in Update #105's first experimental build, the converted one was instead altered to make its proportions more accurate to the real deal.

Screenshots courtesy of Reddit user Shubishu.

Interdynamic KG-9 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The left side of the KG-9. Looks... pretty much the same as the TEC-9, really.
Yep, looks the same over here too.
Loading in a magazine.
Grabbing a hold of the charging handle...
...and demonstrating the main noticeable difference between the TEC-9 and the KG-9: were this the former, the bolt wouldn't be sitting here like this (assuming that it was working properly, that is). While the later-pattern sights and cocking handle would normally imply this to be a TEC-9, the open-bolt functionality makes it simply a KG-9 modified with the later-pattern parts. It could also be explained as a TEC-9 upper receiver mated to a KG-9 lower; similar conversions have been seen in various media forms before.
Aiming the KG-9.
Not that it does you much good.
Performing a tacticool mag-switch.
Screwing on a suppressor...
Mashing a magazine into a KG-9 with a bayonet; while most of the game's bayonets only fit one or two guns, muzzle-socket bayonets (such as those of the Mosin-Nagant, or the Lee-Enfield No. 4 Mk I spike bayonet seen here) are treated instead as muzzle attachments, allowing them to be fitted to any weapon capable of accepting suppressors and brakes, and letting monstrosities like this enter the physical realm.
Alongside the new TEC-9 came... the old KG-9 again. But it's different now - the use of the new model's double-feed magazines is a pretty good indicator of that.
Aiming the weapon gives a good look at what changed - just compare it to the aiming shots above, and the difference in width is obvious.
To make things more interesting, here's another funny, uncharacteristic attachment - a Beretta 93R's detachable stock. It looks... surprisingly good, actually.
Aside from looking neat, it helps give the sights a bit more purpose - it's not exactly precise, but it's substantially easier to keep on target this way.
So, the next logical move is to tack on something else that completely negates this advantage, and makes the sights even more pointless than they were originally. A massive oil-filter suppressor should do the trick - not to mention how it helps drive home the whole "super illegal" thing a bit more.
This also serves as an excellent opportunity to show off another one of H3's unique features - suppressors actually have to be screwed on properly, lest something like this happen.


The 3rd weapon added in the 2018 Meatmas Update was a K-50M, a North Vietnamese variant of the PPSh-41. Notably, this is the first known major media appearance of this particular weapon.

K-50M - 7.62x25mm Tokarev
The 3rd Meatmas Advent Calendar box, which features a gun as rarely-seen as the full name of North Vietnam.
Examining the submachine gun. If you thought that the PPSh couldn't've used more stamped steel components, you were wrong.
Extending the wire stock.
Loading in a 35-round magazine.
Locking back the bolt.
Giving the K-50M a visual inspection. Between the PPSh base, the early-pattern AK-47 pistol grip, and the MAT-49 front sight and wire stock, this thing's family tree must look like a Saskatchewanian Crooked Aspen.
Aiming; the exogenous front sight makes for a rather interesting sight picture.
Unfortunately, "interesting" doesn't necessarily mean "precise", especially not on an open-bolt submachine gun.
Dramatically pitching away an empty magazine...
...and, one quick reload later, dumping an entire magazine at an oversized chocolate. Unfortunately, this proves no match for the chocolate's adamantine armor of aluminum foil.
Update #94 gave the K-50M an update in the form of a substantially taller front sight.
The practical upshot of this is that the gun won't; instead, rounds will land more or less where they're supposed to.


The second variant of the Luger coming to the game in Update #52 is a downright bizarre modification of the P08, which has a considerable amount of AKM parts attached to it, including a stock, a handguard (with a Soviet-type dovetail rail on the side), a set of sights, and a barrel and gas tube, the latter of which actually contains the weapon's barrel; a hole has been placed in the front sight tower for this to fire through. As if that weren't ridiculous enough, it is also fully-automatic, which, due to the Luger's toggle-locked action, leads to a downright absurd rate of fire; in spite of this, it is categorized in-game as a carbine. Even more wildly, the weapon uses virtually all AK attachments, including a dovetail mount, a bayonet mount, and even the GP-25 grenade launcher.

However, perhaps the strangest thing about this weapon is that it actually exists. Made by German custom gun shop Waffen Werle, it is exactly what was described - an automatic Luger modded out with AKM parts.

Custom automatic Luger with AKM parts by Waffen Werle - 9x19mm Parabellum
I beg you
no more

KRISS Vector

The KRISS Vector Gen I is one of the firearms added in Update #37. Two variants of the weapon were initially available in-game: a standard one, and one fitted with the barrel shroud and extended barrel of the Vector CRB Enhanced (Gen II) civilian carbine variant, though still possessing the receiver of the Gen I version. Update #52 made an attachable suppressor out of the extended barrel's shroud, before Update #53 turned it into a shrouded barrel extension, and removed the now-redundant long-barreled Vector (which was turned into a semi-auto carbine, covered in greater detail on the relevant subpage). Both are fitted with a factory AR-15 stock adaptor, to which is attached a Magpul MOE fixed carbine stock; they were also initially fitted with non-removable vertical foregrips, until Update #52 made foregrips into attachments, and removed them from any weapons that initially had them.

Gen I TDI / KRISS USA Vector with EOTech sight and extended magazine - .45 ACP
Gen II KRISS USA Vector CRB Enhanced - .45 ACP / 9x19mm Parabellum
After buying his CRB, our resident mall ninja gets the feeling that he's missing something...
"What could it be, what could it be..."
"Oh, right. That's... kinda important."
Of note is the Vector's safety/fire selector setup:
The rear lever, manipulated with the firing hand, toggles between safe and whatever firemode is currently selected: here, semi-auto...
...here, 2-round burst...
...and here, full-auto.
Satisfied with his choice, the mall ninja loads in a "25+" magazine (which holds 25 rounds in-game, the lower end of the possible capacity range for these magazines).
He then pulls the Vector's distinctive folding charging handle...
...and spits fire into the darkness, the spent casings shimmering a dark, glossy black in the sparse lighting of the room, while the editor begins to realize that they're slowly becoming a drama novelist.
The normal, unshrouded version of the Vector, in a far less noir-inspiring setting.


Update #95 added this unusual submachine gun chambered in .25 ACP. It is based on a homemade .22 LR SMG seized by Finnish police, and thus lacks a proper name; as such, the modeler named it "Kuularuisku", a Finnish term that generally refers to either a machine gun or a ballpoint pen, and roughly translates to "ball hose".

Homemade submachine gun seized by Finnish police - .22 LR
Having misspelled the gun's name for the fourteenth time, a desperate bandit looks to the item spawner for guidance.
"Coo... coolah... coolarooeeskew?"

"Eh, close enough."
Locking the bolt handle back into the further-forward of its two safety notches; presumably, the weapon's creator cut the first notch, then realized that the recoil spring bottomed out before the bolt handle could actually reach it, and cut another notch that could be used properly.
Loading in a drum; each one of these holds 75 rounds of .25 ACP. Making a high-capacity drum magazine feed rimmed ammunition reliably is quite an impressive feat for a professional manufacturer, nevermind somebody working out of a machine shop somewhere in eastern Europe.
Pulling the bolt out of its locked position, and getting ready to do some damage.
Looking through the weapon's notch-and-post irons; simple, but effective.
Taking a closer look at the rear sight; while it would initially appear to be adjustable, a closer examination reveals that it lacks both range markings and stop notches, so there's neither a will nor a way to actually set the range. But hey, it's a homemade gun, so count your blessings - at least the sights actually line up.
Living up to the weapon's name, and hosing down a steel silhouette with some quarter-inch copper-and-lead balls; while its surprisingly low rate of fire (and its integral screwdriver-handle foregrip) make it relatively controllable, it can still bounce around a fair bit if you aren't ready for it.
Of course, what accessory could be more befitting of an improvised gun made of plumbing pipes and half a hardware store's worth of fasteners than a suppressor made out of an oil filter wrapped in duct tape? The duct tape probably isn't strictly necessary, but it gives you a better grip than just a rusty steel can, and hey, it looks cool.
Spraying down some clay pots with the suppressed ball-hose; a suppressor of this size blocks your sights, limiting your options for aiming to either tracers or guessing. While .25 ACP tracers aren't the most visible thing in the world, they're still the better choice by a considerable margin - you're still guessing, but you only have to guess once per pull of the trigger, and figure the rest out from there.

M1928 Thompson

Update #52's laundry list of new weapons included the M1928 Thompson submachine gun, complete with optional 50- or 100-round drum magazines.

M1928 Thompson with 50-round drum magazine - .45 ACP
Admiring the Thompson.
Locking back the bolt. H3 correctly shows that this is necessary in order to insert a drum magazine.
Loading in a 50-round drum.
"It's simple math, buddy. Twice the bullets, half the wiseguys. 's all there is to it."
Meanwhile, in a far more legal-looking environment, another M1928 gets examined. Here, the markings are on full display; despite the tendency of in-game models to have sanitized or obfuscated trademarks, the M1928 has a full, intact set on its receiver (which are substantially easier to read when this image is viewed at full size).
Also visible here is the Thompson's interesting selector arrangement: the rear lever determines whether or not the gun will do something when the trigger is pulled...
...while the front one determines just what that "something" is.
Aiming through the Thompson's notch-and-post sights (or at least attempting to); the flip-up adjustable rear ladder isn't usable in-game, though to be fair, it's not like there was ever any valid reason to use it in the first place.
In fact, considering the distances at which submachine guns are often used (especially in, shall we say, "dubiously legal" circumstances), there's a substantial group who'd argue that adjustable sights of any sort are a bit superfluous, let alone ones adjustable for both windage and distances in excess of a kilometer.

M1A1 Thompson

Added through Update #50, the classic M1A1 Thompson is usable.

M1A1 Thompson - .45 ACP
A Thompson in a weapon case, along with a magazine.
A good look at the weapon's model. The separate safety and fire selector are correctly simulated in-game; they are currently set to safe, as is the case when a weapon is first spawned. Also note the receiver's markings; the first line reads "THOMPSON SUBMACHINE GUN", the second "CALIBER .45 M1A1", and the third "NO. 287404".
Locking back the M1A1's bolt.
Attempting to line up the sights. "Attempting" being the key word here; the M1A1's heavy vertical recoil can make keeping it on target extremely challenging.
Removing an empty magazine, after a considerable amount of snowflake shooting. While it's not very visible here, the rounds do, in fact, visibly disappear from the indicator holes in the sides. Also note the floor being visible through the magazine well. This is not, as one may initially suspect, a missing texture; rather, it is actually a view through the ejection port.
Upon flipping the weapon over, one discovers that the aforementioned view through the ejection port is made possible by the Thompson's bolt hold-open; unlike many open-bolt firearms, if a Thompson is dry-fired with a magazine inserted (i.e. when the trigger is held after firing the last shot in full-auto), the bolt will not go forwards.
And, of course, what better way to celebrate the presence of bolt hold-open devices than to fire randomly at absolutely everything.

"Thompson MK-2"

A fictional modernized variant of the M1A1 (created by 3D artist Egor Protonov) is also available, albeit only as a rare drop in Take & Hold mode (using the "Ricky Dicky Random" setting, which makes all weapon purchases cost 3 Override Tokens, and completely randomizes their output). The "Thompson MK-2" (which is the modeler's name for it; due to how it must be obtained, it has no in-game name). It features polymer furniture, a top rail for optics, a vertical foregrip, a collapsible stock, and a mounting point for suppressors; interestingly enough, it also uses the same "10mm DSM" ammunition as the in-game LAPD 2019 Blaster, including the specialty types such as buckshot and fragmentation grenades, though it lacks the LAPD 2019's railgun-assisted mode, and its fully-automatic fire can make use of the "Prox-Mine" rounds into a death sentence for the user and anybody nearby.

After a great many failed attempts and prayers to RNGesus, the legendary Thompson MK-2 finally pops out of a crate. If there was any doubt, it says so on the receiver.
And on the wrist menu, but that's not visible here.
Turning off the safety; presumably through the use of futuristic technology we haven't discovered yet, switching from semi-auto to full-auto makes a clicking noise and leaves the lever exactly where it was.
Loading in a 30-round magazine of 10mm DSM ammo; these are "Slugger" (i.e. high-mass JHP) rounds, though that's not particularly visible from this angle.
Pulling back the charging handle; while it still fires from an open bolt, the MK-2 changes things up a bit by extending the bolt forward into a long rearward extension of the barrel, possibly implying the use of an API blowback system (Advanced Primer Ignition, wherein a round is fired before the bolt finishes moving forwards, forcing the energy of the shot to cancel out the bolt's forward momentum before it can be pushed backwards - this system is sometimes used in autocannons, the Oerlikon 20mm being a particularly noteworthy example) - this would help keep the rate of fire down, and reduce the bolt mass/recoil spring strength needed for what seems to be a very high-pressure round. It does not, however, explain what appears to be a gas tube mounted under the barrel.
Attempting to aim down the sights; sadly, despite having the rear sight protective "ears" of an M1A1, the MK-2 does not actually have a rear sight. Or a front one, for that matter.
And if you thought you could just point-shoot and correct by tracers or bullet impacts... yeah, no.
Suffice it to say, optics are all but mandatory. This DI Optical EG1 (simply called the "EG1" in-game) looks suitably futuristic.
There, much better! And, as a bonus, the greater height-over-bore brought about by the optic helps alleviate the muzzle flash issue a bit. A muzzle brake or suppressor would probably help more, but c'est la vie.
Pausing for a moment to adjust the stock; sadly, as much as it might look like one, the stock-adjustment notches are not actually a Picatinny rail, and thus cannot support attachments. Now might also be a good time to point out that the bottom rail doesn't work either, being the host of a permanently-affixed vertical foregrip.
Dumping out an empty magazine; like the M1A1 upon which it was based, the MK-2 has an automatic bolt hold-open, so all that's required from here is to shove in a new mag and go to town.
If you wish to level said town, then said new mag can be filled up with Prox-Mine ammo.
Which, as mentioned in the introductory paragraph, isn't the greatest idea - among the things that can trigger a deployed mine are other, still-flying mines, as well as shrapnel from an exploding mine, making chain reactions like this rather common.

M3 "Grease Gun"

Along with the Thompson, Update #50 added the M3 "Grease Gun" to H3.

M3 "Grease Gun" - .45 ACP
The M3 Grease Gun, attempting to blend in with the foam lining of its weapon case.
Loading a magazine into the M3.
Popping open the dustcover.
Operating the M3's unusual cocking lever; the later M3A1 would replace this with a hole in the bolt for the user to stick their finger into.
"Greasing" the snowy landscape.
Aiming through the M3's sights. The relatively clear sight picture, coupled with the low rate of fire, make this weapon rather easy to keep on target.

Suppressed M3

Update #51 added a variant with the OSS-type integral suppressor; while this isn't necessarily impossible, suppressors were more common on the later M3A1 variant. This choice was likely made to reuse most of the existing M3 model. The update also made the previously permanently-collapsed stock extendable.

M3 "Grease Gun" with integral suppressor - .45 ACP
Loading a magazine into the suppressed M3. The cloth wrapping that is normally present on the suppressor is absent from the in-game model.
Cocking the M3, showing that this isn't an M3A1 like the reference image above.
Opening fire on the bullseye.
Meanwhile, out in the Proving Grounds, another suppressed M3 pops up on a table.
And just in time, too, to show off the now-actually-extendable extendable stock.
Ignoring the stock and attempting to use it one-handed, with... predictable levels of accuracy.
30 misses later, and we get a nice, close look at the Grease Gun's innards. Simple stuff, really.

"Lil' Greasy"

Update #84 (the 2019 Meatmas update) brought players several new gifts; the smallest of these was "Lil' Greasy", a shrunken-down version of the M3 classified as a machine pistol, with an ambidextrous charging handle, no stock, and a proportionally-shorter barrel. The weapon is a design from 3D artist Pavel Kutejnikov, who named it simply "Submachine Gun".

"Okay, kids, we can take him home, but you'll have to clean up after him."
"But not before we get him to a vet - if the polyhandyly is any indication, he's probably inbred, and he definitely hasn't had his shots yet."
Disengaging the dustcover/safety, just like on the full-sized version; after all, they're mechanically identical - this one's just a little bit smaller.
Loading in a magazine; these hold 20 rounds of .45 ACP apiece.
Pulling the cocking handle. Which one? Take a guess.
Aiming at a crystal snowflake; the sights are much the same as the normal Grease Gun, with a thick front blade and a large rear aperture.
Firing off a few shots; another common feature between Lil' Greasy and its less-lil' counterpart is a low rate of fire, so spent casings rarely share screentime.
Pulling out an empty magazine.
"Aww, doesn't he look so cute in his little costume?"
"He sure does - I love it as much as he probably hates it. Let's take a picture before he destroys the couch."


Along with some new features in Take & Hold mode, Update #50 added the MAC-10 to H3, complete with a cloth strap foregrip; a Sionics suppressor and a shrouded barrel extension (which, in another new feature, was made into a grabbable part) are also available options.

Ingram MAC-10 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Inspecting the MAC-10.
The biggest of the boxy bois.
Loading in a magazine - being meant for .45 ACP, this holds 30 rounds.
Pulling back the cocking handle, and revealing a surprisingly detailed interior.
Pushing the safety switch forward...
...and flipping the fire selector around to full-auto.
Opening up the stock is done in two stages: here, the buttplate is being unfolded.
And here, the stock itself is being extended. These don't have to be done in any particular order; if you want to, you can half-unfold the buttplate, pull the stock a third of the way out, re-fold the buttplate, pull the stock two-thirds of the way out, push it back to a quarter extension, seven-thirty-thirds-unfold the buttplate, twenty-one-and-third-thirty-seconds extend the stock, and just leave it there.
With no real way to prove that that isn't the way the stock is now, a not-particularly-sneaky operator puts a Sosig's head under the sights...
...and mildly confuses him.
Having somehow cleared out the rest of Anton's apartment, the operator folds the stock back up, blasts some 90s gangster rap, and does the world's most stationary drive-by on some glass bottles wearing rival colors.
MAC-10 with Sionics Two-Stage Sound Suppressor - .45 ACP
Striving to be sneakier, the operator does a bit of impromptu cropdusting through a 2-stage Sionics can.
MAC-10 with detachable barrel extension - .45 ACP
"But what if I wanna hold it out here?"
Sadly, the two are, in fact, mutually exclusive - after all, the shrouded extension isn't threaded, nevermind that the extension's muzzle is too wide to fit into the suppressor in the first place.
An operator can dream, though. An operator can dream.


The MAC-11 is one of the available firearms in-game, having been added to the game in its infancy - all the way back in Update #4. Accordingly, it was the game's first open-bolt weapon, and the only one at all until the class was overhauled in Update #49.

RPB Industries M11A1 - .380 ACP
Having felt that his life was missing a bit of bees, our nameless, handless, faceless, intangible, and generally nonexistent protagonist decides to remedy this problem, with the aid of 32 .380 ACP rounds.
Admiring the now-loaded bee machine.
Pulling back the charging handle...
...before looking at the other side. This shows off the weapon's open-bolt nature; the MAC-11 was the first open bolt weapon in H3, and the only one until the addition of the Sten a whopping 45 updates later.
Upon attempting to fire the MAC-11, our favorite literally nobody finds it distinctly lacking in apodiean output; a close look at the left side reveals the culprit: the ever-nefarious safety lever. This view also shows off the markings on the side; in addition to the "SAFE" and "FIRE" markings at the front, and the largely correct logo at the rear, the markings under the ejection port are legible, and read "INGER M11. CAL 9MM AUTO" on the first line, "MILITARY ARMAMENT CORP" on the second, and "POWDER SPRINGS GA, USA" on the third.
Having remedied the above issue, our protagonist finally gets the satisfying sound that he oh-so desired.
One empty magazine (and one ventilated target) later, our hero belatedly realizes that this would've made actually firing the MAC-11 considerably easier.
The 2nd alpha build of Update #76 added something new to the MAC: with the addition of wobbly, free-moving firearm parts came the addition of the Ingram series' distinctive front strap grip (which is hanging slightly backwards here; the presumptive reason that it's not hanging sideways is that it fills the entirety of the front sling ring (and is perhaps a bit over-starched), while the practical reason is that H3's engine only supports wobbly bits that wobble along one axis at a time).


Added through Update #50, the iconic MP40 is available for use in H3VR; a later update made the folding stock usable, much to the joy of everyone who'd actually tried to use it any other way prior.

MP40 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The MP40, sitting pretty in a weapon case.
Loading a fresh magazine into the MP40.
Locking the bolt into the safety notch.
Aiming the MP40 at a crystal snowflake.
Making this idyllic scene a whole lot less so, with the aid of 32 rounds of 9x19mm.
Popping open the stock; at full size, a small stamping of an eagle can be seen on the stock; this is a particular type of proofmark known as a Waffenamt, used to denote acceptance into German military service during the Nazi era.
When fully extended, the stock looks like this.
It's not particularly necessary, though; considering just how little it kicks, the MP40 can be used reasonably effectively with one point of contact, nevermind 3.

Owen Submachine Gun

The Owen Submachine Gun (specifically the MkI/42) was added on Day 15 of the Meatmas 2022 Advent Calendar event.

Owen Mk I/42 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The Owen in its respective box; if the finned barrel, solid lower receiver, and wireframe stock didn't tip you off that this is an early-production MkI/42 model, the production date should do the trick.
Getting a closer look; the parkerized finish implies a post-war refurbishment, as wartime guns were instead camouflage-painted at the factory. Yes, all of them.
Seemingly in an attempt to emulate this, the in-game Owen features a green-painted receiver tube and magazine well; some examples have turned up painted in a similar shade of solid green (as opposed to the more commonly-seen green and yellow), though this paint is generally applied to most or all of the gun, implying that this particular one may have been re-built from parts of differently-refurbished guns.
Loading in a magazine; since loading from the top apparently wasn't idiosyncratic enough, these mags hold precisely thirty-three rounds.
Pulling the cocking handle. It's normally a pretty simple operation - the placement's not entirely typical, but no more awkward than, say, a Suomi KP/-31 - but trying to get bolt movement in the same shot when the gun ejects downwards isn't the easiest thing in the world.
Flipping the selector over to semi-auto...
...and the wielder's neck over the gun. For reasons best known to itself, the Owen's sights are on the right side of the receiver, making using them as a right-hander a bit awkward.
Especially given that the game tracks the position of the user's "shoulders" relative to their head, so excessive neck-craning can lead to the game treating the gun as free-floating, with a corresponding increase in recoil.
To increase recoil further, simply click the switch a bit further up.
Sadly, not even switching to left-handed operation makes this mode effective against trains. Though it does at least give a decent view of the charging handle, provided you're willing to sacrifice actually aiming.
For the stiff-necked, right-handed, aim-obsessed submachine gunners out there (or those who simply can't stand top-mounted magazines), there is one other option.
It also works for those aiming to create a fancy little fountain of brass. Tip from someone who's had a spent case go down their shirt: don't stand under this fountain; it will not end well.


The second of Update #52's 3 C96 variants is a derivative of the Schnellfeuer, and a rather curious one at that: a Brazilian PASAM submachine gun, modified with a top rail and a Vz. 61 Skorpion-esque top-folding stock.

The model itself is a publicly-available 3D asset by weapon artist Stefan Engdahl, going by the name "Mauser Assault Carbine" and sold on CG Trader alongside all the other C96 variants seen in-game as the "Mauser Pistol Pack." It is a strange hybrid which appears to be based on a photograph of a converted airsoft gun, with a standard C96 pistol grip like a Mod 1 PASAM but the barrel shroud attached to the top of the magazine housing rather than all along it, with a vaguely Thompson-like foregrip which is not really like either PASAM variant, and the folding wire stock which no variant had (the 2nd variant of the PASAM only had a fixed wire stock). On ArtStation, Engdahl acknowledged that it's a modification of his Mauser M712 model he made for fun.

PASAM Mod 1 - 7x63x25mm Mauser
Behold, the PASAM...ish.
Unfolding the stock.
With that sorted, it's time to load in a magazine...
...chamber a round...
...and open fire.
Through the power of subsequent updates, the Mauser Assault Carbine would later receive the same adjustable rear sight as the other C96 variants - 50 meters to 500, in increments of 50.
Along with proper set of 3 firemodes - all the rounds, one of them, or (shown here) none at all.

PP-19-01 Vityaz-SN

Complimenting the earlier-added PP-19 Bizon, the PP-19-01 Vityaz-SN was added in Update #100's fourth alpha.

PP-19-01 Vityaz-SN with Zenit accessories - 9x19mm Parabellum
Chilling out in the Proving Grounds with a shiny new - "hey, wait a minute. Where'd the stock go?"
"Oh, there it is."
While the basic Vityaz has a standard AKS-74-style triangular folding stock, the SN variant replaces this with an improved Zenit stock that can be adjusted for length of pull.
And, y'know, unfolded to actually make that useful.
Loading in a magazine; these hold 30 rounds, and fit into absolutely nothing else.
Being an AK variant, disengaging the safety comes before chambering a round; it's been flipped to semi-auto here to minimize the potential consequences of this.
With the entire concept of safety out of the way, the charging handle is free to run back and forth with as many pairs of scissors as it likes.
Giving the sights a try; for all its modernity, the Vityaz-SN still features the classic AK tangent sights. Over 70 years, and still going strong.
Firing, and getting about as much recoil as you'd expect from a modern SMG in semi-auto; the muzzle brake does a decent job of exaggerating the muzzle flash (mostly by redirecting it to somewhere the sights won't block).
Adjusting the aforementioned tangent sights; these go out to 300 meters in 50-meter increments, which is double what the earlier Bizon can do - and arguably a bit optimistic for a 9x19mm SMG.
Getting back into the spirit of this modern, tactical SMG with a proper tactical reload.
And then taking it... perhaps a bit too far. These attachments all came along with the Vityaz; the drum is the only pure work of fiction here (seemingly being a Suomi KP/-31 drum with a Vityaz-style feed tower, in a similar vein to the numerous other modifications of Suomi drums to fit different magazine wells), with the "RKO" foregrip being a Zenit RK-0, the "Mk. 2 Hex Suppressor" being one of Hexagon Tactical's offerings, the "Perst3" laser being a Zenitco Perst-3 (in keeping with the tendency of item names in H3 to omit spaces and punctuation), and the "PK120" being a Valday PK-120 (see previous note).
Aiming through the latter of these attachments, with the effect of the penultimate one also being visible...
...before forgoing the reflex sight entirely, flipping over to full-auto, and demonstrating to a hapless Sosig that the leg meta still applies to things that don't have legs.

PP-19 Bizon-2

The PP-19 Bizon-2 is one of the available firearms in-game. It was added in Update #18; upon its release, it was permanently fitted with a side-mounted Picatinny rail adaptor, but this was made into an attachment in Update #40. Originally chambered in 9x19mm Parabellum (with a corresponding 53-round capacity), it was later made into the 9x18mm version with a 64-round capacity.

PP-19 Bizon-2 - 9x18mm Makarov
All 4 of Update #18's additions conveniently laid out on a table, with the Bizon at the far left.
Taking a look at one of the Bizon's distinctive helical magazines. The ribbed design of these, along with certain features of the gun itself, help distinguish this particular Bizon as a later -2 model.
Loading the aforementioned magazine into the gun.
Remember, kids: always be sure to check your Russian submachine guns to make sure that there isn't any leftover communism stuck in there. Even if they were first produced in the nineties, you still can't be sure unless you check.
A closeup of the muzzle end of the PP-19. This shows off both the muzzle brake and the position of the front magazine catch, both of which further peg it as a Bizon-2.
A cursory glance at the selector switch reveals that it's set to semi-auto. But why would you do that...
...when you could set it to full-auto?
Racking the charging handle.
Aiming; the rail bracket makes this a bit more difficult, though not necessarily impossible. It also makes it distinctly more difficult (though, again, still possible) to see the redesigned sights of the Bizon-2.
Pulling the Bizon's trigger, which causes it to somewhat anemically cough up a steady stream of spent brass.
Reviewing the resultant grouping; considering the distance, it's not great, but then again, who needs accuracy when you've got volume of fire?
Folding up the stock...
...which makes the already compact weapon even shorter.
Unfortunately, the rail bracket ruins things once again; its presence prevents the stock from actually folding all the way.
Update #40's blessing: a clean, smooth Bizon, free of the shackles of mandatory rail mounts.
Celebrating this inclusion with a demonstration of the PP-19's interesting star-shaped muzzle flash. And a demonstration of how not to use a shooting range.
Another perk of this change was the ability to fold the Bizon's stock all the way, finally letting the stud sticking out the left side of the receiver serve its intended purpose.
Even later on, the Bizon got another improvement: adjustable sights, with 3 settings at 50, 100, and 150 meters - not much, but plenty enough for the sort of engagements that the Bizon is actually useful in.


The PP-2000 is one of the many firearms added in the 1st Meatmas update; it is categorized as a PDW.

PP-2000 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the left side of the PP-2000...
...and the right side.
Loading in a 44-round magazine. Sadly, this can't be used as a stock, seeing as the PP-2000 in-game already has one.
Pulling back the rather G36-esque folding charging handle.
Taking not-really-aim...
...and firing anyways.
Dropping an empty magazine out of the PP-2000. But wait, what's that?
Why, it's a suppressor! One specifically meant for this weapon, in fact! And of course, that leaves only one thing to do...
...fire the weapon again, but this time at a neck-craningly impossible cinematic angle!

PP-91 Kedr

The PP-91 Kedr is one of the available firearms in-game, categorized as a PDW. It was added in Update #19; Update #24 gave it some changes, including a 2-setting rear sight and a side-mounted Picatinny rail.

PP-91 Kedr - 9x18mm Makarov
While going through the new lineup, always be sure to have a look at the machine pistols on offer.
Also be sure to unfold their stocks.
And to chamber them.
And, of course to take some time to admire them.
How wonderfully simple.
Don't forget to switch them from "Safe"...
...to "something in Cyrillic that probably means semi-auto"...
...to "something else in Cyrillic that probably means full-auto".
Aiming; this would be far more conducive to actually hitting something were the post visible through the rear sight actually the front sight post, and not the front sight's left protective ear.
Not that that ever stopped anyone from trying.
Taking a look at Update #24's, well, updates...
...these being an optional aperture setting for the rear sight...
...and a somewhat oddly-placed rail. While it might not seem terribly useful, it makes a great spot for lights and lasers, and the game's canted rail adapters can be used to turn it into a top rail for optics.
And, years later, Update #87 updated the Kedr once more, allowing its stock to properly unfold all the way.


The iconic PPSh-41 submachine gun was added through Update #50, and is capable of using either 35-round box magazines or 71-round drums.

PPSh-41 - 7.62x25mm Tokarev
The PPSh in a weapon case, along with both of its optional magazines. The 35-round box magazine isn't unusually short; it's just clipping through the front of the case, due to a physics engine bug.
Loading a box magazine into the PPSh. Note the fire selector, currently set to semi-auto.
Pulling back the bolt.
Aiming at a snowflake. The fine front sight is nice for aiming, but can be hard to make out on some backgrounds.
Loading in a 71-round drum.
Firing a definitely-necessary-and-not-in-any-way-excessive amount of rounds at a snowflake.


A fictional version of the PPSh (created by 3D artist Pavel Kutejnikov), also added through Update #50, this weapon is seemingly intended as a modernized variant of the original 1941 design (which, if the name is anything to go by, was designed in 2014).

The "PPSh-14" in its weapon case.
Loading in a drum magazine. The drums that this variant comes with are slightly smaller than the standard ones, and slightly different in appearance.
A good side-on look at the PPSh-14. The odd pseudo-pistol-grip stock is rather reminiscent of some Archangel stocks.
Pulling back the bolt.
Firing the PPSh, now fitted with an Aimpoint-esque tube reflex sight.
Firing the PPSh again, this time aiming through the aforementioned sight. The previous shot was actually also taken while aiming; it does not appear so due to the fact that recordings and screenshots of Vive gameplay on Unity can only be viewed from the left eye.
This shot, on the other hand, is most definitely of unaimed fire.
Oh, yeah, and the muzzle flash is blue for some reason.
Figured it was worth pointing out.

"QC9 PDW" (Custom 9mm AR-15)

Added through Update #46, the "QC9 PDW" is an AR-15-patterned submachine gun (categorized as a PDW in-game, predictably enough) chambered in 9x19mm. It appears to consist of a QC10 Colt-magazine-compatible 9mm lower, a VLTOR upper, and a Magpul MOE stock and pistol grip, among other things; it was formerly fitted with a vertical grip, but this was later removed and made into an optional attachment. In-game, it can take 3 types of magazines- a 32-round Colt-pattern stick magazine, a 32-round "waffle"-pattern polymer stick magazine, or an X-Products X-15 50-round drum magazine.

Custom AR-15 SMG with Quarter Circle 10 lower receiver and VLTOR MUR upper receiver - 9x19mm Parabellum. Image provided to show the QC10 lower receiver and VLTOR upper receiver.
A good look at the QC9.
Extending the QC9's stock. Until the release of a later update, this was largely for aesthetic purposes, seeing as the stock didn't serve any real function.
A selection of magazines- the Colt-pattern metal magazine, the "waffle" polymer magazine, and the X-15 drum magazine.
Charging the QC9, loaded with a 32-round Colt-pattern magazine.
Firing the QC9, fitted with a red-dot sight; the weapon lacks any sort of sights by default.
Loading in an X-Products drum magazine.
Firing the QC9, now fitted with the aforementioned drum magazine, along with a SilencerCo suppressor. Note that the ejected case has an unstruck primer; this was an issue with all but a few of the game's cartridges until a large-scale overhaul over the course of several updates a few years later.


Update #103 introduced a weapon that defies most normal firearm categories; Rosie is cartridge-firing rivet gun that is categorized as a "heavy submachine gun", and was added as part of the Engineer's kit in Meat Fortress. While most rivet guns are pneumatically powered, Rosie is based off of a Remington Stud Driver Model 450, which used .32 caliber blanks to drive nails. Rosie deviates from this by being a magazine-fed, fully-automatic weapon; it also lacks a muzzle safety, since it is explicitly intended to be as unsafe as possible for anyone in front of the muzzle.

Remington Stud Driver Model 450 - .32 blank cartridge
And here's Rosie, looking pretty for the camera.
Rosie the Rivet Gun's other side; the dark hole on the bottom of the receiver is an ejection port, and that sentence is exactly why we're not going to talk about Rosie as if it were a person in this section.
Peering at one of Rosie's 30-round magazines before loading it in; unlike most conventional powder-driven nail drivers (which use separate blank charges and nails), Rosie uses self-contained cartridges with both a charge and a projectile, the resulting round somewhat resembling a scaled-down version of the SPP-1's underwater dart cartridge. This round is simply called "5mm Rivet" in-game; 5mm is presumably the diameter of the rivet's base, since the case itself looks a fair bit larger.
Loading the magazine in, and pulling the charging handle; the former action causes the hinged component in front of the magwell (presumably a combination magazine catch/dust cover) to snap forward, while the latter allows for the front portion of the bolt (most likely a telescoped weight, akin to a Walther MPK or similar SMG) to be seen moving through the cutouts up front.
Preparing to do some precise door maintenance; while it doesn't have sights per se, the pair of lined-up flathead screws on the top of Rosie's receiver do make a decent substitute.
Firing an extremely important rivet into the middle of a wooden door; the lights on the back of Rosie's receiver are a loaded chamber indicator (presumably associated with the wire on the weapon's right side), with the green light turning on whenever a round is chambered, and the red light turning on whenever one isn't - as can be seen here, simply being midway through a cycle of its action counts as not having a round chambered, causing the lights to rapidly flash on and off while firing.
Taking a close look at a spent case; this endeavor is aided by the (former) presence of a rather strange bug wherein spent 5mm Rivet cases would become locked in place if picked up and dropped. Like the rest of the Meat Fortress ammo types, its primer is appropriately struck.
Having successfully secured the door to itself 30 times, the magazine runs empty; the magazine's follower is noteworthy, as dynamic magazine followers were another feature introduced to certain magazines in Update #103.
Replacing the empty box magazine with Rosie's other magazine type, a Trommelmagazin 08-esque "snail drum" - after all, if 30 rivets isn't enough to get the job done, then 60 should be.
And if 60's not enough, why not try 120? Aside from being a rather spectacular OSHA violation, this shot shows off the weapon's action rather well; while the Remington's distinctive spring-loaded muzzle was part of a safety system (preventing the weapon from firing unless pushed into a surface, to prevent pretty much exactly this), Rosie's instead reciprocates when firing, implying a recoil-operated design with a separate barrel return spring.

Saab Bofors Dynamics CBJ-MS

The Saab Bofors Dynamics CBJ-MS was added on Day 8 of the Meatmas 2022 Advent Calendar event.

Saab Bofors Dynamics CBJ-MS - 6.5x25mm CBJ-MS
For Day 8, we received a funky little PDW from the glory days of Y2K.
Examining the small, simple, stamped Swedish subgun.
Fun fact: with the stock collapsed, it fits almost perfectly into a 1920x1020 frame.
Shifting it into widescreen mode...
...and yanking the conspicuously Nerf-esque rear cocking knob. Unusually for a 21st-century SMG, the CBJ-MS fires from an open bolt.
Disengaging the simple crossbolt safety.
Loading in a 30-round magazine; this is full of 9x19mm Parabellum ammo, one of the CBJ's two optional calibers - its other, more specialized chambering, 6.5x25mm CBJ-MS, was planned, but not initially implemented due to the issues with adding new ammo types during the event (namely, it would require a main-branch update to make the ammo spawnable, and would likely spoil the gun's addition if added sooner).
If the foregrip looks conspicuously similar to the pistol grip, that's because it is - a second magazine can be stored in it, for ease of access.
It also serves as a visual metaphor for how close I am to my limit.
Aiming at a steel plate; the irons are relatively clear, though the short sight radius makes them easy to misalign.
Spraying some rounds into a tree.
If 30 rounds (or the next 30) don't do the trick, Saab has a solution for you: a 100-round helical drum magazine - sadly, these can't (or, at least, shouldn't) be paired up in the foregrip slot, for reasons that should be relatively obvious. Here, it's been paired with a muzzle-mounted bipod to serve as an ersatz LSW; this is an actual configuration offered for the weapon, though the in-game bipod is a fictional folding design (serving as a universal attachment) rather than the CBJ's proprietary fixed bipod, due to non-foldable bipods not existing as an in-game system yet.
Hosing down a sign with tracers. The M145 Machine Gun Optic isn't strictly necessary, but helps drive home the whole "machine gun" part of this particular submachine gun just a bit more.
Later on, the CBJ-MS gained its specialty suppressor, along with its proprietary 6.5mm Swedish ammo (no, not that 6.5mm Swedish ammo); the rounds shown here are, from right to left, hollow-point (self-explanatory), High Energy Transfer (the default ammo type, effectively an FMJ with some mild AP capabilities of its own), frangible (a round meant to shatter inside the target, minimizing overpenetration and improving energy transfer at the cost of piercing ability - a bit like a diet hollow-point), and the main attraction, armor-piercing (a 4mm tungsten penetrator core in a discarding plastic sabot).
Putting the latter ammo type to good use against a steel-armored Sosig; this also shows off the fully-modeled primer dents of the new ammo model; a later update would add these to its original 9x19mm ammunition as well.
The zippy little tungsten cores can even pierce the fearsome armor of Sosigs' ballistic shields; they cannot, however, go through both that and the torso armor behind it, restricting the practical utility of this ability to allowing kills with headshots that don't quite make it through the vision slit. Alternatively, the CBJ's quick fire rate, manageable recoil, and substantial damage dealt to pierced armor means that it can simply brute-force its way through the shield, proving once and for all that the number of licks required to get to the center of a Trampské-Pop is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, no more than 30.

Sa vz. 61 Skorpion

The Sa vz. 61 Skorpion is available in H3, having been added with the M.E.A.T.S. gamemode in Update #37 under the machine pistol class. The one in-game has a bit of an identity crisis; it's visually a vz. 61, complete with curved magazines, but it's referred to as a Vz. 64, and is accordingly chambered in .380 ACP. Much later, in the first alpha build of Update #107, this was corrected - it is now properly referred to as a vz. 61, and is accordingly chambered in .32.

Sa vz. 61 Skorpion - .32 ACP
Having grown somewhat bored of overly flashy modified Berettas, our action hero decides to switch over to 1960's-vintage machine pistols.
Firing the Vz. 61.
Of course, being that two is one and one is none, another Skorpion is loaded up...
...and chambered.
Our action hero then opens fire, determined to clear out the lobby.
Meanwhile, in a completely different place at a time that isn't actually meanwhile, someone who isn't an action hero shows off a feature of the Skorpion that was added later:
The stock.
It's not much - little more than a bent piece of wire - but it's still nice to have.
It also makes aiming a bit easier - more due to its absence from the sight picture than its presence as a stabilizer, but again, it's still convenient. Besides, what more do you expect from a .32 submachine gun meant to be stuffed into tank crewmen's holsters?
Speaking of the stock, here's what it was supposed to look like; as it did for the PP-91 Kedr, Update #87 fixed a long-standing issue where the Skorpion's stock didn't unfold all the way.

SITES Spectre M4

The 17th day of the Meatmas 2018 event added a SITES Spectre M4 submachine gun to H3's roster.

SITES Spectre M4 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The Spectre M4 in its gift box.
Taking a close look at one of the weapon's magazines. The wide, bulky design is part of what makes the Spectre unique; its use of quad-stacked "casket"-type magazines allows it to hold more rounds in a magazine of a given length than a traditional submachine gun with double-stacked magazines. This particular magazine, about the length of a typical SMG's 30-rounder, carries an impressive 50 rounds.
Loading in the aforementioned and aforedescribed magazine...
...and then pulling the charging handle. This is another somewhat unusual feature of the Spectre; while most submachine guns of this period were open-bolt (the famous MP5 being a notable exception), the M4 instead fires from a closed bolt, using an interesting linear striker setup (which is, amusingly enough, not at all unlike the conversions of open-bolt submachine guns to closed-bolt semi-autos seen on the US civilian market - take, for example, the TEC-9).
All sibling debates about who was looking at whose half of the screen aside, there is another important matter to address:
The safety. The Spectre has separate switches for its safety and fire selector; by default, the former is set to safe, while the latter is somewhat unusually set to full-auto.
Taking aim at a distant target; this really isn't the sort of engagement that the Spectre was designed for.
This issue is only exacerbated by its high rate of fire; furthermore, the in-game weapon lacks its factory folding stock, making it all but entirely uncontrollable in full-auto unless an aftermarket stock is affixed.
Taking one last forlorn look at the Spectre, before letting it finally pass on to the next life in peace.


Another weapon added with the "Meat Fortress" crossover event with Team Fortress 2 is the Sniper's "SMG", a fictional weapon resembling a cross between a MAT-49 (front sight, general profile) and an M1A1 Thompson (charging handle/bolt, rear sight). Update #89 added an additional variant, known as the "Bushranger's Boon"; compared to the standard SMG, it has a different set of sights, a ventilated barrel shroud, a MAC-10-like front grip strap, a higher cyclic rate of fire, and an M1A1 Carbine-esque folding stock. The update also added a 45-round drum magazine (usable in both variants, though it comes standard with the Boon) and two additional ammo types.

MAT-49 - 9x19mm Parabellum
M1A1 Thompson - .45 ACP
Put the two together (along with some ideas that're either original or haven't been figured out yet), and you wind up with this thing. Neat, huh?
The other side of the submachine gun; note the odd placement of the ejection port behind the magazine well, rather than in line with it as is commonly the case. This may have been a simple stylistic choice, or it may possibly have been the result of someone misinterpreting the MAT-49's ejection port dustcover as the ejection port itself.
Either way, it's a great way of viewing the weapon's bolt, which now visibly moves, and has a modeled head to facilitate its use in VR.
It also allows one to see clean through the receiver with the bolt pulled back; considering how this incarnation (unlike its original one) is depicted as being open-bolt, this is generally more often than not.
Loading in a magazine. As in the source material, these hold 25 rounds a pop; before the "12x32mm Dingowhomper" cartridge was implemented, its placeholder caliber of choice is, of all things, .50 Action Express.
This, needless to say, makes the gun kick rather heavily. Tracers are all but mandatory, especially if you want to use it one-handed. Which you all do.
Aiming; befitting of a game with no iron-sight mechanics (if a bit less so for a weapon used exclusively by the Sniper), the sights don't really make a whole lot of sense, being a hooded front post and a set of rear adjustment wheel without an actual notch or aperture or anything else of the sort.
Well, sometimes you've just gotta work with what you've got - an approximate sight picture can be had by lining up the rear sight wings with the edges of the front sight hood, though vertical alignment is anybody's guess. Also note the jiggleboned sling hook at the rear of the receiver. Not really relevant to the discussion at hand, but I couldn't think of any better place to point it out.
Peering into a loaded magazine for the SMG, showing off the bottlenecked profile of the 12x32mm Dingowhomper round. Whether or not a round that large would even qualify as pistol ammunition anymore is debatable.
The SMG is another one of the TF2 firearms capable of taking suppressors, as seen here with this "Medium B" Maxim Silencer, the "B" bit denoting that it has an adaptor on the end. This adaptor apparently wasn't designed with the SMG's flared-out muzzle in mind, since most of it fits inside, and a small piece at the bottom clips through.
This one, on the other hand, was designed with the SMG in mind. The Update #83-added design matches the weapon's parkerized finish and seats snugly into its muzzle; visually, it resembles a heavily-squashed version of the 2-stage Sionics suppressor for the MAC-10.

"Bushranger's Boon"

While everybody else is fighting and dying in the Meat Fortress arena proper, the Sniper decides to play around with his new toy.
Of course, the stock's not just for show; grab the end and (slowly) pull to give yourself an L-gun!
Or, y'know, a functional stock. If you're into that sort of thing.
Loading in a drum magazine full of "Bushfire" ammo, distinguished by its flat white tip.
Locking back the bolt; like the standard SMG, the Bushranger's Boon is open-bolt. Also note the grip strap, which tends to clip into the magazine when the gun is pointed upwards.
Looking through the new sights; the front sight features a smaller, non-circular hood, while the rear sight has an actual notch to line it up with.
Then again, it's a submachine gun with 45 rounds of incendiary tracer ammo, so aiming isn't the most crucial thing in the world.
Popping out an empty drum; this shows the other effect of the Bushfire ammo, that being the smoke clouds it produces on impact (allowing for the creation of impromptu smokescreens with a quick burst, or for simple confusion of enemies under fire). Given its properties, it's probably white phosphorus-based. Not like you have to worry about the Geneva Conventions in a war over gravel, after all.
Replacing the drum with one of the standard SMG's 25-round box magazines; this is filled with "Funnel Spider" ammo, which looks rather like a modern defensive handgun load.
At least, it does until you fire it. The Funnel Spider load is meant more for the standard SMG (which fills a more PDW-ish role than the offense-oriented Boon), being a short-range tracer buckshot round; it doesn't do all that much damage, but it also requires next to no aiming to use, making it good for suppressing a close-in enemy and running away screaming like a little girl making a quick tactical retreat.

Sten Mk. II

Update #49 added the Sten Mk II submachine gun, which marks the first time since the introduction of the MAC-11 that an open-bolt weapon was added to H3VR. Notably, the weapon's secondary grip zone (where the user's non-firing hand goes) is around the barrel shroud, meaning that the game only allows the proper two-handed grip with the secondary hand around the barrel shroud, the improper magazine grip disallowed. There is also another variation, the so-called "Mk. 9 Chopshop" variant, with a shortened barrel and a cut-down stock.

Sten Mk II - 9x19mm Parabellum
The answer to the age-old question of "How little gun can you have while still having a gun?"
The weapon's other side.
Drawing back the Sten's bolt. This isn't where it rests when cocked; this is just as far back as it can be pulled.
Loading in a 32-round magazine. The update also added 16-round options.
A closeup of the ejection port, showing the magazine lined up and ready to feed cartridges.
Locking the bolt into the safety notch. This is really the only safety mechanism that the Sten has; all it does is stop the bolt from moving forwards.
Aiming through the Sten's simple aperture/post sights...
...before saying "to hell with it" and unloading full-auto from the hip.

"Mk. 9 Chopshop"

Correction: this is the least amount of gun one can have while still technically having a gun.
After shrugging and deciding that a bare minimum amount of gun is at least better than no gun at all, the invisible point-holder loads in a magazine. Note the white tips of the rounds; these show that they are armor-piercing incendiary(!) rounds.
Firing the truncated Sten one-handed at some bots. With the stock being all but entirely removed, it's now anybody's guess as to the correct way to fire it. Then again, that statement makes the rather bold assumption that anything "correct" can be done with a sawn-off Sten.
Correct or not, the "Mk. 9 Chopshop" Sten is at least handy for closer-than-preferable encounters.

Sten Mk. V

Along with the Mk. II, Update #49 added the Sten Mk V, a later, more refined version of the Sten.

Sten Mk. V - 9x19mm Parabellum
It may be more expensive than the earlier version, but at least now it's clear how it's supposed to be held.
A closeup of the muzzle, showing the wooden vertical foregrip and the Lee-Enfield-type front sight.
A look at the other side reveals the first of 32 9x19mm rounds ready to be fired.

Sten Mk. VI

The integrally suppressed variant of the Mk. V, the Sten Mk VI, is available as well.

Sten Mk. VI(S) - 9x19mm Parabellum
A weapon for the strong, silent type. Or for SOE operatives.
Firing the Mk. VI. Note the somewhat worrying lack of a front sight.
Much later, in Update #100's sixth alpha, this issue was finally fixed.

Steyr MP34

The final SMG added to the game by Update #50 is the Steyr MP34.

Steyr MP34 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Loading a magazine into the MP34.
Taking in the beauty of an inter-war submachine gun.
Pointing the MP34 at a target. This endeavor would prove fruitless, seeing as the weapon isn't cocked.
Remedying the aforementioned issue.
Firing the MP34 properly...
...and improperly.
Adjusting the MP34's rear sight; being a fancy interwar SMG built with rifle-like sensibilities (read: before everyone realized that a functional SMG can be made from a few springs and some plumbing parts), its sights are adjustable out to 500 meters in 50-meter increments. For all the times when you'll need that.

Suomi KP/-31

Added on the 12th day of the 2018 Meatmas update, the Suomi KP/-31 holds the distinction of being H3's first Finnish submachine gun.

Suomi KP/-31 - 9x19mm Parabellum
A Suomi, fresh out of the icebox, and ready for use in the ice... ball.
Cutting right to the chase, and loading in a 71-round drum magazine.
Cutting right back out of the chase for a minute, in order to fully appreciate the KP/-31. Not every day that you see a submachine gun longer than an M4A1, and over half again as heavy to boot.
Flipping the carbine-sized SMG over reveals the somewhat unusual locations of the charging handle and the selector lever.
Pulling back the former. While placing the cocking handle so far back might seem awkward, it does provide an advantage; unlike a traditional submachine gun of this era, the KP/-31 doesn't have a charging handle slot through which dirt and debris can enter, which causes jamming.
The latter is the L-shaped piece in the trigger guard, which is seen here in its furthest-forward position; this is its full-auto setting.
Lining up the sights...
...and spraying away at the attacking crystal snowflakes, letting out a fierce war cry all the while. "PERKELE!"
Adjusting the Suomi's decidedly interwar-style tangent sights; these are adjustable out to 500 meters in 100-meter increments.


Update #95 added the "Tomacuzi," a highly eccentric fictional firearm that is, as the name implies, a hybrid of an M1A1 Thompson and an IMI Uzi, fitted with a barrel shroud reminiscent of (though substantially longer than) the Intratec TEC-9. To top it all off, it's also chambered in .455 Webley, and its fire modes consist exclusively of bursts of varying length.

M1A1 Thompson - .45 ACP
IMI Uzi - 9x19mm Parabellum
It's like someone beat a Thompson with an ugly stick. Note the Picatinny rail on the top of the receiver. It also features a BAR-style left-side charging handle for whatever reason; equally strangely, it fires from a closed bolt, which neither the Thompson nor the Uzi do.
On the opposite side of the gun, we see the original Auto Ordnance markings of a standard Thompson. Apparently in the future of the H3 universe, they actually signed off on this creation.
The stock unfolds just like on a standard Uzi. Best not to aim with the stock folded, as this thing still kicks like a mule.
Now loading... a 69 round... snaildrum... of .455 Webley. Any singly part of that sentence would make a person gag, and yet we have the trifecta.
The safety switch and fire selector switches themselves are the same as on the Thompson. However, instead of semi and auto, we have four-round burst, and seventeen-round-burst. Also note that, according to the markings, the official designation of this weapon is "TOMACUXI-9 Mk. 2.1"; the markings on this side also state its caliber to be .357 SIG (stamped over a 9mm marking), a round which none of the game's weapons use, along with the serial number "8675309".
The lower aperture is effectively useless, since the pic rail completely blocks the front post from this angle.
Thankfully, the upper notch sight is still useable.
Even with relatively unimpressive Webley rounds, recoil is still considerable. In no small part because of the exclusively automatic firing modes.
Yet another quirk of this gun is that as soon as the mag is empty, it automatically ejects itself; thanks to its two firemodes, the user gets either 17 or 4 full bursts (in 4- or 17-round burst mode respectively), followed by a single anticlimactic shot and the sound of a magazine hitting the floor.

Type 100

The first Japanese firearm in the game, a late-model Type 100 submachine gun was added to H3VR on December 25th, 2018, the final day of the Meatmas 2018 event.

Type 100 (late model) - 8x22mm Nambu
Popping open one of the larger boxes reveals quite a rare gift indeed.
Loading in a magazine. Being the first Japanese gun in the game, it should come as no surprise that it's also the first to use 8x22mm Nambu ammo.
Examining the Type 100. Being a late-war model, the in-game gun lacks the bipod and adjustable rear sight of earlier models, concessions made for the sake of simplicity and resource conservation by increasingly desperate Axis forces, as evidenced by this monstrosity.
In spite of this, the bayonet lug stayed. Because Japan.
Pulling back the cocking handle...
...which rests a lot further forward than the length of its receiver slot would suggest. One of the unusual features of the Type 100 is visible here; unlike most submachine guns of the era, the Type 100 has 2 holes in the side of the receiver tube: one for the cocking handle, and one for ejecting spent cases.
Aiming; like, say, the M1A1 Thompson, the later-pattern Type 100s use a fixed rear aperture sight with a notch on top for longer-range shooting.
Shooting some snowflakes out of the air. Hey, if it worked for their rifles...

Vigneron M2

The Vigneron M2 was added on day 6 of the Meatmas 2022 advent calendar event; it is simply called the "Vigneron" in-game. Notably, H3 is the first video game to feature the Vigneron.

Vigneron M2 - 9x19mm Parabellum
The Vigneron M2 in its box, in a shot taken early enough to still have confetti in the air.
Examining the Belgian SMG.
It's a nice-looking gun; shame it's so rarely seen.
Pulling back the (non-reciprocating) cocking handle; the dustcover pops open automatically upon doing so, so quickly that getting both visible bolt movement and a not-completely-open dustcover in the same shot takes a rather quick yank.
Extending the stock; like many subguns from this period, the Vigneron's stock is little more than a thick, sturdy piece of steel wire bent into an appropriate shape.
Shoving in a 32-round magazine. These look similar to MP40 magazines, though they're proprietary.
Flipping the selector to semi-auto, and taking a close look at the molded plastic lower in the process.
Taking aim at nothing in particular. The sights on the Vigneron are one of its weaker points; they consist of a thin, hooded front post and a rear notch so fine as to be nearly unusable.
Taking a shot at a lamppost; this would probably have more of an impact if the thing wasn't so hard to aim.
Flipping the selector over to "even harder to aim"...
...and engaging in a fierce battle with the toughest enemy in the Snowglobe: the dreaded janky house hitbox.

Viper Mk. I

The Viper Mk. I, a rare experimental variant of the Sten meant to be used one-handed as a personal defense weapon, was added on day 9 of the Meatmas 2020 Advent Calendar event. Only two Mk. Is were ever built, as well as three Mk. IIIs; as such media depictions of this gun are extremely rare, with H3 being its first known appearance.

Viper Mk. I - 9x19mm Parabellum
Opening up Bunker A-9's box to reveal... a smaller, far stranger-looking box.
Examining the Viper. If you ever needed proof that the Sten could somehow be both simpler and less practical, here you go.
The right side; largely the same as the left, but with an ejection port instead of a magazine well, and showing off the opposite ends of the body's screws. The wooden portion is essentially just a two-piece clamshell, held together at the back by the buttplate, in the middle by a couple of screws (one on the pistol grip, and one further towards the rear), and at the front by the knurled collar around the barrel. Which is, of course, threaded directly onto the wood.
Pulling the Sten-derived bolt into the also-Sten-derived safety notch; this is the only safety notch the Viper has. No safety switch, no grip safety, no dedicated drop-safety, not even a trigger guard.
Shoving in a 20-round magazine; another Sten-derived part, these are essentially just shorter Sten mags.
Releasing the bolt from its locked position puts it into its cocked one; from here, just pull the trigger and let 'er rip.
Attempting to aim at a music-playing speaker; aside from doing it for its own sake, this can give the added benefit of unlocking various extra messages to listen to, usually either advertisements or advisories.
Keyword being "attempting"; the Viper lacks sights of any sort, since it was meant to be hipfired one-handed (the curve on the top of the stock is supposed to sit under the user's shoulder), so "aiming" isn't really a word in its vocabulary. The fact that it has no semi-auto setting doesn't help matters.
This isn't much better, but it also isn't much worse, which really says something about this gun as a concept.
Really, the only way to ensure that you'll actually hit anything with the Viper is to load it with some sort of tracer round (in this case, API ammo), and aim by the guess-and-check method.
Or, at least, the only way without doing something like this. Which is probably not something you should be doing.
Aiming through the attached red-dot sight; since attachments can be forced into each other when mounted, the optic on this thing consists of a Leopold LCO shoved into a DI Optical EG1.
Popping a few Sosigs with the aid of the attached laser sight; the raised sight mount with a charging handle underneath was meant to evoke G36 vibes. If the G36 were a horrifying monstrosity of rails and wood wrapped around a steel pipe, that is.

Walther MPK

The Walther MPK was added on day 11 of the Meatmas 2020 Advent Calendar event.

Walther MPK with stock unfolded - 9x19mm Parabellum
The MPK sitting in its case. Sorry folks; couldn’t find a frame of my footage without the blue grab-prompt circle for this one.
Examining the MPK; the lacquer-painted finish catches the bunker’s lighting well.
Truly a prime example of Cold War-era stamped subgun simplicity; it did reasonably well, but ultimately lost out in most markets (especially the domestic one) to another, more familiar West German SMG.
Loading in one of the MPK’s proprietary 32-round magazines.
Cocking the weapon - like most submachine guns of the era (bar the notable exception mentioned above), the MPK fires from an open bolt.
Folding the MPK’s stock yields a far more compact package; there aren’t many instances in-game where this is helpful, but it’s a nice feature to have nonetheless.
Flipping the selector over to semi-auto, which (rather like an AK) requires going past full-auto first.
Aiming at a Static drone; while the initial temptation is to aim like this, doing so will put your shots far above your intended target in most engagements.
Instead, the proper way to aim is to use the aperture below. This used to be even less obvious; prior to an update, the aperture was much smaller, to the point that many players didn’t understand that it was actually meant for aiming.
(For reference, here's the MPK's item-spawner icon, which features the weapon's older model; note the downright tiny rear aperture.)
Flipping the selector over to full-auto; semi might work for drones...
...but S-COM towers are a different animal entirely. For quick shooting, the longer-range sight notch can be used in conjunction with the top of the front sight hood, using the notch in the hood as a point of aim; this is, interestingly, somewhat reminiscent of the Berthier Mle 1916 carbine added earlier in the event.
Firing the MPK; having deemed this screenshot in sufficiently interesting, a faraway Swarm drone has decided to liven things up a bit with a pair of giant explosions.

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