Pistols
Beretta 92FS (Grammaton Cleric pistol)
Replicas of the modified Grammaton Cleric pistol from the movie Equilibrium are available in-game, having been added through Update #37. The Grammaton Cleric comes in full-auto, and boasts the same interesting muzzle flash as the movie gun.
Screen-used rubber stunt gun. Note that this weapon lacks the selector switch of the detailed Hero gun.
While having fun in the gun-fu range, we get a good look at the Cleric model.
Of course, seeing as two is one and one is none, a second pistol must also be loaded.
With that sorted, it's time to unleash some completely emotionless fury on the walls of the room. Note the shape of the muzzle flashes.
Practicing some Gun Kata, in the "Cleric Battle" MEATS mode.
Beretta 950BS Jetfire
The Beretta 950 Jetfire is one of the available firearms in-game, having been added through the first Meatmas update. 2 versions are available - a standard blued model with black plastic grips, and a gold-plated model with mother-of-pearl grips.
Beretta 950BS (Post-1968) Jetfire - .25 ACP. This has the thumb safety that the pre-1968 models do not.
Behold, a downright diminutive Italian handgun. Well, it isn't called a "pocket pistol" for nothing...
Using an
M1911A1 for comparison really gives one an idea of just how small the Jetfire actually is.
A nice touch, the barrel can be popped up for loading, just like on the real weapon.
A look down the barrel reveals that the weapon's bore is fully modeled, rather than being solid with a drawn-on hole at either end like in many games.
Loading a single .25 ACP round into the barrel...
...and a magazine with 8 more into the magazine well.
Of course, what is a tiny pocket pistol without a gold-plated version?
And what is a gold-plated pocket pistol without a matching golden magazine?
Seeing as manual chamber-loading is for peasants, the only proper high-class way to use the Jetfire is to chamber rounds by racking the slide.
Aiming the golden Jetfire, which isn't easy considering the size of the sights. The fact that you're probably looking down your nose at your target doesn't help either.
Firing a .25 round at the
lowly commoner paper target ahead.
Beretta M9A1
The Beretta M9A1 is one of the 4 pistols added in Update #5. Upon its introduction, it was permanently fitted with a suppressor; this was removed in favor of a threaded barrel in Update #20 (which introduced detachable suppressors to the game).
Beretta M9A1 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Sometimes you want to save your hearing, so use a suppressed M9A1.
And sometimes you really don't give a damn, so you take the suppressor off.
Sometimes you feel like admiring both sides of your pistol, even though they're nearly identical.
Sometimes you load the pistol.
And sometimes you even chamber it.
Sometimes you line the sights up properly. (This isn't one of those times).
And sometimes, every once in a while, you actually fire your M9A1.
Sometimes you sheepishly admit your mistake, and put the suppressor back on.
Sometimes you then realize that you maybe should've picked a smaller suppressor.
And sometimes you remember that
H3 actually requires you to screw the suppressor onto the barrel, instead of just sticking it there.
Sometimes you check in after a whole slew of subsequent updates, only to find that the M9A1's gotten a newer, cleaner-looking texture...
...along with a substantially grayer magazine.
Beretta M9A3
Update #52 added a Beretta M9A3 to the game, complete with its own unique (yet interchangeable) 17-round magazines.
Beretta M9A3 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Loading the M9A3 with a 17-round magazine, complete with matching-colored baseplate...
...and racking the slide.
Admiring the Beretta's light-brown finish.
A look at the M9A3's iron sights; as with many of the game's pistols, these are of the 3-dot variety.
Beretta Px4 Storm
The Beretta Px4 Storm is one of the available firearms in-game. It was added in Update #20, and is correctly able to share magazines with the earlier M9A1, the concurrently-added Cx4, and the later-added Mx4.
Beretta Px4 Storm - 9x19mm Parabellum
A little time at the range, and some fresh rounds for the Px4.
What a perfect way to spend an afternoon.
Pausing to admire the Px4, and to note its (exceedingly shiny) protruding threaded barrel.
Aiming the Px4, which is complicated somewhat by the controller's outline getting in the way.
Still, you can make do. However, if you're that particular about aiming...
...you can always just do this.
Bergmann-Bayard M1901 "Simplex"
The Wurstwurld update brought along a Bergmann Simplex pocket pistol, among many other things. Of note is that this is the first ever appearance of this weapon in a video game, and only the second documented appearance of it in any form of media, the first being in The Mystic Archives of Dantalian.
Bergmann-Bayard M1901 "Simplex" - 8x18mm Simplex
Admiring the Simplex in the heat of the desert sun.
Loading in a magazine, which contains 5 rounds of proprietary (and rather anemic) 8x18mm ammunition; this doesn't exactly add up to a whole lot of firepower.
Chambering the first of these 5 rounds with a quick tug of the bolt.
Aiming the pistol. Small gun, small sights.
Firing. In spite of the small cartridge, it's still perfectly capable of blowing a jug to pieces. An ejected casing can just barely be seen to the upper-right.
Browning Hi-Power
The Browning Hi-Power was the first weapon added in the 1st Meatmas update. Notably, it is correctly depicted as being unfireable without a magazine inserted.
Classic Commercial Browning Hi-Power (Belgian manufacture) - 9x19mm
The player character loading some batteries into their new toy.
Examining the left side of the Hi-Power...
...and the right side. What a lovely gift.
Taking aim at a gumdrop...
...before remembering to chamber a round.
With that issue dealt with, it's time to make this winter wonderland a whole lot less peaceful.
Charter Arms Explorer II
Update #59's 9th alpha build brought along a Charter Arms Explorer II, a pistol variant of the Armalite AR-7 survival rifle.
Charter Arms Explorer II - .22 LR
The right side of the Explorer...
...and the left. An interesting-looking pistol, to be sure; shame that it never really took off.
Fiddling with the cocking handle.
Admiring the Explorer inside a derelict house; the pistol has quite a different profile with its magazine inserted.
Quite a different profile indeed.
Firing the Explorer into the house's ceiling, much to its owner's chagrin.
Colt Defender
The 12th and final alpha build of Update #52 added a Colt Defender, chambered in .45 ACP.
Inspecting the left side of the Defender. Note the lack of slide markings; the
weapon artist's renders of the model show it with a full set of Colt rollmarks, but these were removed for copyright reasons. However, the "Series 90" marking is still present in-game, as hard as it is to see here.
The right side; in the words of many an unfinished page, "
Nice, but where's the trigger?" The answer is that it's in the magwell; this bug was fixed in the following update.
For reference, here's what the Defender looks like post-patch.
Loading a 7-round magazine into the pistol.
Bringing the sights on target; as with several of the game's other M1911 variants, it has illuminated 3-dot sights.
Putting a round on the paper. Or rather, through the paper.
Dropping an empty magazine out of the Defender, while noticing another one on the table...
...which, of course, leaves only one thing to do.
Colt M1911A1
The M1911A1 is one of the available firearms in-game, added in Update #3. Update #23 added 2 cosmetic variants: one with a matte-gray finish and green synthetic grips, and one with a gold-plated finish and black grips.
A unique, fully-automatic version of the latter with a length of about 1 meter (and, formerly, unlimited ammunition) is available in the Meatmas Snowglobe level; this version is referred to as, of all possible names, "Floppy McLongflopper". This is a reference to a series of requests on the game's subreddit by a user named "RichardLongflop" for a "longslide" version of the M1911A1 (which grew increasingly elaborate, to the point of submitting a fake bug report video in which he literally wrote the request on a target with bulletholes); while presumably referring to something along the lines of an AMT Hardballer Longslide, the lack of an actual specified slide length in the requests led game dev Anton Hand to create this monstrosity instead.
Pre-War Commercial Colt M1911A1 with factory deep-blued finish - .45 ACP
Starting things off, as always, with a quick sound check. Make sure your speakers aren't up too high.
Rewinding a bit, and loading in a magazine.
Racking the slide, only to discover just a little bit too late that this wasn't really necessary. Oh well.
Pausing for a minute to look at the pistol. The blued finish is lovely on this side.
The M1911A1's safety, which has 2 positions: here, in the lower position, is "fire"...
...and here, in the upward position, is "safe". This position pushes the lever into a notch in the bottom of the slide, which has the additional effect of preventing the slide from moving.
The M1911A1's sights; a set of nice, clear, aftermarket 3-dot illuminated irons.
That wasn't always the case, though; the M1911A1's sights looked like this until Update #5, when the luminous green dots were added.
7 rounds later, the M1911A1 locks empty.
Dumping out the dry magazine...
...and hitting the slide release.
Ithaca-manufactured M1911A1 with matte-gray finish - .45 ACP
Here's the gray version...
Colt M1911A1 (airsoft replica) with gold-plated finish - (fake) .45 ACP
...and here's the golden one.
"Floppy McLongflopper"
The "Floppy McLongflopper" sitting on a table. Even without the backstory, it's still a rather fitting name, wouldn't you say?
Unfortunately, all of that
L E N G T H makes it a bit tricky to use.
Especially considering its impressive muzzle rise (which is actually just the same as the standard M1911A1, and is simply exaggerated by both the full-auto fire and the increased deviation from center created by the distance from the pivot point to the muzzle). This does raise questions about how it even manages to cycle the slide with that much extra weight on it, all of which are answered with "it's a meter-long golden machine pistol, why are you trying to apply any sort of logical reasoning here".
Attempting to aim the Floppy; the fact that the front sight isn't any larger than it is on the normal variants makes this a bit tricky.
Still, it's all worth it for the ability to muzzle an enemy from three feet away, give a dramatic one-liner, and watch the meat-bits fly.
Lebman Machine Pistol
A fully-automatic variant of the M1911A1, based on the machine pistol conversions created by Hyman Lebman, is one of Update #52's additions; it was added during the "St. Valentine's Day Meatssacre" alpha build, and is referred to as the "M1911A1 Dillinger", in reference to the famous Prohibition-era gangster John Dillinger (who used a similar pistol during his time as a criminal).
Hyman Lebman-converted M1911A1 machine pistol - .38 Super
The converted M1911A1, complete with Cutts compensator and
Thompson-type foregrip.
Loading in the weapon's unique magazine (which is interchangeable with other M1911 pistols and magazines).
Said magazine holds 18 rounds, and is essentially just several existing magazines welded together.
Pseudo-aiming the pistol, which is close enough to actually aiming it to show off the illuminated sights; these were a byproduct of the weapon being a modified version of the existing M1911A1 model, and didn't stay around for long.
Especially when one considers the sheer amount of recoil this weapon produces, which renders aiming a bit unnecessary anyways.
Affixing a
Luger carbine stock (compatible for the sake of fun), which allows a clearer view of the pistol's rear end. It also allows a clearer view of...
...the updated sights, which lack the luminous dots of the original version.
Firing; between the stock and subsequent updates to recoil systems, the pistol's kick is actually manageable enough to merit use of the sights. The fact that the compensator has its own taller front sight that doesn't line up with the others does put a bit of a damper on this, unfortunately.
"Oversize M1911A1"
Update #52's 7th alpha build (the April Fools' Day special) included the so-called "Oversize" version of the M1911A1. As the name implies, it is substantially larger than the standard M1911A1, being more akin in size to a howitzer than a handgun; to facilitate human use, it is fitted with several RIS-type grips for handling, a rail on the side for sights (as attempting to aim with the standard slide-mounted irons would likely lead to the user being decapitated), and an equally massive bipod for more stable use.
It fires the ".45 ACP Oversize" round, which, amusingly, had already been added to the game several updates prior; many enterprising players combined this with the ability to cook off and/or directly strike the primers of loose rounds to set them off (introduced in Update #48), and the game's substantial amounts of freedom with regards to rail adaptor placement (or spacially-lockable platforms, for that matter) to create various devices to launch these rounds.
"
Huh? What's this? Why would someone make a massive 1911 magaz..."
Loading the massive magazine into the massive handgun. Awkward angles are all but mandatory.
Racking the slide (by way of the diagonally-attached handle on the side); this shot also shows that the rather literal hand-cannon is apparently made by "HEDEN GUN CO. INC" out of "HEDEN, .N.Y". This fictional manufacturer (complete with fictional town and mis-written postal code) is shared with the standard M1911A1 variants (which makes sense, as the Oversize is a scaled-up version thereof).
Firing a "Mortar" round (which, as previously shown, uses the model of a tracer, and as presently shown, looks like one when initially fired).
This round is the simplest of the 3 available types, being an impact-detonated high-explosive shell, as seen here.
That shell plus 6 more equals an empty artillery piece, meriting a mag swap; this is done by punching (yes, punching) the magazine release button...
...which, assuming that the gun is high enough off the ground, dumps out the magazine with a loud "
CLUNK".
If you're feeling tired after hefting around a literal artillery piece, no worries!
Just unfold the bipod, and take a load off.
A bit of futzing with the ammo spawning panel grants a magazine loaded with what appear to be jacketed hollowpoints; these are actually what are known as "Mega Buckshot" rounds.
"
"Mega Buckshot"? What on Earth could that possibly..."
"
...wow. I don't know what I was expecting, but it sure as hell wasn't that."
Firing off another MBS round with the game's optional bullet trails enabled gives a better idea of just what "that" is: each shell fires several "pellets", if you will; upon hitting a surface, these "pellets" explode, releasing a burst of .50 BMG tracer projectiles.
Loading the last type of round directly into the chamber; this round, visually resembling an FMJ, is a MIRV (
Multiple
Indepent
Reentry
Vehicle) round. It's not every day that you see something with terminology more generally associated with
long-range ballistic missiles being loaded into a handgun.
If grabbing a hold of the slide-mounted grip and wrestling with the recoil spring directly just isn't your style, the slide release is always an option.
Just grab on, and yank downward with everything you've got.
One of the more bizarre features of the weapon (yes, it gets
more bizarre) is the exposed firing pin; should one not want to disturb a well lined-up shot, they can simply leave the pistol as-is, and hit the firing pin with another, smaller handgun, like this
M29 here.
Preferably from slightly further away, assuming that you value your wrists more than a close view of the MIRV round's curious blue tracer. A real priorital toss-up, I know.
Thanks to the magic of bullet trails, the MIRV round's mechanics can be more clearly seen; each shell starts out solid, then splits into 7 smaller explosive shells after a fixed period in mid-air (or just explodes all at once if it hits something first).
Colt Woodsman Match Target
One of the weapons added in the 2018 Halloween update (the main headline of which was the Return of the Rotweiners gamemode, a large-scale rogue-lite zombie RPG) was a Colt Woodsman Match Target .22 target pistol with gold-inlaid engravings and pearl grips.
Colt Woodsman Match Target (3rd Series) - .22 LR
Doing some quick-belt management.
Glock 17? Check. Woodsman? Check. Spare mags? Check. Knife? Check. Hatchet? Check. Pie? Check.
Shooting a Rotweiner point-blank with the Colt.
"Aiming" the pistol,
Doom-style, at a charging Blut (a tougher, tankier type of Rotweiner). This gives a good view of the engravings on the top of the barrel, as well as the asymmetric target-style profile of the grips.
Unfortunately, a volley of unjacketed .22 LR rounds proves insufficient to stop the Blut, resulting in this rather...
uncomfortable situation.
The situation dealt with, our survivalist ejects a magazine, taking note of the heel-mounted magazine release (indicative of a 3rd Series model)...
...and powerstrokes the slide. The lack of visible hands might make this difficult to see; note how the slide is just a
tad bit further back than in the previous shots.
"Cyber Pistol"
One of the first firearms added to H3VR (before it even carried that name, in fact), along with the "Cartoon 8 Gauge" sawn-off shotgun, was the "Cyber Pistol", a fictional semi-automatic handgun with an integrated laser sight. It feeds from a 9-round single-stack magazine; this initially used a simple, proprietary round known only as "Cyber Pistol" ammunition; in Update #52, it was changed to use the same "10mm DSM" ammo as the LAPD 2019 Blaster. The Cyber Pistol isn't presently attainable through the standard item spawner, though some scenes feature an Easter egg fully-automatic version with infinite ammo, and the standard version can be obtained through random spawns in modes such as Take & Hold.
A pair of Cyber Pistols on a table, along with a crate of neatly-arranged magazines.
The left side of the Cyber Pistol, which looks more or less the same as the right.
Loading in a magazine; note that this shot is from an earlier build of
H3, in which magazine loading worked rather differently: as soon as a magazine entered the well, it locked into place, allowing no movement other than upwards or downwards, until the magazine either locked into place or fell back out of the well (respectively).
The floating instructions/guide arrows on objects are another long-gone feature.
Firing the pistol. The trail of casings isn't due to the pistol being fully-automatic; it's simply a by-product of its rather weak ejection.
Dumping the empty magazine out (so empty, in fact, that it seemingly doesn't have a spring)...
...loading in a new one...
...and releasing the locked-back slide.
2 more years, 1 new cartridge. For this gun, at least -
dozens of cartridges were added between the build in which the first screenshots were taken and this one.
Loading the Cyber Pistol up with this new, novel, actually-named ammunition.
Aiming (more or less); the Cyber Pistol was the first of many in-game weapons to have illuminated green iron sights.
Firing the updated Cyber Pistol, which shows off its interesting blue muzzle flash.
It's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it effect, though - you might even say it's...
gone in a flash.
...I'll leave.
CZ 75 SP-01 SHADOW
The CZ 75 SP-01 SHADOW is one of the available firearms in-game, being one of the many weapons added through the 1st Meatmas update.
CZ 75 SP-01 SHADOW - 9x19mm
Giving the viewers at home a good look at the CZ's model.
The pistol's other side. The markings on the slide read "AP 85 SP-02", seemingly in a copyright-motivated effort to subtly change every single part of the gun's name.
Loading a 17-round magazine into the CZ 75.
Racking the pistol's slide.
Aiming through the 75's illuminated 3-dot sights.
Said sights make landing shots on target substantially easier, especially when compared to some of the game's older, smaller-sighted handguns.
Dropping an empty magazine out of the empty CZ.
Desert Eagle L5
One of the six gifts added with the 25th and final day of the Meatmas 2018 event (5 firearms and one attachment) was a Desert Eagle; more specifically, a .357 Magnum-chambered Desert Eagle L5, a short-barreled lightweight version meant to comply with certain legal restrictions (some US states having a ban on any handgun over 50 ounces (approx. 1.417 kg)). This variant completed the in-game trifecta of the 3 standard Desert Eagle calibers: .357 Magnum, .44 Magnum, and .50 AE (excluding more obscure and rare chamberings, like .440 Cor-Bon, .41 Magnum, and .429 DE). This is, notably, the first documented appearance of this particular Desert Eagle variant in any known form of media.
Magnum Research Desert Eagle L5 - .50 AE
How fitting that the variant given on Christmas is the only one small enough to actually fit into one of these gift boxes like this. And, for that matter, quite likely the only one that's light enough to not rip a hole in the bottom when you hold it from the sides.
Loading the truncated Desert Eagle. Being chambered in .357, each one of these magazines holds 9 rounds.
Pausing for a moment to strike a pose that would probably look a whole lot cooler from anybody else's perspective.
"
Aww, don't listen to them! I think you're a very handsome young man. Besides, I'm sure you'll grow into your frame by the time you hit college. Just look at your father! He wasn't very big either when he was your age, but then he hit his growth spurt in high school, and ZWOOP! Up he went! Here, I think we have some of his old pictures from his middle school days somewhere around here..."
Racking the L5, in an attempt to intimidate away the crippling loneliness that causes one to apply human personalities to firearms and vent to strangers in database pages.
Lining up the sights, and...
"
See! Look at you! I knew you could do it! You're doing great, especially for your age! And if all those other kids don't want to let you be their friend, then you know what I think? I think that that's. Their. Loss. Now, if you want, we could go downtown and get some ice cre-"
NO! STAY OUT OF MY HEAD, DAMN IT! 
One shot in illusion plus eight in self-doubting anger equals nine, and that equals an empty pistol.
This, of course, merits a mag-flick so tacticool that it breaks the laws of the universe. And maybe some therapy.
The accident was thirteen years ago. You were just a little boy. I was drinking that night. There was nothing you could have done. It's time for you to move on. You can't keep living like this. You have to let go...Desert Eagle Mark VII
A Desert Eagle Mark VII, chambered in .44 Magnum is one of the available firearms in-game. It was added in Update #26, an update that (perhaps more significantly) also added the Meat Grinder gamemode.
On April Fools' Day of 2018, Update #52's 7th alpha build was released. Among other things, this included the "Degle.50", a cardboard Desert Eagle held together with duct tape. The weapon was meant as a joke response to a poorly-spelled Steam request for a replica of the Desert Eagle seen in Blue Estate. It fires the ".50 Imaginary" round, of which several types (with names just as eloquent as that of the pistol itself) are available. To top it off, all of the Degle's sound effects were created by game director Anton Hand - not mixed, mind you, but literally created - the sounds are all Anton saying various onomatopoeia associated with the weapon's functions.
IMI Desert Eagle Mark VII - .44 Magnum
Loading up a Desert Eagle.
Aiming (or at least attempting to)...
Wrists? Who needs wrists?
Practicing for an upcoming role as [INSERT GENERIC ACTION MOVIE PROTAGONIST HERE].
Engaging in some more generally unacceptable range behavior.
Ejecting a pair of empty magazines.
"
Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should."
"Degle"
"
a wepon 2 sirpas metle geer".
Loading a cardboard magazine into the cardboard pistol. These magazines hold 8 rounds; a real .50 Desert Eagle's magazine holds only seven, but then again, this isn't even supposed to be a "real" Desert Eagle in-game.
One of the more curious elements of the Degle is its fully functional safety, seen here in the "safe" position...
...and here in the "fire" position, with each manipulation of the switch producing an audibly bearded "tink".
Pulling back the slide; note that, interestingly, the Degle's black marker markings are written slightly differently on either side of the barrel, reflecting its small-hand-made nature.
Demonstrating a small child's understanding of the concept called "aiming"; the cardboard sights are actually more serviceable than one might think, not that this shot really shows that.
The Degle in full recoil; yes, it even ejects cardboard casings.
A list of the various types of .50 Imaginary rounds available, seen here in the ammo spawning panel. From top to bottom: "BOOOMY" (fragmenting explosive) rounds, "FLASHY" (tracer) rounds, the currently-selected "MEGA!!1!" rounds, "NERMAL" (normal) rounds, "POINTYOWW!" (armor-piercing) rounds, and "SOOPER SPESHUL" (high-velocity) rounds.
Taking a look at an empty magazine...
...the model of which changes to reflect when it's loaded, as seen here with a full load of "NERMAL" cardboard rounds.
The use of the game's optional bullet trails reveals that these have more or less the ballistics one would expect out of a piece of cardboard fired from another piece of cardboard. Nermal indeed.
On the other hand, the "SOOPER SPESHUL" rounds fly straight as an arrow. Also note the exaggerated cloud of smoke, yet another by-product of this being a child's interpretation of how a gun works.
The "BOOOMY" ammo, which produces a suitably impressive spray of red glowing shrapnel.
Taking a look at a magazine full of blue-tipped "MEGA!!1!" rounds through the locked-open slide's ejection port; the cardboard rounds are, in fact, color-coded. But u cant see wat da MEGA bullitz do, becuz its SOOOOOOOPER SEEKRIT!!1!1!!!1
Desert Eagle Mark XIX
To compliment the .44 Mark VII, Update #58 added a Desert Eagle Mark XIX in .50 Action Express. The in-game handgun is a more recent Magnum Research model, with rails on the barrel and frame, and a ported barrel.
Magnum Research Desert Eagle Mark XIX w/ported barrel - .50 AE
Admiring the newer Desert Eagle.
A closeup of the barrel, which reveals that the handgun is marked ".50 AE", and nothing else. No trademarks, no model designation, nothing.
Well, at least it has a serial number.
Chambering a .50 Action Express round.
FN Five-seveN
Update #58 added a much-requested handgun, the FN Five-seveN. The in-game weapon is a USG model, the most common of the bunch (despite no longer being in production), and has an FDE frame.
FN Five-seveN USG - 5.7x28mm
The left side of the Five-seveN...
Unusually for a striker-fired pistol, the Five-seveN's safety is also a decocker.
All that aside, it's high time to actually load the handgun.
And, of course, to chamber it. This also cocks the striker, rendering the above discussion of the decocker/safety a bit of a moot point.
The Five-seveN's sights, which are of the adjustable 3-dot variety.
That round plus 19 later, and the empty magazine is jettisoned from the pistol.
One of the new features introduced in Update #58 is the ability to rack pistol slides with things other than the user's hands, as seen in this appalling display of muzzle unawareness. The emptiness of the pistol and the range alike go some way to make up for this.
FN Model 1906
Day 2 of the 2018 Meatmas Update brought along an FN Model 1906 pocket pistol.
The FN 1906 in its advent calendar box. This shot was, interestingly, captured the exact moment that the 2 dancing Sosigs next to the box spontaneously explode in a shower of mustard. Maybe it was from trying to pronounce the artist's name.
Taking a closer look at the pistol.
Yes, it really is this small.
Loading in a magazine. If 6 rounds of .25 ACP doesn't sound like a whole lot, it's because it isn't.
Still, better than nothing.
Taking an even closer look. Interestingly, in a game full of obfuscated trademarks, the 1906 has a perfectly intact FN logo molded into both sides' grip panels.
Aiming at a wooden target. Being designed more for concealment than combat, the 1906 uses an interesting combination of an imaginary rear sight notch, lined up with a front post made of air.
Surprisingly, a few rounds of .25 makes rather quick work of the target. Though, to be fair, it'll do that if you hit it with a stick hard enough, so it's not like the bar is set all that high.
Dropping out an empty magazine.
French UNION
So far the only known media appearance of this fairly rare French machine pistol, the UNION was a version of the Ruby capable of full-auto fire. It had a distinctive 35-round horseshoe magazine, which is replicated in-game.
French UNION with magazine and loading tool - .32 ACP
When you have a game with the word "Horseshoes" in the name, you need to have a gun involving horseshoes. It's just mandatory.
Loading in the magazine...
...which results in something exactly as ridiculous-looking as you'd expect.
Pulling back the UNION's slide.
Aiming; this is a rather pointless activity, considering both the weapon's lack of sights and its short effective range.
Unleashing a barrage of .32 ACP rounds.
35 of the aforementioned rounds later, the UNION locks open, showing off the fluting of the barrel, which is normally covered by the slide.
A closeup of the pistol, following a quick mag change. This shows off the labeled witness holes in the magazine (which actually allow for the viewing of cartridges in-game, and are placed every 5 rounds, starting at 15), as well as the markings, which read "PISTOLET AUTOMATIQUE FRANCAIS" on the first line, "FABRIQUE A STETIENNE-CAL 7.65" on the second, "UNION" both on the grip and to the right of the other slide markings (in quotation marks on the latter, oddly enough), and "TRADE MARK" surrounding a manufacturer's logo in the center of the grip panel. While not visible here, the front of the lower frame indicates that the serial number is 0424, and the magazine is marked "CHARGEUR "UNION" CAL.7/65 B
TE S.G.D.G".
Just in case it wasn't ridiculous enough already, the unique magazine shape of the UNION allows for... this.
That, in turn, allows for a particularly enterprising lunatic to do
this. And they said that the engine didn't support loose chains...
Glock 17
Update #53 added a series of 9x19mm Glock pistols, the first of which being the ubiquitous Glock 17 to H3VR, specifically a 4th-generation model. It comes in 2 flavors - vanilla, and "Custom", the latter having a flared magazine well, raised aftermarket iron sights, a slide-mounted red dot sight, and a modified slide resembling the ZEV Technologies Dragonfly, with diagonal slide serrations and milling cuts around the barrel. It also comes with a unique 20-round magazine, interchangeable with the other 9mm Glocks.
Glock 17 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the Glock. The aggressive grip texturing, large magazine release, and straighter dustcover peg this as a Gen 4 model.
The other side. Were it not for the fact that it's a couple generations too modern, one could assume that the dust came from
all that time in the desert.
Loading in a has-absolutely-nothing-to-do-with-the-model-number 17-round magazine.
Taking a look through the Glock's factory-standard Patridge iron sights.
Sending a round downrange.
Taking advantage of the Glock's frame-mounted rail, and affixing a laser sight. But this isn't just any ordinary laser sight...
...it's a
purple laser sight.
Giving the bullseye a taste of some violet violence.
All alliterations aside, an arresting abstract abolishes an abandoned armory after an abrupt age amidst an advanced abbreviated arquebus.
Custom
Custom Glock 17 with ZEV Technologies Dragonfly slide, ZEV slim aluminum magwell, and other custom parts - 9x19mm Parabellum
"
With these upgrades, you never stood a chance."
The other side of the pseudo-racegun G17.
Grabbing one of the special magazines, and...
Racking the heavily-milled slide.
Taking a look through the integrated red-dot sight, which co-witnesses with the aftermarket raised 3-dot sights.
Firing off a shot, after having the common sense to move the pistol a little further from the face.
Trying out a couple of laser sights...
Glock 18
The second (or third, if you count the custom G17) Glock variant added in Update #53 is a 2nd-generation Glock 18 machine pistol.
Glock 18 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Taking a look at the G18.
A closeup of the Glock, which gives a good look at the mysterious switch on the slide...
Taking a look through the irons; like the 17, these are factory Patridge sights.
Remembering the mysterious switch from earlier. Wonder what it does...
"Well, only one way to find out..."
Dropping out the emptied-in-under-a-second magazine.
Attaching a suppressor...
...loading in a 33-round magazine...
Glock 19
The third (or, again, fourth if the customized G17 is counted) and final Update #53 Glock is a 3rd-gen Glock 19 with an FDE frame and a extended threaded barrel. Before it was made a usable weapon, a cartoonish-looking compact-sized Glock was made available to Soldier Weinerbots in Update #46.
Glock 19 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Looking over the G19; the "19", "AUSTRIA", and "9x19" markings are present, but the manufacturer's trademark is conspicuously absent.
The other side of the Glock. Not much to say here. Well, not without starting a debate about Flat Dark Earth finishes, anyway.
Mashing a 33-round magazine into the pistol. The G19 has no magazine of its own; presumably, this is due to the fact that while the other 9x19mm Glocks' magazines can fit into the G19, the G19's 15-rounder can't fit into the larger models, and
H3's code doesn't support that sort of one-way compatibility.
Putting the first of the 33 aforementioned cartridges into the chamber.
A look at the sights; unlike the
G17 and
G18 (but like the
G22), the G19 uses 3-dot irons.
The alpha build of Update #69 changed these dots from white to a bright, luminous green, making the sights easier to use in low-light environments, at the cost of making them harder to use in high-radioactive-waste environments.
Letting a 9x19mm round fly.
Glock 22
The Glock 22 is one of the available handguns in-game, added in Update #5; a version converted to fire in full-auto was added in a later update.
Glock 22 (3rd Generation) - .40 S&W
A Glock 22 and a corresponding magazine on their respective pedestals at the start of the Gun-nasium, an timed obstacle course/shooting challenge that was used initially to test a new form of grab-based movement.
Loading in a 15-round magazine.
Racking the Glock's slide.
Shooting at a target; in the Gun-nasium, these take the form of mysterious blue cubes that levitate in place and shatter when shot.
Putting the Glock's illuminated 3-dot sights to good use, taking care of a row of the aforementioned Mysterious Blue Cubes.
Dropping an empty magazine, and watching it fall about 20 feet to the floor.
Now on stable ground, the player character loads an extended magazine into the full-auto-converted G22, which looks more or less completely identical to the standard version.
Shredding a target with a salvo of .40 S&W rounds.
A close-up of the slide, which shows off the rather...
interestingly obfuscated markings.
Deciding that iron sights are for squares, our player character tacks on his hip front rail...
...before accidentally creating an abomination unto God and man.
Heckler & Koch SP5K
One of the many Heckler & Koch MP5 variants added in Update #63, the SP5K is a civilian semi-auto-only variant of the MP5K, and can be considered a current-day equivalent to H&K's earlier SP89. H3VR is the first piece of media known to include the SP5K. It accounts for 4 of the update's 28 MP5 variants, all of which differ in stocks: the standard SP5K doesn't have one, the "SP5KA2" has a fixed stock, the "SP5KA3" has a collapsible stock, and the "SP5K Folding" has a PDW-style folding stock. These are relatively in keeping with standard MP5 naming conventions (though H&K isn't known to use the word "folding" in any of its firearm names), but are all fictional - the SP5K is intended for the US civilian market, and giving it a stock would make it subject to NFA regulations on short-barreled rifles; while a stocked SP5K could be created, it isn't a factory product, and anyone who created/purchased one would have to pay $200.00 USD to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives to own it.
Heckler & Koch SP5K - 9x19mm Parabellum
Jumping right on into things, and pulling back the SP5K's charging handle.
What's this locking notch for, you ask? Well, in the words of a certain mouse (whose name shan't be mentioned here, for fear of copyright infringement), "
It's a surprise tool that will help us later!"
Pausing the into-things-jumping for a second to admire the SP5K.
The other side. Note the paddle-style magazine release in front of the trigger guard; this was later removed, as it isn't a feature of the actual SP5K. This is due to the fact that the paddle magazine release on a standard MP5 is attached to the front receiver pin, which isn't included on civilian semi-auto lower receivers. This, in turn, is due to BATFE regulations on automatic weapons; civilian MP5 lowers don't use the standard receiver pin setup, because if they did, then the BATFE would regulate them as machine guns, on the grounds that one could easily affix a select-fire MP5 trigger group to the otherwise semi-auto firearm and make it fully-automatic.
Being, as mentioned, aimed at civilians, the SP5K's selector switch has only 2 settings: "no bullets"...
...and "one bullet".
...
Y'know, looking back at it, maybe "aimed at civilians" wasn't the best choice of words...
Attempting to move past this awkward moment by loading a 15-round magazine into the SP5K; this, however, ends up not really looking any less awkward in the end.
Hey, remember that "surprise tool" from earlier?
Here's it helping us later. Which is now. And also earlier, since this is a pre-captured screenshot. Make sense?
Firing the SP5K, whilst contemplating the mysteries of life and the strange, confounding concept known as "time". And whether or not there's any more of that spicy pepper cheese left in the fridge.
The SP5K "A2", which has a stock that stays put...
...which has a stock that
e x t e n d s ...
...and the SP5K "Folding"...
...which has a stock that, well, folds.
Perfect if you want to ignore its sole distinguishing feature.
It also has, like all the other MP5 variants, adjustable diopter drum sights. However, like the other MP5 variants, use of any setting other than the default is only recommended for the exceptionally steady-handed or the exceptionally masochistic.
Heckler & Koch USP Match
One of a pair of USPs added in Update #69, the Heckler & Koch USP Match adds to H3's pool of available .45s.
Heckler & Koch USP Match - 9x19mm Parabellum. Unlike this image, the one in-game is chambered in .45 ACP.
Put 'em together, and you get... one of the objects on this table.
Examining the USP Match. The stainless finish is quite nice...
...though it can make bright lights a bit of a problem.
Chambering a round. A nice little detail worth noting, the barrel is correctly depicted as tilting upwards.
Aiming the pistol. While they ought to
be used in pairs, the right-hand pistol called in sick this morning, so we'll just have to make do.
12 rounds later, the gun runs as empty as the well of references to make about it. Well, ones people'll get, anyway...
Heckler & Koch USP Tactical
Along with the USP Match, a Heckler & Koch USP Tactical was added in Update #69.
Heckler & Koch USP Tactical - .45 ACP
Once more, same as before. The other objects on the table are related to the same update that introduced the pistols; the 40x46mm grenade at the right is meant to go with the
HK69A1 added concurrently, and the small objects at the left are a laser pointer (far left) and a newly-added 90-degree rail adaptor (near left).
Loading the USP Tactical. Note that the rounds in the magazine are facing backwards (also the case with the Match, as they use the same mags); often mistakenly reported as a bug, this is actually a reference to
an infamous mistake on an official H&K catalog, which depicted a
P2000 next to a pair of magazines loaded the same way.
Flipping the pistol over...
...and racking the slide.
Pausing for a moment to admire the other side of the USP.
Taking a look through the sights.
Tactically delivering a few .45 ACP rounds. Compared to the Match, the USP Tactical has a bit more kick (lacking the Match's barrel weight), but has the advantage of being compatible with suppressors, thanks to its threaded barrel.
"Hey, your guy called in sick earlier, right?" ...
"I might have somebody who can help..." Heckler & Koch VP9
Another one of the gifts added on the 25th and final day of the Meatmas 2018 update event, the Heckler & Koch VP9 makes its video game debut in H3.
Heckler & Koch VP9 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Opening up a gift box to reveal a VP9, whilst trying to ignore Santon's somewhat strange choice of decorative silver bows made of intangible ribbon.
Slamming in a standard 15-round magazine.
Sending the first of those rounds into the chamber with a quick rack of the slide.
Deciding to combine this gift with another, smaller one added alongside it: a new suppressor, wrapped in a black cloth shroud that's held on with cord; such shrouds are often fitted to suppressors to reduce heat mirage, and to make them easier to touch/remove after firing (since suppressors have to trap and absorb all the leftover energy from the burning gunpowder in each fired round, they tend to heat up rather quickly). Plus, they look cool.
The two make a rather nice pair, wouldn't you say?
That being said, one of the other advantages of the Tactical model is its use of raised, suppressor-height sights, the advantages of which are rather clear here.
Well, you know what they say: "When life gives you lemons, you fire a suppressed handgun indiscriminately off into the woods."
It doesn't really accomplish anything, but it at least makes you feel better.
Dropping a spent magazine out of the VP9, and moving on to the rest of the boxes. I wonder what else is in store...
Intratec TEC-9
The Intratec TEC-9 is one of the game's available firearms; it has a rather strange "tacticool" orange paintjob. Initially, 2 versions were available - a standard semi-auto variant, and a variant converted to full-auto; Update #53 changed the latter into a converted Interdynamic KG-9, leaving only the standard semi-auto version.
Intratec TEC-9 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Someone regrets lending his TEC-9 to those
CS:GO boys down the street.
Strange paintjobs notwithstanding, he loads in a magazine...
...and opens fire, spraying 9x19mm tracer rounds left, right, and center. This is the full-auto converted model, in case the continuous stream of spent casings didn't make that clear enough. This is somewhat odd, as most full-auto TEC-9s are the earlier open-bolt KG-9 model, but a full-auto conversion of a closed-bolt TEC-9 is far from impossible. Still, Update #53 swapped this out for the more common open-bolt variant.
Taking a look at the sights, back in a location that's at least in the general vicinity of "normal"...
...and firing a single shot out of the substantially less interesting semi-auto version.
IWI Uzi Pro
Update #53 added an IWI Uzi Pro Pistol. True to its real-life nature, it is treated in-game as a semi-auto-only closed-bolt pistol, rather the machine pistol that it is sometimes assumed to be.
IWI Uzi Pro Pistol - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the Uzi Pro, in all of its tacti-cool glory.
The other side, which shows off the side-mounted charging handle, a distinct departure from earlier
Uzi variants.
Loading in a magazine, in a rather dramatic fashion.
Pulling the charging handle. Y'know, it feels like something's missing...
...ah, yes, of course! What was missing was a red-dot sight, a railed vertical foregrip with a flashlight attached to the side, a stock from a
PP-2000, and an incredibly small suppressor! How could I have not seen it!
Aiming through the attached RDS...
...and being once again reminded that this weapon, despite appearances, can't fire in full-auto.
Kel-Tec PMR-30
The tenth gift added in the 2018 Meatmas update was the seldom-seen Kel-Tec PMR-30.
The PMR-30's gift box. A bit of a shame, really, that such an interesting pistol has only had 3 known media appearances in 8 years.
Inserting a magazine. This is the main focal point of the pistol; despite being a more-or-less normal-sized handgun, the PMR-30 holds an impressive 30 rounds of .22 Magnum in a flush-fitting magazine (hence the name -
Pistol,
Magnum,
Rimfire,
30-round magazine).
Pausing for a moment to admire the pistol, in all its polymer-festooned glory.
...before taking a look at the other side. Pretty much the same as the left.
Toying with the ambidextrous safety. Somewhat unusually for
H3, the PMR-30 comes out of its box with the safety off.
A close-up of the top of the slide, showing off the high-contrast fiber-optic sights, as well as the prominent ".22 WMR" marking towards the slide's rear. Note the screwed-in section; this is meant for attaching red-dot sights, though this feature is sadly unavailable in-game due to coding limitations.
Lining up the aforementioned fiber-optic sights...
...and shattering a crystal snowflake.
"
Bastard! How many rounds have you sprayed indiscriminately into the forest!?"
"
Do you remember how many meats you have eaten in your life?"
Kimber Warrior
Update #50 added a Kimber Warrior, fitted with non-standard grip panels, raised red illuminated iron sights, and a permanently-attached red dot sight, known as the "M1911A1 Tactical". The sixth alpha build of Update #52 added a further customized model, with a slide with milling cuts, a different slide-mounted RDS, and bone grips, called the "M1911A1 Operator".
A nice, close look at the Kimber Warrior. Also seen here is the indoor range's target board; it leaves a black mark wherever a shot is placed on the corresponding target downrange, with the most recent hit being red.
A view through the Warrior's integrated RDS, which also shows off the co-witnessed illuminated sights. Meanwhile, RSOs around the world wince at the direction that the pistol is pointed.
The Warrior, locked open after a successful mag dump. The extended magazine seen here was added to the game with the weapon, holds 11 rounds, and can be freely interchanged with the standard 7-rounders.
Loading a new magazine into the Warrior.
"M1911A1 Operator"
Examining the left side of the "Operator"...
...and the right side. Due to a now-patched bug, the trigger is inside of the magazine well, similar to the
Colt Defender above. The slide markings denote the pistol (or at least the slide) as being made by the fictitious "SNOW TIGER FIREARMS INC".
Following the aforementioned patch, the pistol looks like this. Apparently the pistol's fictional manufacturers apparently saw fit to put their PO box number on the slide, and the end owner saw it equally appropriate to write "#03" on the red-dot sight. As you do.
Pulling the now-visible trigger, while showing off the other side's markings. The markings on the frame all but confirm the gun's identity; after all, Kimber is the only gun company based in Yonkers, NY.
Aiming the Operator. Like the earlier Tactical model, the Operator has an integrated red-dot sight, albeit a different, higher-profile model than the earlier pistol.
Firing a round. As with all the other M1911 variants, it's chambered in .45 ACP.
Replacing the now-empty magazine with a fresh one.
Finishing off the reload with a quick tug of the slide. Note that the slide is further back here than it was in the previous shot;
H3 does, in fact, show that a weapon's bolt or slide can be pulled back past its lock point.
Kolibri Pistol
The largest gift added in the 2018 Month Of Meatmas event was also the smallest (centerfire) pistol in existence, the diminutive Austro-Hungarian Kolibri Pistol. The pistol was added following a long series of community requests to add the pistol (dating back all the way to 2016); the acknowledged impossibility of adding the pistol (as its minuscule size would result in the player smacking their VR controllers together whenever they tried to, say, load it) led to asking for its inclusion becoming a running joke within the game's community. The version in-game took this joke to its logical conclusion; it is known as the "Kolibri9001", and is 10 times larger than normal, firing 27x90mm shells. Like the "Oversized" version of the M1911A1 added earlier, these proprietary shells are available in several exotic and unusual forms; also like the earlier artillery piece, the Kolibri9001 is modified for use by a normal-sized human being, being fitted with an M1911A1's lower frame and trigger in place of its own, and an underbarrel railed handguard seemingly based on that of an AR-15-pattern rifle, which has an integrated laser sight tucked into the center.
Kolibri Pistol (with US penny for scale) - 2.7x9mm Kolibri
"
And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but the world's smallest pistol, the size of a deer."
Examining the Kolibri9001. A lovely example of malicious compliance. The hard-to-make-out marking just above the ejection port reads "AUTOMAT-PISTOL", just like on the real steel. There'd be no reason for the markings to be obfuscated, after all; the Austro-Hungarian watchmaker Franz Pfannl, who created the pistol, no longer exists, and neither does his company.
The other side. Considering the grip arrangement, this could technically be classified as a bullpup.
And, considering the rounds it uses, it's also technically a cannon.
Speaking of rounds, it's about time that some got loaded, isn't it?
This is followed by quite possibly the single most awkward sling-shotting of a pistol's slide in human history.
Giving the integrated underbarrel laser sight a try. It's pretty convenient, especially since the Kolibri doesn't have a front sight (and the rear one isn't exactly usable).
Firing off some Frag shells at a snowflake. Poor thing never knew what hit it...
Unlike a normal-sized Kolibri (if you can really call a Kolibri's size "normal"), the Kolibri9001 has a slide hold-open device. This conveniently allows the user to clearly see what sort of ammo is being used; here, the first of 6 HEAT shells lies in wait.
HEAT shells, contrary to what one might expect based on the name, are not incendiary; "HEAT" stands for "High-Explosive Anti-Tank", and refers to armor-piercing shells meant for use against, well, tanks.
Should one wish to bring some actual heat, the napalm-launching "Inferno" rounds are always a good option...
...provided, that is, that your computer can withstand the resultant onslaught of particle effects without winding up looking like them.
Another fun option are the "Megabuck" shells, which function like buckshot...
...except instead of small lead pellets, they launch six .50 BMG tracer projectiles. Use against an actual buck is not advised, unless you like your venison in burger form.
Remember those shells from earlier? Here's the "Smokescreen", which launches out 2 projectiles per shot...
...each one, as the name would imply, generating a cloud of smoke. Useful for hiding small towns.
The "Tri-Flash" shells also do pretty exactly what they say on the can, firing out 3 impact-fused flashbangs at a time. The effects are roughly similar to picking up your phone in the middle of the night to check a text and forgetting that you have the brightness all the way up. While the demon that lives under your bed randomly sets off a bunch of M-80s in your pillowcase.
Luger P08
The Luger P08 is another handgun option in-game, added through Update #47.
Luger P08 - 9x19mm Parabellum
A pre-release render of the Luger, complete with magazine. This image was also used to tease several other weapons to come, including an
MP40, a
Sturmgewehr 44, and a
Karabiner 98k.
The P08 steps up to the plate, determined to make a better score on the target than the M1911A1.
Loading a magazine into the Luger; the windowed magazines do, in fact, show the rounds inside of them, both in amount and in type.
Chambering a fresh 9x19mm round. Another nice touch, the barrel and upper frame move slightly backwards as the toggle is pulled, correctly showing the weapon's short-recoil operation.
The icing on this subtle-detail cake, however, is the Luger's external extractor, which pops up when a round is present in the chamber.
Aiming; the sights are typical of pistols of the era- that is to say, small.
Unbothered by this, the invisible pair of hands holding the P08 open fire.
Luger LP08 "Artillery"
Update #52 added 3 Luger variants, the first of which being the Luger LP08 "Artillery", also known as the "Artillery Luger".
Luger LP08 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the LP08. The stock is interchangeable with the Carbine's; interestingly, these stocks were also made compatible with the game's other handguns, which led to some suitably silly-looking configurations.
Loading in a 32-round
Trommelmagazin 08, also known as the "Snail Drum".
Taking aim at the target...
Mauser C96
Update #43 introduced the Mauser C96 to the game. The weapon holds 10 rounds of the 7.63x25mm Mauser cartridge (which, like some in the game, was added before there were any weapons that could use them), and can be reloaded round-by-round or with a 10-round stripper clip.
Pre-War dated Mauser C96 "Broomhandle" Commercial Version - 7.63x25mm Mauser
Nothing quite like sitting back, relaxing, and admiring a beautiful early selfloading handgun.
Taking a close look at the inside of the magazine...
...before loading it with a stripper clip. 10 rounds of 7.63x25mm Mauser, straight into the magazine.
Seeing a charging paper target, "Wurston Churchill" opens fire. Despite there being a cutout for a shoulder stock in the grip's backstrap, no such attachment was available in-game until the release of Update #52.
10 rounds later, he surveys the damage. Note the rear sight, adjustable for distances far in excess of the weapon's effective range.
Mauser M712 Schnellfeuer
In a similar vein to its 3 extra Luger variants, Update #52 brought along 3 variants of the Mauser C96, the first being a Mauser M712 Schnellfeuer machine pistol.
Mauser M712 Schnellfeuer - 7.63x25mm Mauser
The M712 has quite the imposing appearance. One might even call it a
Big Mama among handguns.
Loading a 40-round magazine into the Schnellfeuer.
Chambering the first of those 40 rounds with a swift tug of the bolt.
Letting all 40 rounds fly. Considering its sheer uncontrollability without a stock, there isn't really much point to aiming it.
Moses Brothers Self-Defense Engine Frontier Model B
Unlocked as a reward, the "Frontier Model B" is a precise replica of Captain Malcom's gun from Serenity and Firefly. While the original prop was actually a Taurus Model 85 in a multi-part casing meant to make it look like a semi-automatic, magazine-fed handgun, in-game it is just that- a magazine-fed, semi-automatic handgun that holds 6 rounds (plus one in the chamber) of the proprietary .36 Moses cartridge.
The prop of Mal's handgun, as seen in
Firefly.
Let's see... a decanter without any contents, a calculator without any buttons, John Lennon's glasses without any temples, a revolver cosplaying as a semi-auto, and a Big Red Button. This is gonna be... interesting.
Examining the penultimate item on the list.
Loading in a magazine. 2 things are worth noting here: the design of the cartridge, and the design of the magazine. The latter doesn't work like a traditional magazine; instead of being stacked on top of one another, the rounds are stacked end-to-end, only one layer deep. The former seems to consist solely of a fully-jacketed pistol-caliber bullet, with no visible casing (accordingly, no casings are ejected when the weapon fires); this would seemingly it to be a caseless round, rather like the "Rocket Balls" of the
Volcanic Repeater, upon which the original prop was inspired. This does
not, however, account for the pistol's immense damage per shot, as the Volcanic's ammunition was notoriously weak; the pistol is implied to use some sort of electromagnetic acceleration system (presumably either a coilgun- or railgun-type system), so any actual propellant in the cartridges is most likely just to start the projectile moving.
Pulling back the pistol's top plate, which serves to both retract the bolt and cock the hammer.
Pausing for a moment to appreciate the pistol. Something about brass on a gun just...
works.
The pistol's (rather wide) iron sights, as seen a bit closer to the eye than is strictly advisable. To be fair, the brass front blade blends in with the drab color scheme of Wurstworld rather
too well for most eyes' liking.
Reducing a cactus to a shower of spines and sparks, following it making a largely incoherent threat to eat the entire crew alive. Gorram savages...
The threat defeated, a few shots into the air are merited. Note both the reciprocation of the top-plate, and the blue muzzle flash, similar to that of the "Cyber Pistol" above.
Dumping out an empty magazine, and getting back to the job at hand.
"Pistol"
One of the firearms added in the "Meat Fortress" update (an officially-licensed crossover with Team Fortress 2), the "Pistol" is a duplicate of the one from TF2, being a mix of Walther PPK (ejection port, grip panels, lower gripframe) and Makarov PM (slide, trigger, upper frame) with a Smith & Wesson Model 61 Escort-esque rounded trigger guard. Of note is that the original model was largely static (with only the magazine being an actual moving part), forcing gamedev Anton Hand to rework the model for use with H3's firearm systems.
Makarov PM - 9x18mm Makarov
Smith & Wesson Model 61 Escort - .22 LR
Throw 'em all together with a healthy dose of cartoonishness, and you get this puppy.
A close-up of the inside of the pistol, showing the work done in its remodeling - the inside of the slide, the magazine well, the feed ramp, the rear end of the barrel, the front end of the barrel, and all of the slide and frame surfaces that's expose when the slide comes back had to be modeled at
H3's end.
Also added were appropriate functions for the hammer, seen here cocked; the pistol operates in SA/DA mode in-game, unlike
TF2's DAO.
And, of course, what good is a hammer without a trigger to drop it? The one in-game recesses itself near-totally into the frame when pulled, as seen here.
Looking at a magazine; true to the source material, these hold 12 rounds. The pistol in this build uses .45 ACP, though it's planned to use a proprietary (and fictional) round called the "11mm Manchevski-Kovovichidev"; all of these
TF2-derived weapons initially used standard calibers as placeholders, so as to avoid accidental leaking of project-related information before the crossover was announced.
Loading the Pistol with one of the aforeobserved magazines; note that the stamping in the top of the magazine is modeled in 3D, as opposed to the original game, wherein it was simply part of a flat texture.
Pointing the Pistol at a Sosig Heavy's head; as with many of these weapons, the sights aren't exactly...
traditional.
Switching targets to a nearby Sosig Engineer, and dumping rounds into its "torso". Note that, due to its non-standard layout, the Pistol ejects to the left instead of the right.
Dumping an empty magazine out of the locked-empty pistol, and declaring solemnly that it really do be like that sometimes.
Remington Rolling Block
The Remington Rolling Block pistol is one of the available firearms in-game, added through Update #32.
Remington Rolling Block Cavalry - .50
A pair of Rolling Block pistols on a table.
Taking a good look at the pistol.
The other side. The lighting at this angle gives a good view of the somewhat worn appearance, which is to be expected of a >150-year-old handgun.
Loading the Rolling Block is a rather involved process; it starts with cocking the hammer...
...loading in a (proprietary) .50 caliber black-powder cartridge...
...and finally closing the breech.
Aiming the Rolling Block...
...and firing it, producing an impressive cloud of smoke in the process. Such is expected of black-powder firearms.
Ejecting a spent case from the pistol.
Ruger Mk III
The Ruger Mk III is one of the available firearms in-game; it was added in Update #5, and was, until the release of Update #56, the only weapon in the game chambered in .22 Long Rifle. Notably, its magazine safety (a system that prevents the pistol from firing if no magazine is inserted) is correctly simulated in-game.
Stainless Ruger Mk III w/ standard-weight barrel - .22 LR
Admiring the lovelily lithe little Ruger.
The target pistol's other side, with the change in lighting providing a good look at the well-polished finish.
...and pulling back the bolt to chamber a round.
The pistol's sights; a simple rear notch and front post, both black. Not the easiest to make out, but not too difficult either.
Enjoying a bit of casual plinking with the MkIII.
Ejecting an empty magazine, and breathing in that sweet, sweet smell of burnt gunpowder.
Ruger Mk IV
Update #59's ninth alpha build added the Ruger Mk IV, an improved version of the Mk III with a simplified disassembly procedure. 2 versions were added: a stainless Hunter model with high-contrast illuminated sights, and a Standard model with a custom integrated suppressor, known as the "Whisper" variant. As with the earlier Mk III, the Mk IVs both have simulated magazine safeties.
Ruger Mk IV Hunter - .22 LR
Examining the Hunter. A beautiful thing, it is.
The pistol's other side. Interestingly, the pistol's grip panels have nearly unaltered Ruger logo medallions embedded in them; the only change is the replacement of the "R" with a "B", which, judging by the markings on the side of the upper receiver, presumably stands for "Bugert".
Taking a look at the Hunter's red-and-yellow illuminated sights.
Whisper
Ruger Mk IV Standard - .22 LR
The Mk IV "Whisper", in all its subtle glory.
Loading in a standard 10-round magazine.
Flipping the pistol over...
...and pulling back the bolt.
Pointing the pistol at a target; lacking a front sight, the Whisper doesn't really necessitate proper aiming.
Firing the Mk IV. As the name implies, the weapon is whisper-quiet.
Setting down the now-empty Whisper.
SIG-Sauer P250 Compact
The compact version of the SIG-Sauer P250 is one of the available firearms in-game. It has a two-tone finish, is chambered in .45 ACP, and was added in Update #5.
Early Model SIG-Sauer P250 Compact with two-tone finish - 9x19mm
Admiring the P250, amidst a selection of other handguns.
Loading in a standard 9-round magazine.
Chambering the first of the aforementioned 9 rounds.
Taking aim at a target...
A P250 fitted with a laser and a red-dot sight. The latter is no longer possible; it was found that detachable slide-mounted red-dot sights had serious zeroing problems, so the feature was removed, leaving the player's only options for RDSed handguns either the use of a wrap-around rail mount or one of the pistols with a fixed red-dot sight.
Seburo Compact-eXploder
Update #57 added one firearm, the Compact-eXploder machine pistol, made by Japanese science fiction mangaka Masamune Shirow's fictional arms company Seburo. In-game, the weapon is referred to as the "SCX" (i.e. Seburo Compact-eXploder), and fires the 4.6x30mm HK round (its caliber never being specified in the original source material).
Airsoft replica of the Seburo Compact-eXploder pistol seen in the manga
Appleseed. This is a conversion kit for the Maruzen
PPK/S airsoft gun made by Dai-Nihon Giken Poseidon.
Examining the SCX. A rather well-done model for a gun that doesn't actually exist.
The right side of the pistol, which looks more or less the same as the left.
Taking a look at one of the Seburo's distinctive curved magazines, which shows off the white-tipped (armor-piercing incendiary tracer) 4.6mm rounds within. These magazines hold 15 rounds, presumably due to them being single-stack.
Loading in the aforementioned magazine.
Lining up the Compact-eXploder's high-set sights...
...and sending out a 15-round burst.
Thompson Center Arms Contender
The 12th alpha build of Update #52 added a Thompson Center Arms Contender pistol chambered in .45-70 Government, with a curious combination of a wooden forearm and a synthetic grip. Interestingly, it uses the same code-base as the earlier-added Orion Flare Gun, due to the near-identical manual of arms.
Thompson Center Arms Contender - .45-70 Government
When faced with the threat of a giant evil hotdog trying to monetize Christmas, always keep your handcannon handy.
Loading in a jacketed hollow-point .45-70 round. Several other types were added as well, including soft-points, wadcutters, and solid-brass Lehigh Defense Xtreme Penetrator rounds.
Aiming; the Contender in-game is meant to be used with optics, and as such doesn't actually have any iron sights.
This doesn't actually prevent you from hitting your target, however, as the headless fellow in the bottom-left of the shot can attest to.
Tokarev TT-33
The Tokarev TT-33 is one of the available firearms in-game. It was the first "real" handgun added (barring the fictitious "Cyber Pistol"), and predates H3's release altogether; it was one of the few weapons included in the very first early access build of the game.
Tokarev TT-33 - 7.62x25mm Tokarev. Pre-1947 version.
Launching right into things, by lining up a TT-33 over a magazine...
...and slamming it down onto the table.
Giving the slide a good, solid yank.
Examining the TT-33; bright lights and refinished bluing do not mix well with human eyes.
Firing off a few shots at nothing in particular.
Performing a quick swap-out of the magazine, which shows off the TT's oddly chunky aftermarket grips. It also shows that the reload was merited; the indicator holes on the side reveal that the magazine only contains 4 rounds.
Okay, now you're just being silly.
One may have noticed that the pistol in the previous shots remained uncocked at all times, despite the TT-33 being single-action-only. Those shots were from an earlier build of the game; Update #3 fixed the issue.
The TT-33's iron sights.
...what? Were you expecting something that actually fits into the section and flows well? Nope. Too bad. This is all you get.
Volcanic Repeater
The Volcanic Repeater is one of the firearms added in the Wurstworld update. It's based on an early Smith and Wesson produced Navy model, with iron frame over the later brass frame, and is chambered for .41 caliber "Rocket Ball" rounds, which are (correctly) rather anemic.
Volcanic Repeating Arms "Navy" Pistol - .41 Rocket Ball
While out in Wurstworld, you have to admire the detail in the Volcanic.
Opening the Volcanic's magazine tube. A notable error is that the follower tab (the small projection sticking off of the end of the tube) is always in the pushed-forward position, meaning that there is nothing actually pushing the rounds in the magazine towards the action.
Loading in some .41 caliber rounds...
...which, fortunately enough, do show up in the tube.
Chambering a round in the Volcanic.
Taking aim with the Volcanic's rather small sights.
Flip-cocking the Volcanic. This is one of two ways that the weapon can be used in-game; the other is holding it with two hands and working the action normally, which is much more practical, but much less cool-looking.
Walther P22
Update #58 added a two-toned Walther P22 pistol.
Loading a 10-round magazine into the P22...
...before pausing to admire it. Unlike the reference image above,
H3's P22 has a green frame.
Also unlike the reference image, the in-game P22 lacks the Walther banner logo stamp on the front of the slide, due to the typical copyright concerns.
Racking the Walther's slide.
Aiming through the sights; while holding a handgun so close to one's own face would normally be rather inadvisable, with the short slide travel and minimal recoil of a .22, it's really not that much of an issue.
Failing nearly all its classes, the empty magazine decides to just drop out and join a trade school.
Walther P38
The Walther P38 was added in the 11th alpha of Update #52.
Walther P38 - 9x19mm Parabellum
Examining the P38. Note the Bakelite grips, which show this to be a wartime model.
Loading in a magazine. For some odd reason, the indicator holes in the magazine aren't actually holes, and as such don't show the magazine's contents.
Taking a look at the sights...
...before receiving a vision from 8 rounds in the future.
Walther P38K
Along with the full-size variant, the short-barreled Walther P38K was added in Update #52's 11th alpha.
Walther P38K - 9x19mm Parabellum
The two P38s resting side-by-side on a table.
"Hey, where'd the rest of it go?"
Taking a close look at the P38K's muzzle, in a rather inadvisable fashion.
Walther PPK
The Walther PPK was added to the game with the release of the 1st Meatmas update.
While debuting a few new guns, you have to pause for one of the most famous pocket pistols.
Loading a magazine into the PPK. Unlike
a certain someone's PPK, this gun is chambered for 9x17mm, rather than 7.65x17mm, which gives it a 6-shot capacity.
Aiming the pistol. The sights are rather small, but that's the price you pay for having something concealable.
Firing a .380 round at the target.
Unfortunately, that grouping just won't cut it. You'll need to get a far better score on the test if you want to get your
license to kill.
Webley & Scott Mk I
The 19th day of Meatmas 2018 brought along a Webley & Scott Mk I autoloading pistol.
Webley & Scott Mk I - .455 Webley Auto
What better gift to give than a century-old autoloading handgun? Especially one with as much collector's value as this. Must've cost them a fortune, whoever "they" might be.
Loading in the standard 7-round magazine. Certainly not lacking in the "indicator holes" department...
Pausing to admire the pistol. A well-made piece of kit, even if it does look a bit like someone built it out of a bunch of bits from other handguns with little regard as to what was supposed to go where.
Flipping the pistol over...
...and giving the slide a pull.
Aiming at a distant crystal snowflake; the irons are a bit small by today's standards, but a
damn sight better than some of the Webley's contemporaries.
Firing off a shot; at full size, the semi-rim of the .455 Webley Auto cartridge's case can just be glimpsed.
Neither that shot nor the six that followed hit their mark; while .455 Webley Auto (proprietary, at least in-game) runs at substantially higher velocities than the .455 Webley revolver round upon which it was based, it's still not even scraping the sound barrier, making long-distance shooting at anything smaller than a tectonic plate a bit of an exercise in futility.
Well, at least it's a conversation starter.
"Whizzbanger"
A weapon that vehemently resists all attempts at conventional classification, the "Whizzbanger" is arguably the strangest addition brought along by the 2019 April Fools' Day update - and that's saying something for an update that also added Sosigs with glowing red clown noses that bleed confetti. Based on a Pimp My Gun photo believed to have originated from 4chan, the Whizzbanger consists of an RIS foregrip, attached to which are a pair of scope mount-esque rings in front of a spring-loaded firing pin, meant to be struck with a provided mallet (though just about anything - other objects, walls, enemies, etc. - will also do the job). To top it all of, the cartridge of choice for this monstrosity is, of all things, .50 BMG. Update #71 furthered this insanity by adding a 3rd, smaller ring to the front of the device, and allowing it to take attachments. Including suppressors.
The Pimp My Gun image that the Whizzbanger was based on.
See, 4chan, this is why we can't have nice things.
The other side of the Whizzbanger. Honestly, it's just in the pistol section because we can't think of a better place to put it. Maybe it should just get its own category.
Contemplating how on Earth to shove a .50-caliber tracer round into the ring mounts.
With that issue solved, the next thing to contemplate is
why.
Never before has a firearm's hammer been so aptly named. Or a poor Sosig so completely oblivious of what's about to happen to it.
Though, granted, one has to feel just as bad for the person holding the damned thing. And no, this isn't a muzzle flash, because the term "muzzle flash" implies the existence of a muzzle, which implies the existence of a barrel.
A couple frames later, and the kick of an unsupported .50 BMG going off attached to little more than a lightweight handle kicks in. Not every day that somebody's cause of death is "decapitation by torso disintegration".
Popping the somehow-not-blown-apart spent case out of the Whizzbanger, and taking a moment to seriously think about the decisions that have led us all to this moment. So many mistakes...
...so what's another on the pile?
Pointing a
Gepard PDW at the monstrosity; not to rid the world of it, mind you, but to use it: another feature added to the Whizzbanger in Update #71 was the ability to hit the firing pin with bullets fired from other weapons. Rube Goldberg machines, anyone?
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